I recently had my full time nanny position end due to the family moving out of the city. I cared for their 2 year old daughter since she was an infant. The parents and I got along ok, but not close friends, spent little time with them but they seemed to be nice people who adored their daughter and were good to me, polite, kind, holiday bonues were generous I was on the books and paid full taxes and unemployment insurance etc.They gave me notice they were moving and I continued working there right up till the day the moving vans arrived. I took my little angel to the park while they packed and then had a heartbreaking goodbye with my little one. I was invited to her birthday party 2 weeks later at their new home an hour away and I dont drive but managed to get a ride there and back. Everything seemed fine with them. The mom had another baby due in Nov. and promised to call me as soon as it was born etc, and that Id come to see my angel at the holidays. She wrote me a glowing reference letter stating I was the best and Id still be with them if it wasnt for the move, a couple of my potential employers who have interviewed me tallked to her and got good review/references.
Im still looking for work, the economy has really made the competition fierce here in Chicago. Getting interviews but so far only being offered part time or under minimum wage stuff. I filed for Unemployment Insurance, which I paid for thru my with holdings. Right after I got my first check (of half my salary) I got a letter saying they were suspending my benefits because my employer stated on the forms she was required to make out that Id quit!!That would mean I wasnt qualified to get any UI! I was quite shocked and surprised and assumed it was a screw up. UI is requiring me to go to a fraud hearing, saying they would take back anything they had paid me so far if it was found I quit.
I immediately called my ex boss...no reply to 2 calls in 2 days, so I then sent 3 emails and a snail mail letter telling her the situation and asking for a letter stating Id been let go /laid off because of the move. No reply in almost three weeks now. NOTHING...she is ignoring me. I am now convinced she did tell them I quit...but why? What possible reason? My UI account has 14K in it..she doesnt have to pay anything. Im a single 54 yr old woman and this is my only income. Why would I quit since I had no new job to go to and why would I be there till moving day if I quit?
Will the signed reference letter original I have be proof, where she says she had to let me go because they were leaving the city?
I literally cant eat or sleep over this..Im very upset about the money, but even more about her doing this to me, lying to the state and impoverishing me with a lie? I guess Im just ranting, venting to all of you..who knows why shed screw me like this.
Plus now I assume Im never going to see my angel again and thats killing me...
Don't worry about your UI checks, they will rule in your favor. The fact that you have written proof is pretty much a guarantee that you will get your unemployment. Don't forget to claim each week even if you are not receiving pay until the hearing, as you will get back compensation for each week you claim and qualify for. Employers do not want to have former employees get UI compensation. Something to do with higher taxes for them. That is all it is, financial, money, greed. So sorry about the kid being a part of it. Hopefully, they can be mature and get over it soon enough that you can continue to visit the sweetie pie. Just don't give up..on your UI money AND on your former charge. Hey, you did nothing wrong, you deserve it all! Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Lola - you have a reference letter stating the reason why you no longer worked for them (because they moved). If you have prospective employers who also got references from her and talked to her via phone or email, I would ask them for signed affidavits of her words to them when they checked you out.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
show them all the letters, that is what I did when I got fired. luckily the mom I worked for gave me a nasy departure letter which worked in my favor because she mentioned knowing I was exhausted from working 69 hours a week and other nasty stuff,it made her look like a nut job, never write a letter when you are angry!
ReplyDeleteI believe in karma and I hope this family gets it big time and I am glad ny laws changed and live ins are supposed to get over time because these families take advantage karma will take care of them and I will never work for their kind again
Your old boss is probably contesting you collection because the fact that you collect makes it more expensive for her to buy unemployment insurance for the next employee. Take the letter to the fraud hearing. You are lucky you have it!
ReplyDeleteUgh! What a nightmare. Good think you were on the books, and have written proof. You'll be okay. Sometimes people don't always turn out to be who we think they are. I will throw this out there because you said you're in Chicago, but have you tried to find a job on the npnparent.org message boards? If you're not familiar, it's a large community message board. NPN has like 4000 families as members. There are always families looking for quality nannies for regular positions and nanny shares. I hope I don't get flamed for spam or something, you can take this down if it violates. I'm just a member of the community and see people looking all the time, and wanted to help you out. You do have to pay to join the whole association, but the fee isn't large and it's for a year. The Chicago craigslist nanny ads are just drying up, and sitter city has SO many people looking. Good luck! I hope you find something soon!
ReplyDeleteFYI.....that isn't YOUR UI account that you collect from. It is your EMPLOYER'S UI account. And if you are paid out all of that money and are still due more, your EMPLOYER has to make up the difference, either by paying a lump sum to the state OR by having their UI rate increase so that their balance with the state isn't negative. I paid a nanny on the books who collected unemployment and learned this then. Your employer doesn't want to have to pay out more money than she already has - that is why they are lying. I'm not saying you don't deserve the money - of course you do....but it may end up a case of he said/she said. Did they tell you that you no longer have a job with them OR did you quit because you couldn't continue to work at their 'new location' because you weren't willing to relocate?? Sorry to be a downer but you may be shit outta luck.
ReplyDeleteOP, great advice from everyone on here. I think the fact that the recommendation letter specifically states you were "let go" should be sufficient proof for you. And I like the idea of having the people your former boss spoke to as proof as well. Your former boss is definitely avoiding your calls/emails and I think she is doing it for one reason and one reason only..SHE KNOWS SHE IS IN THE WRONG HERE!!! She isn't talking to you because she knows that if she does, she will only look like the bad one here since she is in fact being cheap and shady. She wants to avoid paying higher taxes and is committing fraud against the government! But the worst part here is that she is treating you like this..the one person who loved her child and provided such wonderful and dedicated care to her child. I know this because you stated she wrote you a glowing reference letter! Shame on her. I would fight this tooth and nail. For her to be so cold like this, to not even care that this affects your whole livelihood pisses me off beyond belief.
ReplyDeleteSadly, I am almost positive that when all the dust has settled here, regardless of the outcome, the dynamics involving the child will be 180 degrees different. I think there is 0 possibility they will let you visit the child and you unfortunately may never see your charge again. This is a HUGE downside to being a nanny.
