I want to start by saying that I LOVE our Nanny. She has worked for us for over 2 years and looked after my youngest (4 month old) since she was born. The children adore her, she gets on with my husband and my parents and until today I have always always felt comfortable and confident in her.... until now I had never heard her so much as raise her voice to my children and I was always in awe of her firm but fair way with my children.
Yesterday, I was on my way home from a meeting to grab lunch, thinking that she and my kids would not be home as they were meant to be at a music class... BUT, they were home and as I opened the door, I jumped out of my skin to hear her literally screaming at the top of her lungs at my 2 year old! I stayed where I was and she continued, unaware that I was even there. She threw one of the kids chairs to the other side of the room, called my child a messy pig and continued to throw books and toys around while screaming her lungs out. Both my children were crying. I came in and she got a HUGE fright. She burst into tears and told me she was not coping so I said to her to take the rest of the day and I called into work to say I would not be back until further notice. I then called my friend at the music class to see if she thought we could still make it if parking was good and she informed me that she had not seen our Nanny or my children in weeks, all the while our Nanny had been telling me each week what fun the class was for my children.
What am I going to do?? My husband says to let her go and not look back but I cannot just turn my back on her after she has been such a big part of our lives. If this is not a once off I am worried that I have been one hell of a bad Mama missing the signs but for the life of me I can't pick any. I loose my temper, of course we ALL do! But throwing things shows a complete lack of control.... What do you all think?
42 comments:
First, I would ask to have a meeting with her BEFORE she starts back working with you. I would present her with the information you have about her not going to music class and ask for her side of the story about her freak out you witnessed. My guess is that this isn't out of the ordinary and it isn't the first time...but you never know. If you're not at ALL satisfied 100% with her story, I would let her go immediately. How do you know she won't or hasn't gotten physical? She sounds dangerous and I would be cautious leaving my children with her. It's sad to think that someone who's been in your life and that you've depended on for so long could be so bad, but stranger things have happened.
wow, I would definitely be concerned. At first when I was reading I figured it was just a one off occasion and that maybe she was having a bad day as well all do. The red flag to me is that she has been telling you that she has been going to music class and she has not been there in weeks. Also, we all loose our cool but the self-controlled person who would walk away and not throw chairs and books. I would have a talk with her before you fired her just to see her side but it does seem as if you are going to have to let her go. Also, are your children old enough to ask them if this is how she always is?
Good luck and Keep us updated!
I would let her go and not look back. Talk to her if you wiah but screaming and throwing things, and lying about the classes.
She may not be a wicked witch she probably is overwhelmed with caring for young children . Not unusual, but if she can't control herself she needs another job.
DOn't be hard on herself she sounds like a master manipulator.
I agree with the above, but first you may consider sitting down with your two year old to see if maybe it happens a lot. Use a few dolls, or cars, and start acting out the day: nanny coming, you leaving for work, and then let your child lead and act out that they spend their time doing. keep it light, you may be able to discover if this was a one time thing (still not acceptable, or if it is happening more often)
Just something to consider.
Wow. She sounds abusive. No, do not hire her back!
Darling, she is simply pretending to be someone she is not. God knows what she has been doing to these children.
And no this is not once off- the girl lied to you about attending music class- for weeks! Something I am guessing you pay for??
Your nanny has reached the typical burnout. Do her a favor and allow her to pursue another profession.
These are major signs of problems. Just tell her her lack of control is unacceptable, her lies are unacceptable... I mean what was she really doing making them sit in a corner? Calling them messy pigs? Wake up.
Losing your temper is one thing, throwing things and calling young children pigs is another. Also, the not going to music class for weeks, I could forgive missing once or twice, but, it seems like she just is not going, period. Time to fire her
you let her go and not look back. First of all she was screaming and throwing things. I'm surprised your kids didn't say anything to you. She has been acting that like for a long while aparently. She lied to you about taking your kids to class. She has manipulated you and played you for a fool. Get rid of her ASAP
I agree with the previous posters that suggest hearing her out (you need to in order to act professional) then let her go. She has a right to tell you her side, but only because neither of you will move on until she does. I wouldn't hire her back, no matter what she tells you. Especially now that she's had a day to make something up. PLEASE keep us posted on this one, OP!!!!!!
