Received Wednesday, December 3, 2008. - Perspective & Opinion
We hired our nanny two months ago, and are still in that "honeymoon" phase with her. We had a really bad experience with our last nanny, so for that reason, we use a nanny cam. Our present nanny is not aware that we are filming her with our three children.
This past weekend my husband and I went through the video to see how everything was going. I saw our nanny interacting very well with the children, being very attentive, affectionate and playful. It was so much more than I had expected to see. I am pleasantly surprised by all of this, and I do have plans to soon turn off the nanny cam because I am getting where I feel I can trust her now.
So, even though I know I am blessed here, what is my problem? I was nearly brought to tears while watching our nanny, and not so much because I felt warm and fuzzy all over, but because I was so jealous it hurt. Why am I feeling this way? I should be thrilled to have such a wonderful person caring for my children. I'm not usually so emotional, but this was hard to watch. My husband says it's probably normal that I'm feeling this way, but I'm not so sure.
Are there any other parents out there in this situation? How do you handle the jealousy you feel towards your nanny? And if there are any nannies that feel a parents jealousy, how does it make you feel? Thanks for any advice.
I am not a parent but I do want to tell you how thrilled you should be to have a fabulous nanny. It is sad that you had a horrible nanny before her and maybe some of your feelings are coming from that too.
ReplyDeleteI do think though that it is normal to be jealous of someone because she is the one spending time with your kids. But some parents cannot handle how well the nanny treats their children and how the children love their nanny and then end up firing the nanny or being mean to the nanny because of that and then she quits. I am not saying you are one of those people, I just don't want you to become one of those people. :)
But really, I think everyone is going to be jealous at some times in their lives, sadly it is human nature. You just need to keep telling yourself that the nanny is a loving and caring influence in your childrens' lives and as long as you are actively involved too having someone else show them love and attention is only going to help them.
I'm not a parent either, but I'm a nanny who sometimes feels a bit of jealousy from her boss. She's the nicest woman who is excited when I tell her about the fun things we did that day, but I can sense a bit of sadness.
ReplyDeleteI think your jealousy shows how great a mother you are, and how great your nanny is. Your child is lucky, and try to remind yourself of that.
My advice is to stop watching the nanny cam and turn it off immediately (as a nanny, I'd be a bit upset if I was being videotaped without consent). You're just making it worse for yourself. Then take the child(ren) out for something special, that the nanny couldn't or wouldn't do. Maybe go get hot chocolates, or make a super-messy art project. That might lessen the jealousy. My older charges get to play mini-golf with their mom once in a while, and I can't do that with them, since it's expensive and doesn't fit our schedule well.
Just a few ideas! Good luck, and don't feel bad.
I agree with the above posters. I think jealousy is natural and expected when you feel that this person is starting to take away a bit of the love the children have for you. Just remember, they are YOUR children and no one can replace that. In years time they will remember those moments they had with both mom/dad and nanny and in their adult years they will understand and respect and even love you for providing them someone who loved them and was great with them.
ReplyDeleteI worked for a fabulous mom for years and there was a period of time with the oldest girl (about age 2 or 3) would prefer me over her mom. I could see the pain that caused mom and it made me feel a bit uncomfortable but she knew the bond I had formed with her daughter and accepted it. Come the weekends though, she didn't want anything to do with me, just wanted her mommy and daddy and that helped mom to. remember, you gave birth, in my mind, that makes you number 1
As a nanny, I can understand how you would feel a bit jealous. I think it's normal, because someone is loving, playing with and being a "motherly figure" for your children. That is all your job, so to see someone else do it and feel a little pang of jealousy is normal. One point I do want to make though is that you need to make sure your jealousy does not affect the way you feel or treat your nanny. She will notice it, and not be happy. We as nannies can't really understand when parents feel jealous, and there is nothing we can do about it. So, be extra careful to not let your jealousy show and just be happy that you have such a great nanny that loves your kids! :)
ReplyDeleteso for that reason, we use a nanny cam. Our present nanny is not aware that we are filming her with our three children.
ReplyDeleteThat is wrong, plain and simple. How would you like to be filmed secretly at work. I can not believe you even admitted you do that.
miserly bastard, why do you always have to be such an insensitive pig? I guess you and your wife are so perfect. I feel sorry for your nanny. You probably treat her like a second class citizen. Is she even legal?
ReplyDeleteTC
ReplyDeleteHow many times have we had people suggest nanny cams, send a friend/relative to take a peek on them at the park, showing up early/pop-in, etc.? You have to be vigilant nowadays. OP even says she had a previously bad experience which is why they do it.
In this day and age, you can never be too careful!
Depending on what state you live in, it's illegal to film a nanny working in your house without their knowledge.