But Good Luck to you, fight for what you are entitled to and praise the Lord that you have the recommendation letter in your hands.
OP I am so very sorry you are not being treated well and have to deal with this! This makes me so angry that people actually do this! You realize they are cheating! Ugh! How terrible! It's so sad really!I hope you are able to get you UI back with little trouble! You can fight this you have a good leg to stand on with your proof of a severance letter.
ReplyDeleteLet this be a HUGE lesson to ALL you parents who want a nanny! You want to pay your nanny on the books (which is not only the legal thing to do but moral right,) great. But let me tell you parents of America! If you are going to claim a nanny as an employee you MUST do it right! When you hire her, you MUST have her fill out a W2 and have it to her by January 31, like any other employer would do! You MUST claim her whole salary, and expect to have to pay some serious taxes for UI, and disability and let's not forget so she can also recieve Social Security. You are taking on the responsibility of having an employee in your home the you must take all legal and moral steps, NO CUTTING CORNERS! Keep in mind, by cheating the system you will never win. Remember nannies are people too, who work hard, long days with zero health benefits little vacation, and put up with a lot of bs, nannies deserve to be treated fairly and not be cheated because the family wants to save a few bucks. If you want to play cheap ass employer then you will never gain! Child care is expensive regardless where you live, if you go through a daycare center or in home care, so just accept this an move on!
OP, when is your hearing? Please let us know the outcome!!!
ReplyDeleteWill the signed reference letter original I have be proof, where she says she had to let me go because they were leaving the city?
ReplyDeleteYES! Meanwhile, stalk the bitch!
Dont stalk the former employer. Use the letter and any affadavits you can get from others about this. Be glad you were on the books and have a chance at UI.
ReplyDeleteBTW losing your job becuase the place of employment has moved and you did not or could not move with them can be grounds for getting UI in some areas. Might have to look it up for your state.
OP, I just read your post again and something else to think about - you stated you have been offered employment by people "part time or under minimum wage stuff." By minimum wage, do you mean actual federal minimum wage or a wage less than you think is acceptable? I only bring this up because there is the possibility that someone who has offered you a job that you declined told your former employer that you were offered a position and called them to maybe ask why you didn't accept. I'm just throwing this out there- I know child care is expensive etc but the UI laws were designed with huge companies in mind who have several employees -where when 1 collects UI, it doesn't really make a dent in the Employer's UI account. When you have ONE household employee who collects UI after you let them go (and we all know nanny jobs come to an end as the children grow or the family moves)- it really impacts the employer's finances going forward.... I get the feeling that a lot of people think if you can afford a nanny you are rolling in cash and this isn't always the case. Did your employer give you a severance? Perhaps they budgeted in for a severance but didn't think you were going to collect UI from them because they assumed you'd find another job quickly? I think you have a right to pursue your case by I think you should familiarize yourself with the laws in your state so you can mount a good argument.
ReplyDeletenannies get so shocked when stuff like this goes down! you are not their family, you are their employee, parents are going to do what is good for them not for their nanny, these people live for money and they are cold. what kind of a mother leaves her kids with a stranger to be raised? the kind that loves the money. almost every job I had the mom told me it was easier to go to work than stay home! dont have kids what do you get out of it? instead of living on one salary and not spend on material items they have to spend on nonsense! and what really kills me is the women who go too the ends of the earth to get pregnant and want a baby so so so bad and then they leave the baby with a nanny! I just dont get it!
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why all families who employee nannies are lumped together as evil. People who employee nannies have varying income levels. We had a nanny for our 2 kids - had to dig into savings to afford it but saw it as a short term thing we had to suck up until both kids were in school full time. Some women don't want to give up a career that they worked in for 10 years prior to having kids and stay home for 7 years and lose their place in their industry. This describes MOST of the people that I know - but you wouldn't think that from what nannies say on here.
ReplyDeleteto "a mom"
ReplyDeletethe nannies here are only telling it as they have experienced it.
You are correct: there are many women who put their career and their "place in the industry" before their children. I think that is EXACTLY what the nannies here are saying.
Good for you for admitting that your career is far more important than your children. lol. At least you are up front about your priorities.
Although it is beyond sad.
As far as families who employ nannies having differing levels of income: in my opinion, if you do not have the money, you need to hire a babysitter or a home daycare or a childcare center.
to 'another mom'....it has nothing to do with putting your career before your children. Give me a break! If that is the case, I don't ever want to hear about a nanny having kids of her own - because then the nanny is putting a job ahead of her kids too. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all not work for 18+ years while we raised our kids? Seriously, another mom, I don't know what simpleton planet you live on - there is nothing wrong with wanting to maintain a two-income career family, wanting to be able to afford nice vacations etc. Not to mention the security of having two people contributing to a household income should 1 parent lose a job. In addition what happens to a mom who gives up her career to stay home when her husband decides to leave her? I don't understand these nannies on here who criticize the lifestyle of the people who hire them. If you don't agree with it, go find a different line of work!
ReplyDeleteOP, I think the signed reference letter should be proof enough as it stated that you did not "quit" voluntarily nor were you "fired" from your job. You were simply "let go" which to me equals "laid off."
ReplyDeleteI think what this family did is equal to paying you off the books. They are breaking the law. I now see the flip side as to why parents like to pay under the table. Sure, they give up their childcare deductions, but they also get out of paying their UI, SS, MediCare, etc. taxes. No wonder most of my families like to keep it plain and simple. I watch their kid for such and such amount of hours and they just pay me for the hours worked.
Please keep us all posted on the outcome OP. You have all of our support.
To a mom...you have ONLY one opportunity to raise a your children and career possiblities are never scarce. Some food for thought.
ReplyDeletewell, if that is the case and a woman can take 5 years off without income to raise her kid, than why is OP complaining about going a few months with no income?I don't understand what all the hub-bub is then.
ReplyDeleteJobs are a dime a dozen, right?? Quit complaining about the UI and go get another one!
OP, I think you are overly attached to the child. Your referred to her as your angel several times and say it's killing you that you may never see her again. Unless one is heartless, you will get attached to the children that you are raising, but you shouldn't go into this type of job assuming that you will be part of the family. Even in situations where the nanny parent relationship was great, many have ended abruptly. I'm just saying that you should guard your heart better with the next family.
