The Mommy Wars Continue: Relationships Between Nannies, Working Moms And Stay-At-Home Moms
"Hey working moms: I don't want to socialize with your nanny."
It's the kind of complaint some mothers might think, but never say to another parent’s face. And that's probably why those words were posted behind the safe anonymity of UrbanBaby.com’s message boards last week.
"I want to socialize with others whose job it is to be with their own kids. I understand, many women don't have that luxury or sanity to be SAHM [Stay At Home Moms], but don't force your nanny on me," another mom said, echoing the original sentiment.
A spray of back-and-forth e-venom followed.
"We send our nannies so we don't have to spend time with you," one working mom posted. And another wrote: "Get a life loser."
Intense? Yes. Surprising? Not according to those who've spent time researching nanny-parent dynamics.
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14 comments:
It's not surprising to me. I know many parents who would not socialize or even politely converse with nannies. It doesn't seem to matter how educated or professional the nanny is either. It is below these parents to speak to the "hired help." I've even noticed that other parents in the neighborhood do not want to speak to the nannies. Even if they don't use one themselves! It's as if simply speaking to a nanny lowers their social status.
This type of behavior disgusts me. Every human being deserves respect regardless of their profession. I don't understand how parents can justify treating their child's caregivers cruelly.
You know what I don't want to hang out with your friends either! So take your kid on his or her own play date.
I've been ignored and walked away from by many a SAHM...seriously, the play dates are about the kids! The 'grownups' need to grow up and put aside the fact that you may or may not have anything in common with a nanny so your children can branch out and meet new kids!
I'm a Mom and I don't get it. When my kids were younger and we went to parks, gym classes, etc. I would 'hang out' with anyone, Mom or nanny. I don't understand the divide and I don't understand why people would want to exclude anyone when they are supposed to be there for the kids first. Guess some people are searching for a 'hierarchy' no matter what they are doing(?)
What have I missed here...? Maybe it's because I'm young and I'm a student at a well respected school in the area, and well, I was raised (and still consider myself) upper-middle class, but I don't identify with this at all. I nanny a wonderful girl for her two parents that are both lawyers. I have made connections with their friends and plan to utilize them when I graduate. I've never felt the condescending classism being referred to in this article.
Hrm. Your husband did it all for the nookie, comes home and hates you (which you take out on women whose lives have more nuance and brilliance than you could possibly imagine), wants nothing to do with your used up, tedious, cavernous lady bits, and endless, TEDIOUS, complaints, you're "mothering is B.s. and you're doing an ass job at it that, then your husband gets laid off and you have to hire someone in your stead, someone you will try and pay for less than $10 an hour for your precious, magical, no doubt socially inept child because your were so much of a c$n$ to let then hang out with the cool kids who were being taken care of by the women with the BA's in Early Childhood Development, and now suddenly you're entitled, judgemental wait-there's a name, it's called, "My husband lost his job and we are both unemployed (sing it with me) and now I can't waste my time judging nannies because I am too bust trying to hire one.." ass is on the other side of the looking glass, and it's not so very pretty is it? YO U ThINK YOU ARE "BETTER"
THINK YOU MARRIED WELL, BUT WAIT UNTIL YOURE BEGGING THE PEOPLE YOU MOCKED TO CARE FOR YUUR CHILDREN- YOU HAVE TO WORK ALL DAY WHILE WE SIT OUR BLACK ASSES N YOUR COUCHES, EATING YOUR FOOD and doing 50x the job you ever could because we went tot school and we know how.
YOU NEED US. WE DON'T NEED YOU/ THIS IS NOT INDIA, WE ARE NOT AMAHS A ND YOU NEED TO GET OFF YOUR FRIEND'S HIGH HORSE AND RECOGNIZE AND RESPECT US FOR WHO WE ARE. THE PEOPLE WHO KEEP YOUR FAMILY TOGETHER WHEN IT FALLS APART/
And YOU are a nanny? Bish pleeze, you're one scary bitch!
Indeed I am. And I am mighty tired of this sh^t. These women squeezed out a baby. Yippee. They did not invent the effing Ped Egg. I'm sure some of them are great mothers, but in the end, who cares?
They are doing what we get paid to do for free, and their snooty, "I'm better than nannies and mommies who HAVE TO WORK" attitudes make me want to vomit.