ReplyDeleteI do not get the whole "hidden camera" mentality. You want to be sneaky sly and catch your nanny doing something bad so you can fire them? Why not put the cameras in plain view and inform the nanny they are there. Then negative treatment would never even have to occur, since they knew they were being filmed. It doesn't really help your child any to spy on the nanny and then spring into action. By then, the abuse has occurred and it can't be taken back.
Someone would have to be a total idiot to abuse a child knowing full well that they were being filmed. Some say that the only reason a nanny doesn't act out is because they are being filmed and would likely do it if there wasn't proof. Why even let that happen? I know you need to trust your nanny but c'mon. You aren't protecting your child if you have to wait to find out about it on a tape.
Miserly bastard is a dude??
ReplyDeleteYou might be pregnant and your hormones are raging making you feel the way you are
ReplyDelete;)
As a nanny and a mother, I can understand how in this day and age you may want to use a nanny cam. The only problem I have with nanny cams is that the parents use them without notifying the nanny. If they do that, that can break any trust or respect on the nanny's part. Personally, if someone were to film me, I would be okay...as long as it wasn't in the bathroom! But I would want to know...and if I found out later that I was being filmed without my consent (no matter what state I lived in), I would never trust my family and wonder what else they were doing behind my back. Did they search through my purse while I was chasing their child? Take a DNA sample from my drinking glass?
ReplyDeleteAs for the jealousy part, I understand as a parent how hard it must be to see your children bond with someone else, especially when you want to be there and cannot. However, the bond they share with you and your husband is a much different bond and one that no one, not even a good nanny can break. Just consider yourself lucky to be blessed with such a wonderful nanny and enjoy!
I can't even have my cat bond with another person.... but i am a very very jealous person. It's funny to think of it now. But at the time I was enraged. About anything, and everything.
ReplyDeleteI have had to keep my jealousy under control and it's hard, very hard. And instead of taking it out on my husband and his friends, I started exercising.
Coming from a horrible jealous, major mood swining person, I can understand the ugly shape and form that jealousy can take. you will not be able to get rid of it, but try to deter the feelings and put them into something productive. You may be able to eventually deal with it, but I could never make those feelings go away. Don't take it out on the nanny it's not her fault she is going her job and you are lucky to have someone that is caring in your home. When-ever you get the feeling, take a jog.
For those concerned that I may take my jealousy out on our nanny, that's not going to happen. I know that she is a lovely young lady and we treat her very well. Despite my emotions, I don't want to lose her! She's probably the best thing that has happened to my children in a long time. They need the love and attention from her that they didn't get with their last nanny. I know this is something I'm going to just have to learn to deal with. And I want to be careful that she doesn't pick up on it, either.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all of your great advice. And as of tonight, the nanny cam will be gone.
Your emotions are so telling of your wonderful nature.
ReplyDeleteThink of it this way; you are actually emotional because you care enough about your kids interaction with a mother figure as apposed to the ones who would rather spend time in a hairsalon.
Good for you for being involved enough to care.
Don't worry- just show your appreciation to her as much as you can. And verbally thank her too.
Your being away at work is helping your children in a dif way for the future. Look at it that way. Its ok to have a nanny.
if you're a good mom, you should feel no jealousy.
ReplyDeleteI dont have kids of my own, but I am sure that what you are feeling is normal. Just be grateful that you have and honest and caring person to keep your child safe and happy when you are away. Thats a wonderful thing to have :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm kind of curious as to what happened with your last nanny, but I understand why you're guarded. I'm glad to hear you will get rid of the nanny camera, especially since you know for sure she is a good nanny.
ReplyDeleteAnd BTW, jealousy is a normal human function. It happens to all of us, even to good moms, so that comment by mommy/nannydearest is just a load of crap. Only someone with no feeling whatsoever would say something like that.
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ReplyDeleteAnonymous said...
ReplyDeleteYour feelings are perfectly normal. I am both a father who saw my wife go through this with our child and a former nanny agency owner who saw this many times. In fact I've seen mom's fire a nanny with no notice to the kids out of jealousy.
I'm sure the nanny senses your feelings and maybe it would be best to talk it over with her and work it out. That's what my wife did with our nanny-and she's still here after ll years!
8:13 PM
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I don't get jealous of the nanny. Her life is duplo blocks, snotty noses and dirty faces. My life is champagne cocktails, fur coats, shoulder pads, and steamy affairs at the office!
ReplyDeleteWheeeee! I'm sooooo pretty!
Amd I'm having an affair with her husband!