ReplyDeleteReading this and the responses of those who also greatly miss their charges, it makes me wonder why anyone would subject themselves to that kind of heartbreak. I couldn't do it. Some of you nannies are amazing.
this is very common in every industry. I have 2 friends who were let go and the former emplyer tried to show they either quit or were fired for cause. They each had reasonable proof in writing of the opposite and got their money
ReplyDeletewe all hope this happens with the OP
A mom- You just justified what most nannies believe.
ReplyDelete1. you don't get that time back with your children. sure you can pay for a nice vacation for a week or two but after that vacation is over your still gave up hours, months, years of precious time with your children for a trip somewhere new.
2. if the husband leaves the wife well then the wife gets a great lawyer and takes the house, children, child support, alimony and every other weekend off. Courts favor the wife, especially if they were stay at home moms. My aunt, mother and boyfriends mother got everything and still had the chance to stay home and raise their children. You may have to down size but you keep most of your lifestyle.
3. There is always away to do it. You cut back and save before you have children then spend the first 5 years at home and work part time when they are in school full time.
You will regret the time you missed with your children especially when your retired. You can move up the career ladder only so much and for what satisfaction? Money? well when your old and gray and money doesn't matter you will look back and realized you missed out.
By the way a lot of nannies who have children either become stay at home moms for the first couple of years, bring their children along or are single mothers with no other support. Because they value the fact that in the end family is all that matters.
I believe a parent should raise their children not someone else. This includes fathers, they should be stay at home dads if the mother wants to continue working or makes more money.
ReplyDeleteI just don't understand how someone who calls themselves a nanny could state that they believe a parent should raise their own child and not hire a nanny. A nanny who thinks this way is soulless - she must be- how on earth could she work in a job that enables such a horrific thing? Nannies, stop working in your so called professions! You are enabling these horrible women to put their careers ahead of their children. From this day forward, let's put an END to women working as nannies. The nannies are treated horribly by their employers anyway- let's stop this madness right now - I want to call for ALL nannies- go into your horrible jobs TOMORROW and RESIGN! The world will be a better place for all of us!
ReplyDeleteWow..to a mom..I was going to look at things from your perspective until I read your last post..seriously get a grip here.
ReplyDeleteAnyways the whole "nanny as part of our family" saying is all bull. A nanny will never be part of the family..EVER! Why so? With a family, the relationship is usually unconditional, while a nanny/family relationship is not. As we read on this website lots and lots, many of these relationships crash and burn due to even the most minor issue. Plus, any relationship where money is involved changes the dynamics big time. So while it is a nice sentiment, it is not true if you are to take it in the most literal sense.
To a mom, I am both a nanny and a mother of grown children. I think it is true that nannies would not have jobs if more mothers stayed home with their kids, but I don't see the problem here with disagreeing with a mother who chooses her career over staying home. An example. Many careers (court judges, police officers, probation officers, etc.) exist BECAUSE people break the law everyday and that is why these jobs exist. However, that does not mean necessarily that they approve of people selling dope, committing murder or driving drunk. Get it??
This is totally appalling, I can't believe so many nannies are against working mothers. MY TWO CENTS did you really just compare a mother working outside the home to "people selling dope, committing murder or driving drunk"? I may not always agree with everything my MomBoss' says, but I never for a second have doubted any of their love for their children.
ReplyDeleteNo I did not New New York Nanny..please re-read my posting. It may take some critical thinking on your part. ;)
ReplyDeleteLet me re-explain. Now lawyers, judges, police officers make their living from crime. Plain & Simple. If it weren't for people breaking the law, these people would not have the (sometimes well-paying jobs!) jobs they have. A lawyer would not have a client to defend, a judge would not have a criminal to sentence, nor would a cop have anyone to arrest if every citizen out there broke the law, right? Their services and expertise would not be needed in society at all. But just because their livelihood depends on these criminals does not mean that they do not have the right to say they are opposed to gangs, drugs, violence, etc. They are. Same situation with the nanny profession. Many nannies livelihood's depend on mothers who decide to go back to work as opposed to stay home and care for their young children, many would be without a job if all mothers stayed home. However, they still can be fundamentally opposed to the idea. Just like a cop is opposed to the idea of crime, however with out crime of any kind, he may find himself working at a fast food joint.
My sister works at the Department of Social Services here in Laguna Beach, CA. She is against illegal immigrants coming here and having baby after baby to collect welfare, food stamps, Medi-caid, WIC, etc..while she sees others who work their butts off and do not even have health care for their own families. It pains her greatly, yet she still works for the Welfare Office. Just because someone works at the Welfare office does not mean they have to be in agreement with the lifestyle of the people they work for. And yes, I acknowledge that if no one was on welfare, she would not have a job.
ReplyDelete*If every citizen out there followed the law*
ReplyDeleteCorrection
Just My Two Cents you are wrong. Lawyers do tons of work besides only defending or prosecuting people who've broken the law. There are entire sections of the legal industry where lawyers never go to court in their entire careers (except to serve jury duty). When two companies decide to merge nobody's breaking the law. When two people decide to get a divorce, nobody is breaking the law, and a judge has to sign off on a Judgment of Divorce. When someone wants a living will drawn up, or to do estate planning they go to a lawyer. No laws were broken.
ReplyDeleteif you can afford a nanny you are not hurting for money or your kid would be in a daycare center.these working moms do not do any kind of mothering I ever saw,there was a cleaning service the nanny did the kids laundry, cooked and shopped and everything else for the kids. I was in the emergencey room with a 16 month old child who had to get x rays for her chest because she couldnt breathe, the mom was 15 minutes away do you think she came to the hospital? nope she didnt!
ReplyDeletethe real working moms are the ones who get themselves and kids ready in the morning, drop kids off at daycare, go to work, pick them up at the end of day, cook dinner,clean and do laundry. these are the moms who should be applauded!
having a nanny is a luxury. I have said this before I was a nanny because it paid better then min wage. these families were such a joke, with the horny fathers, and wimpy kids,you would think these mothers could satisfiy there husbands lust, it is not like they have to come home and deal with any mothering. I just dont get why some women have kids!
