I have been involved with a single father (widower) of three children ages 11, 8 and 4, for over two years. We have a long distance relationship, but it is serious, and we plan on marrying next year with me relocating to be with him and his children. The problem is his live-in nanny. She started working for him after his wife passed away. She has been with the children ever since. I believe she loves his kids and takes care of them.
The problem is she does not like me, and has treated me poorly since day one. When I first brought it up with him, he told me she was just socially awkward, and that I was imagining things. As time passed though it became obvious that this was not a manifestation of my imagination, with her becoming outwardly angry and jealous when he and I see each other. At one point she berated him for having "his priorities all wrong", and continued to speak poorly about me in the home. He and I have discussed (and argued) about this at length. He agrees that she is irrational in her feelings toward me and that her behavior is totally inappropriate. He has tried to reason with her but he said she is irrational- and that she would act this way regardless of who he is involved with. Is it just me or is that not incredibly toxic and abnormal?
I have never asked him to fire her, nor would I, but I have told him that as long as he does not establish clear boundaries, the problem will only get worse and we will all suffer because of it. Which is exactly what has happened. It is now at the point that his son, age 8, is recognizing that there is a problem, and that if we marry, he knows his nanny will leave, and that makes him sad. My partner is now worried that his children will resent us (which basically means me) when we blend our families because they will see us (me) as the cause for her departure. My boyfriend is sensitive because he feels the kids will experience another loss when she leaves, which I appreciate and respect, but the dynamic between all of them seems unhealthy as it is and the problem just continues to get worse. He admits the lines of her role in the family have been deeply blurred, she thinks she is the other parent, and that if we marry, she will leave. My concern is that she takes tremendous liberties not so much with the children but with him and his private life.
I don't know of anyone who has ever been in this situation before so am reaching out for advice and help from this community. I don't think 2 years is an unreasonable amount of time to expect him to establish some boundaries with her or to find some other way to deal with the situation. It has effected our relationship in a negative way and, her attitude and actions now so obvious it is affecting his kids. I think he has kept her around based only on his guilt about their mothers death, and perhaps the hassle of finding someone new. Because of his employment he cannot go without someone else in the home to care for his kids.
I do not want to give him an ultimatum to either get rid of her or me, but equally so I think it is terribly unfair to all of us to start our new family with his children blaming and resenting me for their nanny having to leave. I do not know how to get around this issue. All the articles I have found are about the mother (or in my case potential step mother) being jealous of the nanny, but in this case it is the other way around. Has anyone else had something similar happen, and how was it resolved??? I no longer know what to do.
Thanks for your thoughts.
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I feel really bad for you, I can see how the job took on the role it did. I also was the Nanny of a widowed father and I had the same issue with the the role of taking on being the nanny and mother. Yes He did find a lady friend, and I took another nanny job. I did not have the issue of being jealous of the lady friend because I was just out of high school. I was happy to move on because being so young it was to much for me to take on 3 kids and play the mother roll also. The kids has a hard time adjusting to me after the mother passed away while giving birth to the 4th child who ended up with a lot of medical issues so he was being raised by relatives . I did not start being a nanny for them until after the mother died. Also I wAs the families first nanny. I got a whole lot of I don't have to listen to u you are not my mom. So what I suggest is go into this slow....sit down and have a heart to heart talk with the nanny, while your hubby to be is with both of you. Don't make her feel like you are attacking her or blaming her. She has big shoes to fill...it is a hard job being a nanny of a widower kids and being thrown into the mother roll. Yes her job got blended because there were no limits for her she just fell into a routine and did what she had to do to keep the family going. Let her stay on with the same hours for awhile, then slowly reduce her hours maybe she could work for her current family part time and another family part time. When you both talk with her let her know you will still need her help , but also be clear on setting boundaries of what her job expectations will be. Good luck...this is hard for her as well as you, she just may not be mature enough to let you know how she is feeling. Good luck...let us know how things go.
I definitively don't envy you. It's usually difficult enough for the children to get used to daddy having a girlfriend, but when the stable mother figure they had since their own passed away goes away and a new person takes over - yikes! My advice is to 'wean' the children off of her if possible. You can do it once you move in with them. If reducing nanny's hours won't be possible due to her quitting, perhaps giving her other than childcare duties will help! Have girls lunch/outing if your future husband has daughters and take them/her out while the nanny tidies up (or has some sanity time if there's nothing else for her to do) - make yourself as fun, safe and reliable as possible. Don't replace the nanny or mother - you are another person and believe me, there is a huge place just for you in their hearts! Hopefully within 3-6 months you'll be able to let the nanny go without the children being traumatized/in hysterics. Best of luck!