ReplyDeleteI'm also a Mom who has a great nanny. I think most Moms, working on SAH, nanny employer or not, are always questioning are they doing the right thing, the best thing, for their children. Mom is not a position where you ever are confident you are at the top of your game or the best one ever. I think every Mom has at least some insecurity. It's especially hard to see a nanny seem to do things/handle things better with the kids than you do. My kids don't don't argue or pitch fits as much with her as they do with me and they love her dearly, look forward to seeing her and look forward to playing with her. It took awhile for me to realize it, but just because they love her doesn't mean they love me less. There are special things they want to do with me they don't do with the nanny. And, one of the big eye openers was seeing her own kids interact with her. Although my kids rarely, if ever, push back, her kids act with her as my kids do with her--guess testing parental limits is universal behavior for kids.
ReplyDeleteyea, I agree with NotAnonymous. Many kids tend to act "worse" around their parents and "angelic" for sitters or relatives while visiting. I know I did as a kid. I sometimes sit for a little boy whose mother NEEDS a break from once in awhile, if you know what I mean. When he comes to my house he is sweet, kind, cooperative, generous and loving. She is always blown away by it. I don't know why this is, but I think it's very common.
ReplyDeleteIts ok, you can have the bald bastard. I've got an iron-clad pre-nup. Wheeeeee!
ReplyDeleteOP..I am not mom but a nanny..but my "Mom" that I work for had a preschool meeting with her sons teacher and when she came home from the meeting she explained that as her sons mom she had to kind of form an acceptence that there would be another woman coming in to her home nurture her child and teach him things, and care for him when he is sick other than her. And then she thanked me and told me that her son got such a good report from school and he is the way he is because I am there with them "co-raising" and she can't think of anyone else she would rather have in her home. That day was great for me.
ReplyDeleteI didn't read any of the comments on this thread, so maybe I'm repeating...but I have two thoughts:
ReplyDelete1) You sound like a mom who would really love to raise her own kids and have the experiences your nanny is now enjoying. Is there any way you can work that out for now? I mean even if you have to sell your house and rent a crappy apartment...you will have a lifetime of joy and no regrets if you keep ypurself from wasting another precious moment of your very short mommy years. There is the rest of your life to have money, but only a brief, fleeting time you have to be a mom. Diamonds last forever. Kids don't.
2) Otherwise, be glad your kids have somebody who treats them well, since you've chosen not to be that person yourself (either by choice or necessity.)When you're a mom, the first thing you have to realize is that it's now about the kids' well being, far ahead of your own personal feelings.
you have no reason to be jealous. Just be glad you have a good nanny. you're their mom, they know that and love you too.
ReplyDeleteTry try try to overcome this though, because as a nanny myself, I can tell when a parent feels jealousy towards me. However, I understand thats typical when someone else is bonding with their kids all day.
But it was your choice to hire a nanny, so you either should talk to your nanny about it, see a professional or stick it out. Maybe you should pray about it.
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ReplyDeleteAnonymous said...
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I'm new at this, so bear with me. Second, since everyone is focusing more on the nanny cam issue, I'll get that out of the way: I am a nanny. Would I mind being filmed with my kids (yes, I call them my kids and their parents call them my kids too, in context, of course. They will always be their children.) No. I wouldn't mind. Do I think there is an ethical issue with filming someone without their knowledge? Absolutely. As a person who loves children and knows the horror stories that can take place, do I understand the desire to keep an eye on ANYONE who spends time with your child? Definitely. But let's put ethics aside for a minute and just think about this. You may or may not feel okay with someone fliming you at your workplace, making sure you are doing your job the way they expect it. But this is different. A nanny's workplace isn't an office. It's a home. In a home, one in which you are comfortable, you may do things you wouldn't do in an office situation. I watch 4 children ages 3, almost 3, 1, and during certain times of the year, a 5 year old who is mostly in school. I've been with this family for more than two years now. They are better than I could ever hope to find again. I don't live near my family and they treat me as a member in their's . . . even the more distant relatives. We are friends, as well as employer-employee and they love that I love their kids. I am very comfortable with their home and their family, as they are with me. No one else is in the home during the day with me. Especially when the children were younger, there were times when we might "have an accident." I end up with some sort of mess/bodily fluid all over my clothes and I need to change. I wear tank tops under everything, so in front of the young children who don't know or care, I might take off my top layer to scrub a stain or change my shirt completely, depending on the mess. It's not convenient to drag three small children into a small bathroom while I try to clean myself up. It's much easier to just deal with it in the kitchen. And, again, I am still clothed, just a little less than I normally am. But would I do that in an office environment? Or even if there were someone else upstairs? NO!!!! I certainly don't want my employers seeing me that way, would you? So, again, this isn't just any regular work you're filming. Nannying has it's own set of duties and issues that come up and have to be dealt with at a moment's notice. We may not always think like we would in an office situation, especially if you have worked somewhere for a while and are at ease there. Bottom line, if you know enough to trust her, turn it off. If you don't, tell her it's on. You don't even have to tell her where or how many there are. Whatever. But she needs to know she's not really alone when she's the only one in the house. And really, I think references are the best way to avoid having a nanny cam at all. If you're worried about the legality of what can be offered in a reference, ask any prospective nanny what they would feel okay with their former employer sharing with you. If they hesitate to say "everything," I would keep searching. Personally, when I'm interviewing, I give out my references (in the form of home phone numbers and full names) and specifically tell them to ask anything they feel the need to know of my past employer. I also call my former employer to let them know I want them to be really upfront with the potential family. Neither of us will be happy if it's not a good fit. so I'd rather know right away if I am what their looking for or not.