LawyerMama, I hope you're not really a lawyer, because you clearly have no common sense.
ReplyDeleteSome lawyers are criminal lawyers; obviously they are to whom the poster was referring, and not the others. Good grief. Stop being so defensive and making an issue out of nothing.
A Mom,
ReplyDeletehaha you crack me up! Even if every nanny gave up the profession there are still daycares.
Anyways, did you ever think that some nannies are nannies for the money? New teachers barely make more then some nannies and daycare providers make crap. So if you enjoy working with children one on one, like flexibility and wish not to live in a box, nannying is the easiest option.
I like my boss, she treats me well and pays well. But she doesn't need me to work as much as she does. She rather go shopping, run errands and get her hair cut then spend extra time with him. And she tells be all the time that when I come to work she is free and can finally relax. I spend more waking hours with her son then she does and when they go on vacation they are putting him in the hotel daycare part of the day.
Having children isn't easy, its mentally and emotionally draining, but you don't have them just because all your friends are. They are not a new Prada bag to show off when you want then to put away when your bored with it.
Yes, I enjoy my job but i rather more parents take responsibility for their children and raise them.
BostonNanny - Very well said, I'll "ditto" that!
ReplyDeleteyes, but daycares are usually open 7 or 8 am til 6 pm so there isn't much time to do anything but commute to work, work a day and make it back to pick up your child before they close. And they aren't open weekends. I see nothing wrong with hiring a nanny vs using a day care if both parents work. And in urban environments like NYC getting a kid to daycare on public transit during rush hour would be hard. It just seems like nannies here are OK with working parents if they use daycare but not if they employ nannies because they assume if they can afford a little more $ for the nanny, they must not need to work at all.
ReplyDelete.....so I reiterate again, anybody who works as a nanny is contributing to child neglect by the parents, plain and simple. If there were no nannies, parents would be forced to raise their own kids outside of standard daycare hours. Shame on all you nannies - you are all just in it for the money because there are plenty of other more 'socially responsible' jobs you could take, but you don't because the pay is lower. Nannies should lobby to make it illegal for one to hire a household employee to look after children. This would force all parents to use daycares if they wanted to shirk their parental duties. AND when their kids get sick from the daycare, the daycare won't take them so parents will have to manage their sick kids themselves. I think I am on to something really good here.
ReplyDeleteA mom...you don't seem to get it. We aren't "against" anything except crappy parenting. And not being there for your child and all his milestones is pretty crappy. I have helped countless children take their first steps and encouraged them to say their first words. I just think that's really not my place...that should be the mommy's place and I always think of what a shame it is that she'd rather be at work.
ReplyDeleteThere are family situations where 2 incomes are necessary, such as my own right now. I'd love to have kids but I don't want to shortchange them so we've decided to wait a few more years for when my fiance is making more money and I can stay home with the kids.
It is all about personal choices. If you want to live in a huge home and have 4 fancy cars in the driveway, so be it. You'll have to get the high-paying jobs and get the nanny as well. If you want to make sure you'll be there for every single precious moment of your baby's first few years (time you will NEVER get back), then you might have to settle for the 1200 square foot house and one shared minivan.
Of course I'm exaggerating and there's a million different lifestyles in between, but that's just the general picture I see in my town.
A mom
ReplyDeleteI wasn't saying daycares are more acceptable, I was saying that if we did as you suggested and all quite families would still have daycare to fall back on.
Which you don't mind except its a hassle for you to life a finger to get your own kids ready in the morning and apparently you can't manage to multitask and take your own kids out shopping or running errands with you. Its easier to just hire another woman to raise your children and take care or them, so your free to as you please.
You make yourself sound more and more like an ass.
Oh and god forbid you take care of your own sick child. Don't wanna catch any germs because then you can get your nails done after work and be home right after your nanny puts them to bed.
So i'll reiterate again, Parents should make the sacrifice and raise their own children instead of hiring a nanny to do it for them. If your not a single parent and have the income to afford a nanny, you HAVE the income to stay home for the first few years. So unless you NEED to have new car every few years, or a 600,000- million dollar home with a cleaning crew and landscaper, or the newest louie V. bag then you can live a little below your means for awhile and raise your children.
People live on one income all the time and still raise their own children. Its just a matter of whats more important status or your children.
I'd also like to add that children raised by a loving, involved parents have a greater sense of family, security, community and are more respectful, loyal.They are less likely to do drugs, become a teenage mother, bully, be medicated or be disrespectful. They also have a higher chance of attending college.
ReplyDeleteNanny can't replace a parent.
Miss Mannah and Boston Nanny: right on! You two definitely "get it!" bravo!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm with Bostonnanny and Miss Mannah. I choose to be a nanny (for a time) because I am good at it, and because I believe that these children should have good, caring people taking care of them since their parents choose not to do so full-time. My reasons also include financial ones. Gasp. Yes, I do consider my own needs, bills and responsibilities when choosing a job or a career path. In a few years I will no longer be a nanny. However, I will know that I did what I could to help provide a loving environment for kids who have no say in how they are raised, and I will have paid off some (hopefully all) of my student loans. I also will have gained experience working with kids one-on-one, which will be invaluable in my future career.
ReplyDeleteJMTCJN, I never thought about it, but it is true what you said. Lawyers and judges make a ton of money and a large proportion of it is due to people who break the laws of our country. Yet they (as well as all of us) have the right to speak out against crime. So why can't the same rules apply to nannys? We can be against a parent who chooses to work outside the home vs. caring for their baby even though our jobs do exist because of them.
ReplyDeleteI think both sides of this argument have gotten a little ridiculous. I completely understand a caregiver's frustration with absent and poor parenting. It is one of the difficult parts of nannying, especially as you care for your charges and see them gettting bad parenting.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I do think nannying is a poor choice for a profession if your view is as extreme as yours, Bostonnanny:
"So i'll reiterate again, Parents should make the sacrifice and raise their own children instead of hiring a nanny to do it for them."
