A Nanny's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

Received Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Conventional wisdom says that a person who is prepared for a sudden infestation of flesh-eating zombies is ready for anything. Therefore, it only makes sense that a nanny should know what to do if and when there is an outbreak of the undead. I hope you find this guide helpful and not at all terrifying.

* When caring for small children during a zombie outbreak, it is preferable to barricade oneself and one's charges inside the house you're working in and await rescue rather than try to travel to a stronghold. First, set the child/children down at the highest and most secure part of the dwelling, along with food, nappies, bedding and medical supplies. Fill up as many water vessels as you can before the water supply is compromised. After you've done this, destroy the staircase and use any and all furniture to build a barrier. However, make sure there is an emergency exit in case your walls are breached.

* If you are outdoors when the outbreak occurs, abandon your charge's stroller immediately. Trying to wheel it home will only slow you down and draw attention. If you have a baby sling or papoose, use that instead. If you don't, improvise using your clothes. You may need your hands free to carry weapons and fight off any attackers. If possible, secure the baby to the front rather than the back. (If you have to run, be mindful of the baby's head. It'll be easier to cushion from the front.)

* If you have a walking child under the age of seven, hold them tightly by the hand and be prepared to carry them under your arm as soon as you need to bolt. A child under the age of ten may need to cling to your back. An older child will have to keep up with you.

* Once you're sure you are safe, try to contact your employers to assure them that their children are safe. Their biggest fear is that survival instinct has prompted you to abandon them. If you are a good nanny, this will not be an issue and they will be relieved that their children are with you.

* Keep the children as quiet as possible. This will be difficult with a baby, but essential as crying will draw zombies to your stronghold and if they think there's someone in there, they will keep trying to break in until they succeed. Using a child's cot/playpen and multiple sheets and blankets, it is possible to create an almost-soundproof chamber to put the baby in whenever it gets upset. If you're on the run, this isn't possible and you'll simply have to keep as far away from the red zones as possible, and be ready to pack up and run at a moment's notice.

* NEVER leave yourself without food, rest or medicine so that the child/children can have more. They can live without that little bit extra. They can't live without you.

* Use everything you have sparingly. Recycle where possible.

* If you have to leave the stronghold at any point for food/water/help, don't bring the children. Don't stay out longer than two hours, and secure the blockades before you leave.

* If you have to go on the run, go on foot. Cars may run out of gas and leave you and the children stranded in a red zone and it's easier to navigate high ground on food. Stick to high ground if you can, as zombies can't climb.

* You can get older children to keep lookout for you while you rest. Don't do it for more than an hour out in the open.

* If you fall in with other survivors, they may see the children as a liability and suggest that you leave them, or euthanize them as they won't survive anyway. If a person does suggest this, they are not to be trusted and you must leave their company with haste.

* If you join with another group, don't leave your charge/charges alone with them. During an attack, if you're not there they may abandon your charges for the sake of their own lives.

* If it seems like there is nowhere left to go that's safe, make for the highest ground you possibly can. Plan to survive there for the long term with the children until society has righted itself.

And if you have anything to add to this, please go ahead and do so. This is the kind of stuff I plan when the twins are asleep and I'm bored at the bus stop.