Received Thursday, December 4, 2008 - Perspective & Opinion
I have been a nanny for the past 7 years and have great experience and references. I have CPR and First Aid CERTs and I am a natural with children. I have worked for really great families and love and still in contact with all my employers and the kids. I have been working with this family of special needs kids for the past 2 years and been very happy. I am nanny number 5 in 3 years. I was number 4 in that same year that I was hired. I love the children and my employers and they say they love me too. Of course the kids' love is genuine.
I started noticing things that are not really making me happy anymore. When I first started we never discussed holidays so they kinda wanted to take the holidays as they come. Meaning I wouldn't be able to make any plans because my holidays would be based on whether she felt like giving me the day off or not. I work 60 hrs a week for $800 on the books (gross), 6 days a week. When it came to me not having labor day off (of all the holidays, labor day is very significant), I said no to that and I suggested that we work out a plan for the holidays. That worked out well and I ended up having 5 holidays paid for. I was just supposed to be a nanny to the kids and like I said these were special needs kids with serious problems and I wouldn't have time for anything else.
My problem that I am currently working on is that I don't know how to say "NO". Even when in general people want something from me, whether or not I can afford it, I usually do whatever they ask for. I tend to put everyone before me, even those I do not know. I am trying to be a little selfish so that I can get to do something for myself for once. By the way I am 23yrs old and a full time student. Now one year down the road am frequently asked to do things that were originally verbally stated that I wouldn't have to do at all. Now am asked to vacuum the house, do the adults laundry (I take care of the kids' laundry so that is no problem), I have been asked to run errands like grocery shopping, dry cleaners, and little things here and there. I am now even cooking all because I don't know how to say NO. These are clearly people who have studied me and know how nice I am and will do anything. I feel like there should be extra compensation for that if I must do that but otherwise I'd rather not because as a full time student I have a lot on my plate. The little energy I have left is for my studies.
I love the kids to death because they are so nice and I just bonded with them instantly from day one. Since they are special needs children they have a lot of sicknesses and emergencies that come with that and being trained I have always known how to calmly handle every situation whether seizures, breathing failure, diarrhea and the rest that I will keep private but it is a lot of stuff. I have been begged to accompany them for vacation on one occasion but after working an extra 20hrs on top of my normal hrs and not get anything extra, I said that's it!!! I'd rather stay home because I still will get paid. I get sick because these kids get every little germ out there, my health is at risk due to a certain contagious disease that one of the kids has but that ain't stopping me from working there I just don't like these little things piling up. However when I get sick that's a problem. "I am told that I cannot get sick" I mean am I God???? according to statistics, 99% of the times nannies get sick is from the children.
There is no communication because she knows it all. I get yelled at for being 5 to 10 minutes late even having called prior to getting to work. One time I got yelled at yet I was 5 minutes early (they had used the wrong clock that was 15 minutes ahead of time) I explained that the clock was wrong but that fell on deaf ears. She dared to say that I'm not helpful and boy! did that hurt. I am the one who does everything in the house and I mean everything even that which ain't my job. I make sure all is done just so they can get home and only play with the kids before bed instead of trying to do a million other little things. I feel like I am not appreciated like I should be. Sometimes I am so exhausted and though it hurts me economically I have to take a day off (unpaid) occasionally just so I can get a break. They get mad when the kids keep asking for me even when I am off, that's not my fault! I am tired of being treated like a kid. I am currently looking for a new job and its looking good. I just don't know how I am going to tell them that I will be leaving. I have good benefits and everything else is ok. I just don't like being treated like a servant.
Now here is the major issue. They now want me to live in which they did ask in the beginning but I have always had a strong opinion about living in and I have told them NO from day one. They bring it up every now and then but it's always been a NO. I have said that if the arrangement we have is not working anymore then it's time to move on but they don't wanna hear that. They are like, "we don't want a nanny transition, we want you!" I don't think am stuck with them and we have no contract. I have offered to recommend some people I know that would be good for a live in but they don't want that. I love the kids and all but I don't think I have an obligation to live in, this will not work for me as a student. It's a lot going on.