If you are truly, morally, and in your heart opposed to work outside the home moms, then I can't understand how you can be a nanny. It's a poor choice to pick a job that represents and facilitates something you feel so passionately against.
For example, if I were adamantly opposed to wearing diamonds due to the exploitation and horrific human rights they perpetutate, I wouldn't work for De Beers - not in a retail store and not in management. To use the lawyer analogy, if I were actively campaigning in public policy against drug legalization or had a family member die from heroin overdose such that drug use became a personal and core issue for me, I absolutely would not become a criminal defense lawyer representing those who had committed drug-related crimes. Yes, people breaking the law employs police officers and some lawyers, but I would not make a conscious choice to assist those who had broken the drug laws.
My point being that I don't see how you can choose to a job every single day that helps perpetuate something you feel is morally reprehensible. Now, I don't think that is the case for most nannies on here. At least, from what I've read, most understand the need for two WOHPs at times and/or childcare in combination with loving parenting. I don't think nannies as a group are generally vehemently opposed to parents who use childcare - just parents who use childcare to the exclusion of actually parenting their kids.
But for nannies like Bostonnanny who simply believe parents should not work outside the home, period, nannying is probably not a great career choice. IMO working for a boss you have no respect for is bound to have an effect on your job performance. Just like parents should not hire nannies if they do not respect the incredibly important, difficult work they do; nannies should not care for children with WOHP if they do not respect the choices they make.
I myself have been in childcare for many years. I am a strong advocate for quality childcare. Families need quality childcare: all children deserve quality care, and this has nothing to do with how much their parents can afford. All children deserve the best care.
ReplyDeleteOver the years, I have seen many different types of parents: the good, the bad and the ugly. I have treated all of their children the same, regardless of their morals, parenting skills or lack thereof, or personality.
However, it is what it is. I am in childcare because I love kids, and because it is a noble profession. I don't believe we are perpetuating bad parenting: we are merely offering a service. There will always be a need for this service.
I have provided childcare for some doctors who I honestly believe wanted to be doctors to help people: they were wonderful people who worked long hours but took every spare opportunity to spend with their children. Their children were nice.
On the other hand, I have worked for doctors who did not seem to care for their children at all, and who, when they had a day off, would drop their infants, toddlers and pre-schoolers off at daycare while they themselves were dressed in their tennis whites. Their children were not always so nice.
I have worked for low income families who were the best parents in the world. I have also worked for low income families who have a supreme sense of entitlement and never say thank you at all.
At the end of the day, children are smarter than you think: they will realize some day if their parents care more about money than spending time with them.
I am low income. My child wears hand-me-down clothes from her cousins and eats generic brand everything. But she never lacks for attention. If she wants a book read to her, I read it. I am the one who is potty training her. I am the one who takes her to the library. When I grocery shop, she helps me pick out the apples.
Am I a perfect mom? Ha! Far from it. But I am with my child. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Four years before pre-school is not a long time. Make that sacrifice now while you can: it is the best advice we who are in childcare can give you. Don't look down on us because we make 10 bucks or less an hour: respect us because we care for your children. I think that is the biggest mistake some mothers make: they have a distorted perception of how they feel about childcare providers. When asked, they say, "Yes, they are wonderful." But deep down, they see childcare providers as beneath them.
We as childcare providers see the ins and outs of how your family runs. If we care for your child 10 plus hours a day, we know how much time you spend with them and how much time you do not.
Again, we provide a service. Sometimes we provide it to good parents.
And sometimes we provide it to not so good parents.
I used to be a nanny, the last job I had was sad, a 4 month old infant died in the 2nd nannys before me, care. I was caring for a infant and 5yr old.the story I was told was that the nanny left the infant on the bed and somehow the baby rolled into a comforter and suffacated! I know accidents happen but the parents will never truly know what happened! these parents are not hurting for money, the reside in a brand new home, have 3 cars and a condo. if I was in their shoes, I would have scaled down a bit and stayed home with my new baby but these parents just carried on! I dont get it!
ReplyDeleteNycmom, I don't think parents should not work outside the home period, I believe one of them should stay home for the first 5 years of their child's life. Either the father or mother switch off or the one who makes more money goes to work. the first 5 years is such a short period of time and its the most important in a child's development why wouldn't you want to make every possible sacrifice to be there for it? You can work when they are in school but you can't you can't make up for missed time.
ReplyDeleteBy the way I don't wear diamonds nor will i ever.They are meaningless rocks that people are being murdered over.
Thanks for clarifying your position, bostonnanny. I would simply change my advice to suggest not working for families with children under 5yo and two WOHP then.
ReplyDeletePerhaps I am mis-remembering, but I seem to recall you being very young - early 20's and no kids yet? I mention this only because there is one key thing I have learned from being a parent that I NEVER would have picked up when I worked as a nanny.
Kids need a parent home MORE when they are older. Much more. No comparison. An amazing caregiver can substitute for a parent during working hours for an infant and toddler. Good parents will still easily be able to bond with their kids and be connected to their life at this age with a nanny. However, once they hit 6 or 7yo, a parent really does ideally need to be closely connected to the kids' lives by being home afterschool and volunteering occasionally at the school. As kids get older, their lives change and become much more complicated. Little kids, little problems; Big kids, big problems. You *need* to be there to do homework if you really want a handle on how things are going academically. You need to be at school occasionally and readily available afterschool for conversations about puberty, peers, and social issues. Kids become reticent preteens and if you aren't around and connected you just won't hear about these things. I am not saying that parents who can't do this are bad parents - I try not to make sweeping generalizations when I don't know someone's situation. Just that it is much harder to be connected to your kids if both parents work long hours when the kids are schoolage. I had always assumed I would work full-time, but when my kids hit school age (and I also had #3), that's when I realized I needed to cutback. I did have to go back up to FT+ this past year for 6mths due to finances, and the difference in my older kids was noticable. Though my toddler was just fine and our relationship had no change.
I think it is a widespread misconception that being a SAHP during early years is the key period. Being connected to your kids at all ages is key! But being physically present becomes more important once your kids are older. I truly don't think anyone believes this til they go through it as a parent. I am lucky enough to have the luxury now of working part-time, but very few jobs allow ft hours 8am-3pm (school hours) so IMO one of the only ways to have the time older kids need is pt work.
small children cant speak for themselves so you have no idea what on unless you tape the nanny and spend countless hours reviewing them! it is easier caring for school age kids, no diapers and it is not as exhausting so yeah I guess it is a good deal for a lazy parent to stay home at that point.