Talk to her only to tell her she no longer has a job. Talk to her to tell her you know she's been lying about class. Talk to her and tell her its never ok to yell at kids, throw things at them and call them names. Talk to her and tell her there is no way in hell you are giving her a reference.
I'm so glad you caught her in the act. I can gurantee you this isn't the first time she's acted this way. It's not your fault she manipulated you into thinking she was wonderful.
Never feel guilty for putting the wll being of your children first.
If you keep her you'll always be wondering if she's doing what she should. Why give her the chance to have a fit again.
As someone who is not particularly patient with children, I can tell you that I am horrified to hear your description. There cannot be a good reason to throw such a fit with children - especially as young as yours.
I am just almost as horrified to hear that she lied to you repeatedly about the music class.
OP, you are not a bad mother. You care about others and you do not want to hurt them. But you owe it to your kids to let your nanny go.
Wow! Ok, I am a nanny for two twin 5 year olds- very young 5 year olds. They are a handful- messy, crazy, loud, physical, the works. I honestly don't like the position because I have tried everything to no avail. They have no manners whatsoever, no respect for authority, etc. It's pretty bad. I have had days where I've lost my temper and yelled at them. I've even screamed a few times. I feel horrible afterwards. I'm leaving this position in a couple weeks because it's clear it's not for me.
That being said, THROWING THINGS is completely unacceptable. I can't get over that. Especially with a 2 year old and 4 month old? Holy crap. Also, the lying this is messed up!
You really need to fire her.
I have to agree with your husband.
She has been lying to you for weeks, (months), and she was violent. She was throwing things. She could put a eye out with that behavior. Have you considered the possibility she has thrown or hit your kids? And don't diminish the yelling and screaming. That changes a child.
LET HER GO NOW! Don't leave her alone with your children again. You can't deal with the worst that could happen.
I would have to disagree with those who said talk to her about it. Why bother? She knows what she did wrong. Or at least I hope she does! She does not deserve to come back and you (and your children) deserve much better. I am so sorry your family is having to go through this.
I just left a horrible 2 year nanny gig. There were days I wanted to scream and I thought my head might explode, but I was able to take a few breaths and carry on. I believe screaming is unacceptable. That makes lies and chair throwing absolutely unacceptable.
She might have lost herself in a fit of rage, but as a previous commenter suggested..I think your nanny is suffering from burnout for any number of reasons. Let her go for your sake, your kids happiness, and her sanity.
One more vote for let her go and don't look back.
If you don't stand up for your two small kids and let them know that someone mistreating them, calling them names, throwing things, and yelling at them is NOT okay, then who will?? You are their mother. You HAVE to protect them from that stuff.
You don't have to be mean to the nanny, just simply tell her that what you witnessed disturbed you very much and you will not be comfortable having her watch your children anymore.
Don't be her enabler when it comes to your kids!!!
I've been a nanny for almost 8 years, and I have NEVER even come close to yelling, screaming, throwing things, or the like. Yikes! Nannies are supposed to set the most amazing example for the kiddos they care for. I realize we are all human, go through tough times and make mistakes, but when you work with children, losing your temper is NEVER an option. Ever. Period.
Let her go, and don't beat yourself up. Ultimately your kids' safety and emotional wellbeing are the top priority. I would not leave her alone with my children for another second.
All this being said, I do understand why you feel bad about letting her go - she has been a huge part of your and your children's life. However, this is not about your feelings or her feelings. It is about two young children who depend on you to provide the best care for them possible, and this is 100% not it.
Good luck to you. I was in a somewhat similar situation where we had to let our nanny go after an instance of unacceptable behavior (though we later found out there had actually been multiple instances - no surprise). Even though I was very angry at her - and at myself for not picking up on it sooner - I also felt really bad for her. and still wonder how she is doing. She was a good person at heart, but was not in the right job I think.
Give her a call and let her go. Her actions were completely unacceptable, and lying to you about the music class is... well, that's a big problem too.
OP, please keep us posted on what you decide to do!!!