Lately I try as hard as I can to be at work on time and not be late even for thirty seconds so no more yelling. The thing is she not yelling because I am late, (5-10 mins ain't that bad) but because she's going through a lot of things that leave her angry, emotionally troubled and frustrated and more often than not I fall victim of that. She uses the F word with me and actually they use that word even around the kids. I don't wanna go into details of what's going on again to protect my identity but this is just a tip of the iceberg. Parents and nannies please help, I am getting stressed over these issues not to mention that I have my own issues to deal with, what am I doing wrong or what should I do????????
What are you doing wrong? Staying in a job where you are unhappy.
ReplyDeleteIt's that simple.
You are doing nothing wrong besides letting them take advantage of you. As a nanny I have learned that there is always a reason behind families having 5 or 6 nannies that havent worked out. Its them not you. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteThe root of your problem lies within yourself. If you can't say no to anyone about anything, you will get screwed as long as you are alive by people who have no qualms about taking advantage of your easygoing nature. If you won't stand up for yourself, it's unreasonable, as an adult, to expect anyone else to do so, and you have made yourself a smiling doormat for people who will continue to treat you like a pile of dog sh*t as long as you let them. Your choices are simple–learn to stick up for yourself, or get screwed by every employer you will ever have. Letting yourself get pushed around and venting about it on a message board will NOT help you.
ReplyDeleteI'd say you should discuss these problems with your employers, and then give it 3 months to see if things improve and if they stick with whatever agreements you come to. If not, find a new job and do better at sticking up for yourself from day one so this doesn't happen to you again.
She yells at you and uses the F word, and you are still there?!!!! You are being abused, taken advantage of, and you are miserable. You know you need to quit.
ReplyDeleteIt is always hard to say goodbye to children you love, but remember, this is a job. It will end eventually one way or another, and you will move on and find new children who need your care.
When you do, get a contract that spells out your duties, and if you interview with a family that has gone through five nannies in three years, run for your life!
Wake up already! Just get out of there. I don't understand nannies that "stick it out" for the kids. Yeah you like and feel a love for them. But you know what you have to take care of yourself. No one is going to do it for you.
ReplyDeleteYour in school thats great. I know its hard to just leave especially if you need a fixed amount of money a week. Do you live alone? Maybe, you can get a roomate even if its temporary to help with the rent and expenses. Even if you get a job making less, if you have a roomate that may hold you over. Until, you finish your school and start your career.
Good luck!
you're mental! get a new job sister!
ReplyDelete23 years old? time to be an adult. stand up for yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou poor thing. If you're a college student, you should have free counseling service available. You need some help learning to stick up for yourself. A therapist can help you with role playing and learning how to say "No." The mom you work for sounds mental---it really is an abusive situation.
ReplyDeleteYou have the right to be selfish while finishing school. That should be your focus.
I admire you for going to school full-time and working more than full-time as a nanny + working with special needs children as well. And not to mention being exposed to illness and mental anguish from this family. When I was your age, (I am almost 40), I could never say NO to others as well, I hated confrontation and would avoid it at all costs! But to let yourself get taken advantage of only eats at you and makes you a bitter person.
ReplyDeleteYour boss probably is stressed from working and having special needs children. Understandable. However, not understandable is how she treats you. I would tell her what you told us, tactfully of course, then if things do not change in say 2 weeks max, I would give notice and leave. No wonder they have had multiple nannies...she sounds like she is impossible to work for.
Concentrate on school and your bright future.
As a nanny, I would not want to do the parent's laundry or otherwise. If you keep this up with not speaking up, you may find yourself scrubbing bathrooms and washing windows in a month.
Good Luck OP.
Some people are ASS and will take advantage of others if they think they can. Sounds like you have an ass on your hands. You've got options, so leave the asses to their own devices.