ReplyDeleteTheresa..great job on your post. I am sure many families do see us nannies as "beneath them" since typically nanny work does not include any specialized degree or specialized training. But I believe in my heart that there is dignity in ALL WORK. Plain & Simple. Just as many nannies frown at parents who decide to work outside the home, it is also just as true that at the same time the parents are frowning on us as nannies. I once had a mother tell me, "How can you handle being a nanny? I mean...I love my own kids, but could never spend 8-9 hrs per day with anyone elses." Honest statement, I suppose.
ReplyDeleteNyc Mom..I disagree that the older children get, the more they need a parent at home. My own are all in college now (!) and I am so relieved. Sure, their physical needs were much greater in infancy and toddler hood, but I do not think the needs rose as they got older. Their needs just became more unique. They still live at home with me and believe it or not, they still have needs. For example, my youngest is pestering me every day when I am going to teach him how to drive. My oldest is sick and it is pouring down rain outside, yet he won't listen to me and still goes outside because he wants to see his GF today. *Sigh* Kids are kids..sure the needs are more physical at a young age, but as they enter the many life stages afterward, they will ALWAYS need their parents the same..not more or less..just in different ways.
nyc mom:
ReplyDeleteyou are incorrect. it is far more important to be home with your children when they are younger. Early Childhood is made up of the formative years.
Not to mention that your children are in school full time when they are older, and most likely have extra-curricular activities as well as jobs. (I had a job at 14, which is the way it should be. Sadly, too many parents coddle their children when they get older, spoiling them when they should be helping them to grow into young adulthood.)
You are simply incorrect.
The more I read these posts, I don't know why this site is called "I Saw Your Nanny". Originally it seemed this site was set up for parents with nannies to check and see if their nanny was spotted doing something good or bad with their kids- but it seems like it's mostly nannies on here bitching about their jobs, their charges and their employers. If there was ever a reason for a parent not to hire a nanny, it is in the responses to this original post. Not that the attitudes of the nannies here surprise me at all.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine how hard it is to have to go to work every day for a family that generates so much income that they can afford to pay YOU, as a nanny, a salary that supports your whole family. Plus they take expensive vacations, drive nice cars etc and their money seems to grow on trees, while you live paycheck to paycheck with money that comes from them. It is in your face, every day and I don't know how you couldn't resent it - and of course you try to save face and say you do it because you love children. But, like someone said above, you do it because you are thinking of yourself and your needs first. And this means you will take a job as a nanny even if you find it morally reprehensible. Yes, I get it. A nannying job is without a doubt the highest paying job one can get without a degree or even a HS diploma that isn't hard hard manual labor or dangerous like working in a meat packing plant or a coal mine.
I was so happy the day my youngest dc started school full time so I could let my nanny go. It had always been awkward for me for the reasons I described above-and I get that it was equally awkward for her. (and yes, she had plenty of notice, good reference from me,severance, PLUS she collected UI for 6 mos)
I see nannies from time to time on the weekends or at school drop off/pick up and they never look happy to see the kids or be with the kids. And I see that comatose stroller trained look on the faces of the younger siblings in the strollers. I'm sure these women feign smiles when their employers come home but they really aren't fooling anyone. Mine didn't fool me- I never for a minute thought that she loved my kids. I kept her because it was more convenient than daycare-- and at age 2 my kids each started preschool so it wasn't for that long a period that they were with her all day.
So I guess the bottom line is that I do agree that hiring a nanny is never as good as a parent staying home- because no stranger will ever truly love a child more than his/her parent. But sometimes you have to choose your 2nd, 3rd or 4th best option - and sometimes that is a nanny.
So, wait. Nannies can find meaning and/or personal satisfaction in their work, but others can't? Moms with nannies might work in education, mental health, medicine, advocacy, etc. They might feel capable of working full-time and also parenting their children. They might feel morally obliged to help others with their particular skill or training, rather than confine it within the walls of their own home.
ReplyDeleteIt seems especially odd to me to debate the issue of working moms who actually contribute something to society, when there is the much more egregious issue of supposed "SAHMs" who spend all their time shopping, lunching, and engaging in other leisure activities.
Theresa,
ReplyDeleteYou may disagree with me - which is fine - but to present your *opinion* as fact is, well, odd.
I have 3 kids, grew up with 3 siblings, and was raised with mom running a family daycare. If we are comparing histories, I would venture to say I've lived a life of more poverty and hardship than many. I was working at 11yo outside the home cleaning in addition to working in the family daycare whenever I was home since 7yo - so my opinions are not borne out of a privileged background. I'm also a psychiatrist trained in child development and work regularly with children and adolescents, (though that is not my area of speciality).
As I said in my earlier post, I don't believe you can even have a well-formed opinion on this issue until you have parented kids in both age groups. In your earlier post you refer to having one child who you are potty training which, if anything, further supports the point I have been making. It's the same as a first time mom who believes every single positive attribute (good sleeper, good eater, no temper tantrums, etc) is due solely to their sound parenting. Then you have a second child with the opposite tendencies whom you have parented the same, and you realize your limitations!
Although I am sure there are parents of older children who disagree that kids roughly 6yo-teens need a parent home during afterschool hours more than an infant/toddler needs a parent who doesn't work, I don't personally know any. Even though JMTCJN states she believes her childrens' needs have changed over time, she does not state their needs are lesser. "Kids are kids..sure the needs are more physical at a young age, but as they enter the many life stages afterward, they will ALWAYS need their parents the same..not more or less..just in different ways." Her children are older than mine and she offers another perspective to support that the older years are no less important for parenting. Do you assume that is because she has failed due to "coddling" her children since they still live at home and need her in many ways?