Call me nosy but I would just love to hear this nanny's side of the story! What is her excuse for not bringing the kids to music class?? Whatever her reasoning is, she clearly cannot be trusted because she was making up lies about taking your kids somewhere, and that's the least of your problems with this woman! If I were you, I would sit her down and get her side, just to put my mind at ease. But definitely do not take her back!! Some people put nanny cams in their house to catch scenes like this but you saw it with your own two eyes. There is just no way she can be trusted. Please let us know how this turns out. And PS, you are not a bad mom. Like others said, she sounds like a great actress!
OP, I do commend you for having an open mind. But I have to agree with everyone else- you should not take this nanny back. The lying (to your face!), the screaming (at an infant and a toddler, no less!), the throwing stuff (bad example, much??!). Yes, we've probably all raised our voices a time or two when it really wasn't helpful. But if your nanny is behaving like an absolute child, how can you trust her to watch your kids?
And to echo everyone else, you are NOT a bad mother. This lady probably could have fooled anybody.
OP, you need to listen to the advice here and I'll just add this. In Las Vegas several years ago, a nanny shook an infant, severely injuring him. She was a wonderful nanny by all accounts, from a very good family, etc. She snapped and could not handle a crying infant. The child was lucky to survive although his chances for a normal life were still in doubt. Don't let something like this happen to you. A 2-year old and an infant cannot speak up for themselves.
Yiiiikes! As a former nanny, there have definitely been times where I've raised my voice (never to the point of screaming, but I'm sure I've yelled "You better stop doing that!" on occasion from across the room). I have never, ever thrown any objects (a chair?!?!!) nor have I ever called a child any names.
She has you fooled. She's like those serial killers who seem normal and so kind on the outside, but they are monsters. This girl is a great actress.
Listen to your husband (and, admit it, your intuition) and let this girl go. I would speak to her only to hear her sorry excuse, and then tell her you do not feel comfortable and will no longer be needing her services. She cried because she was caught, not because she was sorry.
You and your children deserve much better!
Oops I meant to add in there that the fact that she has not been attending music class for weeks but lies to your face is the icing on the cake. If that isn't a massive red flag waving in your face, I don't know what is.
I feel so much empathy for you and your family. Going through this must be extremely difficult. However, you MUST listen to the previous posters and not let this toxic person back in yours or your children's lives. Did you just happen to walk in on the one time she was screaming and throwing things at your children? Doubtful. I ran a home daycare for 5 years so I could stay at home with my special needs son. Some days were stressful, yet I would never have yelled at any of these kids. I was there to care for them while their parents worked. I took that seriously. Find a new nanny a.s.a.p.!
You need to be your children's advocate in this situation. The nanny's behaviour was unacceptable, period. There are boundaries, and the nanny has well and truly crossed them. To keep her working for you now would communicate the subliminal message that her behaviour was "okay", and prevent her from experiencing the legitimate consequences of her actions.
Do the right thing for your children and your family- replace her immediately.
Being a parent myself, it is tempting to rationalize when a major upheaval is required. The throwing and lying require dismissal. I would make other arrangements immediately.
I'm a nanny and I have my good days and bad days as well but I've never come close acting like that.
You need to let her go.
i have just fired someone who trows fits on a regular basis - and the relief on my part is incredible, that's probably how your kids will feel
master manipulators are really good at pulling your pity while harming you and yours
I haven't read the other comments yet, so excuse me if I am behind on any details.
Anywho... I really don't think this should even be a question. It's clear that she's stressed, and although it can happen to any human, her lying to you is completely unacceptable. It wasn't just one lie either; she's been lying for *weeks*. How can you trust someone with your kids that you know has lied to you in your face multiple times? What else has she lied (or will lie) about? *Sigh*... Again, there's no question in this. She needs to go. Believe me when I say there is better.
P.S. I don't think you should let her tears get to you. She probably felt more embarrassed than sorry. Just my opinion.
UPDATE:
Mummy her with my update after my shock has worn off and my denial has gone...
I called her 10+ times and did not get an answer. My husband was able to find her home number and I got on to her via her mother....
See here is when I became furious...she told me she had PMS! What an immature & pathetic attempt at an excuse. By this point I was not going to allow her back whatever she said but still...pathetic!