I agree with "weaning" the kids slowly. It would be cruel just to cut her out of their lives. If you are not going to be working, have her leave early. Instead of working 10 hour days maybe cut down to 8 hours with same wage. Or give her one full day off. Maybe, take care of your future kids that day. But don't just fire her. It may be awkward but join kids at the park or for lunch. Maybe, you guys will warm up to each other. Or maybe not. But it would be good for the kids to see you get along. If you find common ground maybe it won't be so bad. She maybe can still be part of the kids lives. As in visiting or babysitting on occasion.
I see how this would be hard for everyone involved. here are some questions I have for you....
1. Does she have feelings for your fiancé?
2. Is she a live in nanny? If so maybe start by having her move out so she isn't so involved in his personal life and can start the wean process.
3. Have you both sat down with her and explained your not trying to just come in and get rid of her but if she continues to basically put her nose where it doesn't belong she will be terminated immediately? Not healthy to just let her go however it's VERY unhealthy for the children to see her act this way towards their father and you. They will not learn to respect you or their fathers choices if she is there saying things she shouldn't be.
Best of luck and please update us as time goes on.
This is a RED FLAG ALERT...about the DAD.
You need to seriously reconsider why you'd ever want to marry a man who can't or won't control his nanny AND puts her ahead of you.
She has manipulated this situation so that you are the bad guy no matter what. This is NOT fair to you at all.
He sounds like a weak, Beta-male and they are always useless in life.
Your future marriage is already doomed b/c he's not manned up and set boundaries for the nanny. And you're right, you shouldn't have to be the one to give him an ultimatum!
He should know enough and WANT to make this work without you pressuring him to do so.
He needs to sit the nanny down and read her the riot act about her disrespectful attitude with you and that it needs to stop immediately or he will replace her. Of course, he should have done this 2 YEARS ago.
I really hope you will rethink marrying a man who would allow ANYONE to treat you this way!!!!!
This does NOT bode well for being married to him.
IF he treats you this shabbily now -- when he's trying to woo you and win you -- can you imagine how bad it will get once you're his wife????
Seriously. It is not just the nanny who's being disrespectful, unfair and unkind to you -- it's him too -- and in fact, IMO -- his betrayal is far worse!
If she had warmed up to you after an initially awkward period, I would agree with the suggestions above to work with her after you move in. However, she has already been spoken to about her unacceptably irrational attitude/behavior towards you and refuses to change, so she should be let go. I also question dad’s judgement a bit- he thinks she would behave this way toward any potential girlfriend and he doesn’t feel this is a fireable personality flaw? So he should just give up on the idea of being happily remarried until his children are old enough to no longer need a nanny because the nanny will be sure to either make life hell for the new wife or quit in protest? Also, how does the 8 yo know that the nanny will leave if/when y’all get married? Did the nanny tell him that?
Since it’s clear she needs to go, I would suggest he replace her sooner than later. If he does it right around the time you move in, the kids will definitely think it’s your fault she is gone. You aren’t moving in until next year so if he replaces her now, several months will have passed and hopefully the kids will have come to accept the new nanny (who will hopefully be a professional who understands her role in the household). Good luck.
Frankly, I think something is going on between dad and nanny, and he doesn't want to admit to that.
You said that you met this guy online. Have you ever lived with him or spent a long time with him? Are you sure you know him? Long distance relationships are tough and unless you live with a person you don't really know him. He seems like a weak man who wants you to fight your own battles. If he is like this in this situation, he will always be like this in life about everything. You will never come first and there will always be excuses. Clearly he didn't set boundaries because it was easy to let the nanny take over so he could focus on his life. She made his life easier. Now with you in the picture, he wants you to fight it out yourself. If you really like him, I would follow what someone else suggested here - talk to the nanny in front of him, then reduce her hours. She is going to resent becoming live-out instead of live-in. Does she have a way to commute? Is doing a live-out a deal-breaker? As long as she lives there it will be hard for both of you because the kids will defer to her. I would also look at this practically. The guy's behavior is a BIG red flag, and you are moving all the way to his house leaving your life behind. You are taking a very big risk for him, you have to be sure that this is what you really signed up for and have no surprises.
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