Again, you are entitled to your opinion. But it is simply ludicrous to act is if there is a factually correct answer to the issue. Even though I have disagreed with bostonnanny earlier, I have not been so presumptuous as to say she is factually *wrong.* It's simply a difference of opinion on a complicated issue, for which there is no right/wrong and even "best" is likely to vary dramatically between families. You discredit yourself by being polemical on an issue that clearly lacks empirical research to define it as "fact." Hubris has rarely served anyone well.
a mom,
ReplyDeleteI tried to think of a way best to describe my thoughts on your post. A way to be tactful, polite. But I just can't find the words. Wait, yes I can, you're a bitch.
And I'm not even a nanny.
nycmom..the reason my children still live at home with me is because they are both 18 & 19 yrs old. My oldest lives on her own, but my youngest live at home with me. I do not think just because you have an 18 & a 19 yr old living at home means your children were coddled. They are living at home because living in a dorm or off campus apt. w/room mates is not a financial option now. The college tuition is very expensive and it is much cheaper for them to live at home.
ReplyDeleteTo a mom: that is mean that you knew your nanny wasn't happy being around your children, but you kept her on because it was "convenient" for you. Shame on you for putting your needs first. How could you go to work each day knowing your children were getting sub-par childcare? Your poor children.
I think it is pretty obvious the older a child (person in general gets), the more independent they become. Older children have less needs..that is why daycares charge less for an older child. + Older children tend to separate from their parents and assert their independence as well.
I feel the need to clarify my position, as some of my words have been taken out of context, and as this debate has become more and more heated and extreme.
ReplyDeleteI do not find it "morally reprehensible" that a mother would work outside the home, during any stage of her children's lives. I also did not say that finances were my only consideration when taking a nanny post, just one of many. I most definitely did not say that I dislike either my employers or my charges.
I do believe it is best for a mother (or father) to stay home with the children, given that all other factors are in order. For example, if both parents need to work for financial reasons, or if the parents truly need to work in order to feel fulfilled, etc. The fact that I believe one thing is best does not indicate that I find anything less to be "morally reprehensible". I also realize that nobody is perfect. So while I may not agree with someone's decision to work instead of staying home, they may not agree with any given decision of mine, either.
Of course finances are a consideration in any job situation. If being a nanny will help my finances more than working in the related field of daycare, then that is one completely valid check on the "pro" side of my "pros and cons" list. I also believe that a good nanny is better for a child than a good daycare, which is another check on the "pro" side. These are not the only considerations, nor does my previous post contain a complete list, simply a few examples.
Most importantly, I have a wonderful relationship with my employers and my charges. I do not resent my employers in any way. They are wonderful people from whom I have learned many things, and who have helped me in more ways than just a paycheck. My charges are awesome! And yes, I am happy to see them when I pick them up from school, and they always get hugs from me when I pick them up. I have been privileged to be able to help them as they grow and learn and develop their great personalities. I am especially close to the youngest, who I helped learn to walk, talk, use the potty, know the alphabet, write his name, etc. etc. etc.
There is a middle ground. I think it is getting lost in this discussion.
can some of the moms tell us what you get out of having kids and a stranger raising them? you dont do anything a mom is supposed to do a nanny is doing it for you it just seems unnatural. how do you bond with your kids when you dont nurture them? Oh its the expensive vacations that make up for it! so sad when these kids get older they will have memories of a nanny caring for them not a proper mother
ReplyDeleteanother mom said,
ReplyDeleteI don't believe that you aren't a nanny. I'm a bitch? Why exactly? Because what I posted was 100% true? Every single nanny on here has stated that a nanny is NOT a good option for kids over a parent.
Monkeyshines doesn't get why someone would hire a nanny, neither does momma mia, bostonnanny and several others. We all agree on that. A nanny is the best choice for a parent who can afford a nanny and doesn't want the day to day drudgery of dealing with their kids - they just want to swoop in for the fun. A nanny is a paid household servant - this 'part of the family' and 'I love the kids' is BS EXCEPT in VERY VERY rare cases. I'm sorry if the truth hurts, but let's not kid ourselves.
Believe what you want, I'm not a nanny. But I have employed one in the past when I needed an extra set of hands when I was sick with cancer, so I know what goes into finding a good one.
ReplyDeleteBut to answer your question: why are you a bitch? Well, for one you are disrespectful. Household servant? That pretty much says it all! Are you serious? Do you have any idea the time and money and education that one puts into being a real nanny? Maybe your problem is you were one of those cheap-ass parents that tried to get out of hiring a real nanny and got stuck with one of those park bench nannies and that is why you are so resentful towards them. Or, maybe I'm wrong and you got your hands on a really good one that your kids came to know and love better than you? Because you care more about your career and the kids only saw you in passing and began to think of your nanny as their mommy. And why not? You don't exactly come across as the sweet, lovable, nurturing type.
NYCMom, This post is getting really long and i was tired when i posted my previous comment.
ReplyDeleteSo i'll explain myself a little better. I am 24 but don't use my age against me because I raised my brothers and am hoping to get custody of my 8 yr old brother who has aspergers, once I can quit my job. My second youngest lives with me and he works plus he's pursing college. I may not have pushed them out of my vagina but I am the one who took them to doctors appointments and made them dinner, put them to bed, helped with homework while I myself went to hs and worked part time. So my strong feeling towards families actually raising their own children are for a reason. I have seen what it does to children, not just from my family but from being a nanny. All the toys and vacations in the world won't replace the time you missed. And whether you see it or not it affects your children.
just because your toddler doesn't seen to mind being with a nanny doesn't mean they are not affected by your absence. My charge waves bye to his mom everyday and enjoys his time with me but every single day he asks where is mommy? where is daddy? because no matter what he rather be with them.
Parents need to stay involved throughout their children's life. But once they have to go to school full time you can still go back to work. I agree with you 100% in regards to staying connected with your older children and being actively involved in their education and their social lives because they are easily influenced.
Parents should be the soul caregivers from birth to teen/adult. But there are times where your child is in school and after school activities in which you can work. Sure you may have to do part time for awhile until your children can work and drive themselves but thats the sacrifice you make. Your children are reflections of your parenting. The morals and lessons you teach to them will likely stay with them. I value all the people who work jobs that benefit society but your main job should be raising a child who will be a positive member of society.