You are all correct, if our Mummy doesn't be our protector without question then who on earth will?? I know I would have always reached this point, it is my willingness to always try to see the good in people which has seen me taken advantage of too many times. But hey she must of been good at her mask as she fooled us all! My hubbie, my parents, preschool teachers, neighbours....
I have tried to get out of my 2 year old any details by role playing and this didn't shed any light - I should mention that she is just 2 so although talking away she obviously does not understand the situation and I am scared it became almost normal to her if it was ongoing. This from the child who smiled each time Nanny got to work in the morning.
I did not mention that our Nanny worked 2 full days & one half day so I am able to fill the gaps now by working from home & pulling back from work for a while...career on hold til the way more important things are safe & happy. I do not mind one bit!
Thanks for the advice, what an emotional week for us but I truly do not for one second feel as though she needs another thought - we transfered what we owed her & asked her to return our car seats & a couple of things borrowed to her including a phone!
Did she ever give any reasoning for misting the music classes? Just out if complete curiously. I nanny I 15 month old and I can't WAIT until web start his swim and music classes, not only do classes give nannies a new group to interact with, it gives the children a whole new feeling of independence and a chance at meeting play mates. I just can't imagine what nanny wouldn't gladly take her charges to prearranged classes...! Sorry about all the typos, with the new ISYN format for IPhone I can't go back without erasing everything, and I don't notice the mistakes until I re read the entire thing. Haha!
wow! thank you for the update! She had PMS. Yeah well I'm 25 and have menopause and i have been crazy but that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. She is just plain ass lazy. What kind of person can lie straight to your face. What on Earth is the matter with her? i'm glad she is not going to be around your kids any longer. What an awful thing to go though. THis is why people have nanny cams.
Just please don't let this experience ruin it if you decide to hire another nanny. Not all people are like that. She had some severe emotional issues
If that were my nanny, after witnessing her behavior and hearing that she wasn't even going to the music class, I would fire her immediately. No way would I leave her with my kids for another second. I know there are some great nannies out there, but there and an equal number of awful nannies who have perfected putting on a cheerful face for their employer and basically are not fit to care for children. If you can't fire her, I would get a nanny cam or even just a voice recorder and record a few days worth of interaction. Then you'll know for sure.
Wow! I'm glad she is no longer with you and hope she never works with children again at least not until she grows up a ton and gets some serious help.
It's the ones like her that give us all a bad name.
I truly hope you and your family heeal well and find a great nanny. We exist. Many of us are out there, self included, looking or work. You'll find a good one.
PMS?! What a ridiculous excuse! She sounds pathetic and I'm willing to bet there's something more going on with her emotionally. You are better off with her out of your family's lives. I'm glad to hear your little girl seems to be doing ok and she probably won't even remember this nanny after awhile.
Thank you for updating us, OP! So, so, so happy that you are rid that horrid nanny!
Yeah, you need to discuss things with her. That's simply not right. I understand flipping out. I've flipped w/ my charges too ( I have yelled at them in frustration but not to the point of calling them pigs or throwing chairs around), but it's her flipping combined with the lying what bothers me. She's shady and now that the kids are becoming more unruly and rebelious, that side will start to come out more since she obviously can't handle that.
Have a talk with her and get a new nanny.
This crazy Nanny does not deserve a second chance w/your family. I would take your husband's advice and let her go..ASAP. She sounds like a freakin' con artist to me. She lied about taking your kids to the music class and she treats them like sh#@ when you are not there.
Fire her ass and never look back. It is Nannies like her that make parents suspicious of all of us good Nannies!!!!
I'm a nanny, and I have awful PMS. I'm irritable and I cry over stupid things. But never at work. I save it for when I get home.
Working with children is the most enjoyable experience of my life. It's challenging, but the rewards are endless. I would never in my life treat a child that way. I get frustrated, sure, but that's when you pop the kid in the baby gate area and take a moment to drink a glass of water or just take some kind of a minute to yourself. When parents are trusting you with the most important part of their lives, you don't take it lightly and you don't lose your cool.
It just sounds like she doesn't have the greatest affection for children, respect for the parents, or, really, anything that's needed to excel as a nanny.
Let her go and don't look back. It isn't worth your children's happiness, your peace of mind, or the risk of her becoming more abusive to your family.
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