ReplyDeleteGoing to school and working is hard. Going to school FT and working FT is harder. Add special needs children in that mix plus what OP describes, and you have E-X-H-A-U-S-T-I-O-N. OP, I do commend you for what you do and the schedule that you keep, especially working with special needs children, since I know we (I use myself in this because I am special needs) are a challenge. However, your boss sounds like a power hungry control freak that can't survive without you, if she needs you to do this and that around the house, and if she needs you to have no life of your own because she can't handle her own children, even though they have special needs. What your boss needs is to be thankful that you are even working for her, if she has had X amount of nannies in X amount of years. What you need OP is backbone, because if you are doing all this extra work that she could and should be doing herself and school work on top of that, you need to stand up for yourself and tell her you won't do extra work. Backbone. That's all you need. I am not trying to be mean, yet I remember being 23 once too. *LOL* I am glad you are looking for a new job, and remember that x amount of nannies in x amount of years is a red flag that you don't want to be working for that family. The second thing you MUST HAVE is a work agreement. That way what this bitch of an employer is putting you through won't happen again.
ReplyDeleteGET OUT. They won't change-- EVER. I know-- I have been there. Please don't let my hurtful experience be in vain-- learn from my heartache and LEAVE. Please fellow nanny-- please.
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ReplyDeleteAre you with an agency who will protect you? I graduated from English Nanny and Governess School and when my employers started mistreating me like what you have been goig through, I called the ENGS placement agency and they stepped in. The family would not honor my enployment contract and ENGS pulled me and I was placed w/another family in 1 WEEK and for more money and better benefits. Don't let them mistreat you, your a professional and you should be treated like one!
ReplyDeleteCalimom and Eric's mom saved me a lot of typing. I would have written all of what they said together.
ReplyDeleteI had nannied for a family who took advantage of me not being able to say no to them. THEY DO NOT MAGICALLY WAKE UP AND CHANGE. No, instead they get worse. My employer ended up docking money from my paycheck and I LET HER. Just because my own life outside of work was just as screwed up and I just didn't want to deal with anything else. I hated confrontation but I needed the experience, for it was my first nannying job and I had a tough time finding a family at first without any background experience.
ReplyDeletehowever, I got out. I had moved out of my house and told my employer that I needed to get my own place and that I needed to find myself a job that provided me with more pay. She and I still talk, crazy enough, but I understand that they're cheap. It did help me out getting the position I have now, she had given me a spectacular reference. But, now I realize that saying NO does not make you selfish, it makes you smart. Obviously don't get carried away though, compromising is also smart, but DO NOT LET people walk all over you. This lady clearly is.
deep down you know you should find a new job. You shouldn't feel like you have to stick it out for the kids, they aren't yours anyway and all nannying jobs eventually end. Keep your goals and dreams alive and focus on them. They are number one.
Hope that helps.
OP,
ReplyDeleteAre we twin souls? With regards to holidays and being too nice, you sound A LOT like me.
I have been in a similar situation regarding days off and not being able to say no.I just want to say yes and make them happy so we can get along, just like you.
The big difference is that this family, although extremely stingy and cheap, is very kind and easygoing.
But I still need my time off. Unlike you, I started slacking off instead of doing more. To make up for the lack of time off, I would do schoolwork, excercise and run errands on the job. But I just didn't like being a mediocre nanny for a cheap family.
What I finally did was I had a big discussion with my boss about how I was getting burnt out on NEVER getting days off except for the six major holidays. We discussed things over and over, she was very sweet and persuasive but I was strong.
In conclusion, we decided I am going to start searching for a new job in the spring and she is going to look for a preschool.
It's tough but it's going to be for the best. It took me a lot of heartache to get to this point, and a long time to build up the strength.
I hope you can do the same for yourself, but only you can decide when you're ready. Remember, there is a shortage of quality nannies out there. And a lot of people who will shower you with appreciation and treat you like the jewel you are.
(By the way, our hourly rates are the same and we are getting screwed!)
well cali mom,
ReplyDeletenot everyone has the ability to stick up for themselves like that. some people are sweet and innocent and just aren't as tough. she obviously needs support and encouragement. just because she's an adult doesn't mean stregnth and courage just come overnight.
They probably won't come overnight, but if someone doesn't want to spend the next 80 years being treated like crap by people who yell at them with the F-word, and find themselves panhandling on the streets and sleeping in a cardboard box in a doorway in their senior years, it's a worthwhile endeavor to learn to stick up for their own basic needs. That's what professionals do, and no one will just magically pay you a lot, give you ample time off and make sure all your needs are being met because you are too timid to do so. OP's employers certainly won't and my advice to her was to first find better employers, and second, learn to take better care of herself.
ReplyDelete