I have dealt with so many of them, and they are excruciating. They ignore me for a year, then the husband either leaves her ass or loses his job, and suddenly they are sidling up to me sweet as sugar trying to "poach" me (at, like a quarter of what I make, btw) and I sweetly tell them to shove it.
I find them INFURIATING and I'm glad when reality sets in on their (bleached) asses and they discover that life is more than iced coffee, pilates, getting the cooch her husband no longer wants waxed and ignoring perfectly lovely and respectable nannies because hey Sugartits! Now you need us!
The original comment strikes me as unkind. Shouldn't we be teaching our children (by example) that we should be friendly and nice to everyone, and that nobody is better than anybody else?
It saddens me that some SAHMs feel that they can pick and choose who they should be friendly and kind to. What a horrible example for their kids.
My honest opinion as an outsider. Who is never going to be a new mom because disease forced a hysterectomy at age 24. So I will never be a "new" mom, nor will I ever hire a nanny. I have a friend who is a nanny. I grew up with friends who had nannies, and I see them from time to time.
I am a mom to my step-son. So I do have some idea of what raising a kid is like.
The mom vs nanny wars, real mom vs step-mom wars, SAHM vs WOHM wars. I think should all just go away. When is it going to be about the kids? I had one mom refuse to let her son come play at my house because my step-son came from a broken home. I wasn't his real mother. Does that mean I was going to endanger her child? does that mean I don't know how to care for a little boy? Aparently I would let the little boy run with scissors, outside in the cold with no shoes or pants, while he was eating a hanes cupcake washing it down with some coka-cola.
Play groups for infants is about the moms. I mean really how could it not be? But when the kids get older and start forming friendships it shouldn't matter who is on the other end watching the other child. of course abusers and pedophiles are out of the question but then we have the thinking that all men who watch children have ulterior motives
Our society is built on these types of assumptions and we as humans are always going to have them. It is normal for people of certain groups to form friendships with other people who have similar interests. But I think and hope that one day all the 'adults' can put aside their assumptions when it comes to their child. Let the kids be kids and when they find a friend in someone it isn't because of eachothers social status. It really weighs on whether they are good to eachother or not.
I think I speak for some Nannies when I say we don't want to hang with SAHM either. I am a Nanny and I am constantly pressured to make playdates with my employers SAHM friend. I HATE it!!!! It's annoying and I feel like am always being spied on. I get the nasty looks and the'ignoring' attitude from the SAHM at my charges school. I don't care, they can shove it. When it all boils down my charge is better behaved and a happy child. I personally don't want any play-dates with SAHMs, their children are bad trained and I don't want my charge picking up any bad habits; crying, whining, yelling, hitting and tantrums gallor..
Phoenix, you asked:
"When is it going to be about the kids?"
In a word: Never. People, women especially, are snobs. Just look at "Know it all too well". Her response, whether she meant it to be or not, was very snobby. I hope people can understand that represents only a portion of the nanny community. I certainly don't feel that way and I welcome Mom-friends, even though I am not one. If the Moms feel uncomfortable around me, that's their own problem and I'm sure there's someone else I can hang out with.
That is insane...when I nannied, people generally assumed that the baby in my care was my own. They would watch us interact. then start to chit chat with me, we'd talk about the kids, etc. When I informed them (always very early on) that I was the child's nanny, 9 times out of 10 I received a very positive response. They would say how they just assumed I was his mom because of how much I clearly loved him, and how he loved me. I would always say "oh, but you should see him with his mommy, then you'd know, he is a total mama's boy." And it was true. I made many mommy friends that way...buy I have also had nanny friends who looked nothing like their charges who were treated poorly by moms at the same places. Perhaps it was because they assumed immediately that she was the nanny, I really don't know because she was as fantastic as I was. People can be so strange...I do not get it.
My biggest issue with playdates with SAHM friends of Momboss is the whole "spying" issue. I know that my former employer has grilled her friends about how I was with her kids. Of course, there's nothing to report, but it leads to uncomfortable feelings when at playgroup.
That being said, though, play groups are about the kids, not about moms, step moms or nannies. When I was a SAHM, I did playgroups for my daughter, not for me. If I want social "mommy" time, I will socialize without kids, thank you.
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