Now on to your question: Is your jealousy normal? I can't say how often, but I've definitely known people who have felt this way. One woman I know heard one of her children slip and call their nanny "mom" one day, quit her job the next and became a stay-at-home mom because of it. I honestly think that any GOOD mother who really loves and wants quality time with her children is going to get a little jealous when their children develop a close relationship with their nanny because the relationships seem so similar on the surface. But the truth is, as close as they may get to the nanny, if you make time for them and love them the way you should, you will always be the only one they look at as mom. And I think good mothers know that, despite the way it may make them feel, you can't ask for anything more than to have a nanny who loves and cares for your child and a child who loves them in return. I noticed a while ago when the youngest one I watch began talking, that the Mom was getting a little jealous . . . he refers to me as "Mama" as freely as he does her. I was a little worried it might be a problem, though she knows I correct him by saying "I'm not a mama! I'm ____" in a playful manner. For a few weeks it seemed to bother her. Then she stopped reacting as much. Now, when he says it, she replies "Is that your day-time mama?" and laughs. The whole family refers to me as his day-time mama from time to time now. It seemed to help her to acknowledge the similarity in our relationships with him, especially since I've been with him since the day he was born in the hospital. But he still acts differently with her than he does with me. He clings to us both when being "handed off" to other people but when he's presented with the choice between mama or day-time mama, mama always wins. The bottom line is to find a way to outlet the twinges of jealousy you are feeling and take comfort in the fact that when you have to be away from them, your children are spending time with someone who treats them so well and who they love so much. Nannies, even long term ones, come and go. Moms are forever. There's no changing that.
12:53 PM
RE-POST FOR ANONYMOUS!!
DAMN, YOU NEED A MONIKER, HONEY!!
LOL!!
Anonymous said...
ReplyDeleteTo "A Rich Lady":
You are horrible. First of all, this really has NOTHING to do with this posting. Second, you have no feelings whatsoever. Third, stop cheating on your husband. Either be faithful or get a spine and divorce him instead of cowardly sleeping around behind his back. Same goes for the nanny's husband. Fourth, you obviously care nothing for your children and only for your "champagne and fur coats." You are a child. And a spoiled, horrible, brat at that. Grow up. Your children deserve better.
1:10 PM
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lol Glad you approve. Does this moniker work?
ReplyDeletetellitallnanny, good post! I remember when my son was just starting to talk, for awhile, both I and his daddy were "mamama" to him. :)
ReplyDeleteI thought the "rich lady" was just someone being facetious. Maybe not?
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ReplyDeleteAnonymous said...
ReplyDeleteShame on you for using a nanny cam. I hope your nanny finds out and quits. You do not deserve someone as good as her.
2:57 PM
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ReplyDeleteAnonymous said...
ReplyDeleteI thing you are just a wonderful mother, you love your kids, that's why you feel jealous.
Az a nanny-mother, understand your feelings. I'm sure that you are a good person, don't feel guilty. :-)
12:48 PM
RE-POST FOR ANONYMOUS!
YOU NEED A MONIKER! :)
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ReplyDeleteAnonymous said...
ReplyDeleteThe solution is simple. Turn off the nanny cam. It almost seems like you wanted to find something to be upset about.
1:40 PM
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Didn't you see the re-post above this? You need a moniker.
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ReplyDeleteno dumb dumb. you don't ever have to inform your nanny of a nanny camera. you can put a camera in your own house whenever you want. in most states, you just can't record audio and obviously you shouldn't record people crapping in the bathroom. what am i saying? sit and spin, nannies. sit and spin, motherfuckers.
ReplyDeleteThis would not get re-posted except it has a response to it by "ECKO":
ReplyDeleteAnonymous said...
if your nanny found out that you were using a nanny cam and you never informed her she has the right to sue you so just chew on that for a little bit!
Jul 27, 2009 9:53:00 PM