The first 5 years are the most important, that is when children learn the basics and as they get older they test them. Your job is to teach them your values at that early age and reinforce them as they get older. Why would you want someone else to teach them different values or none at all.
JMTCJN:
ReplyDeleteYou misunderstood my post. I was being sarcastic. I agree with you that your older children continue to need you. I do not think your kids are coddled because they still live with you. My point was that it sounds like you are an experienced mom doing a good job - specifically in response to the prior comment by Theresa that your children should no longer need your assistance as much as they get older because:
"your children are in school full time when they are older, and most likely have extra-curricular activities as well as jobs. (I had a job at 14, which is the way it should be. Sadly, too many parents coddle their children when they get older, spoiling them when they should be helping them to grow into young adulthood.)"
Bostonnanny:
I think we can agree to disagree. Sounds like you are making the best choices for your family. I am confident I am making the best choices for mine.
Boston Nanny, you are wasting your words, these moms just dont get it! I know you have a strong sense of family, something these working moms will never get it! I couldnt imagine in my worst nightmare leaving my baby with a stranger and just hoping for the best! my child would be a stranger to me! I think working moms dont realize what they are misssing when they choose to work so they have a wall up and the can never truly relate to their children how could they?
ReplyDeleteFYI: I am "another mom" at Nov 18, 2010 12:48:00 PM.
ReplyDeleteThat is the only post I posted on this thread.
The other "another mom" is not me!
just fyi!
:)
Nycmom, i agree to disagree and I wish your family well.
ReplyDeleteMonkeyshines, yes I fully understand that they will never agree with me but I got my point across. They can't miss what they never knew and that saddens me.
A mom, your exactly the kind of person I think is beneath me. It doesn't matter how much money you make or what things you have. Anyone can have money and nice things if they work hard and want it badly enough. It's about how you affect the people around you. Maybe it was good that you had a nanny to care for your children because you are an unhappy, angry person with no respect for others. It's sad you had children who will suffer from your lack of love but I guess you have the money to put them in therapy.
"It's about how you affect the people around you. Maybe it was good that you had a nanny to care for your children because you are an unhappy, angry person with no respect for others. It's sad you had children who will suffer from your lack of love but I guess you have the money to put them in therapy."
ReplyDeleteDamn, I think bostonnanny just pwned you!
boston nanny and another mom,
ReplyDeleteI guess you have me pegged. I'm a cold hearted bitch. All I know is those 2 years each of my children "suffered at the hands of my horrific nanny" enabled me to get to the place where I am in my profession now.
By the way, I disrespected my nanny so much that I paid $600/wk 10 yrs ago for 45 hrs a week, on the books- all taxes paid by us-plus monthly metrocard, 2 grand a year in bonuses, 4 wks paid vacay and 1 wk sick time PLUS she brought her step DD to work with her every day for 2 of the 4 years she worked for me.
So here I am now, at a place where I work from home 2 days a week, am able to see my kids off to school every morning and am home by 4:30 to help them with their homework. I can take long lunches at my job to go see them in their plays, volunteer in their classrooms, help on field trips. My kids get top grades in school and have lots of friends. And you know what? Neither of my kids even remember the nanny, even when I show them pictures of them sitting lovingly on her lap. I never thought my nanny was 'beneath me'. I just didn't like the fact that it was my only option given my long term goals for our family. Believe it or not, it tore me up to leave them to go to work every day when they were young. I raced home every night to be home by 5:20 - to eat dinner, bathe and put them to bed. Why? I knew it would pay off in the long run and it did. I'm sorry if our family likes to live a lifestyle that you don't agree with. We like having 2 incomes and the extras that provides. We like that we have money saved in the bank for our kids to go to college, that we have no debt and that I am setting an example for my dd that women can have successful careers just like men. If this makes me a cold heartless bitch, I'm guilty as charged.
A mom
ReplyDeletelet's be honest here, did those 4 years really make that much of impact on your career or could you be in the same place that are you are in now, 4 yrs from now? Wouldnt you rather have been their for the those first four years of your daughters lives? Where you seriously that desperate for money that you need pay 32,000 a year on a nanny 10 years ago when the cost of living was cheaper, so you could work?
Or was it for your own personal needs that you worked?
You obviously feel guilty now for not being there for your girls and your trying to justify it by saying your out of debt and have money saved for college. But I'm pretty sure you could be in the same position you are now in 2010 just a
little later like 2014.
You could be laid off tomo, then what? Would you think it was worth missing your children's first few years?
Sorry "mom", but I have to agree with bostonnanny. And why all of a sudden now are you being a braggart? It seems to me if what you say is true you would have proclaimed it several posts back, just to prove your point to these "horrific nannies" that your career was important enough then that it afforded you the luxury of being home for your kids now.
ReplyDeleteI say you are lying.
Oh..thank you for the clarification nycmom..and I appreciate the compliment! :)
ReplyDeleteTo a mom..you just now admitted that caring for a child is "day to day drudgery." How horrible. The more I hear from you, the more I wish I could take your children away from you. Childcare is not Disneyland..no one ever said it was..and yes..it can be isolating and boring at times..but my gosh...I am sure you knew of this before you had kids and if you didn't...too bad! Having kids is not like buying a dress at Sears..you cannot take it back once you changed your mind for God's sake!
And nannies are not "servants"...would you call your waitress at Denny's your servant? Or your Dr.? Of course not, then you must extend the same respect to nannies!
I must agree with you on one point however, it is true. The whole "our nanny if part of the family" thing is pure bull. Anytime money is involved, the dynamics of a relationship is changed and a nanny/parent relationship can never be "family" since the mutual respect is partly based on $$ and is not unconditional as it is in a family. I cringe each time I hear that phrase.
By the way guys...uh..what was the original topic here again??! LOL.
ReplyDeleteto "a mom"
ReplyDeleteyou really dug yourself a hole on this one.
I think we would have more respect for you if you were honest. You want to hold tight to the philosophy that a woman can "have it all" yet you are bent on justifying your position as a mother. Just admit that your career was more important than the infant/toddler years. As one other poster said, how much of a difference did it really make to work those extra couple of years? Not a whole lot in the grand scheme of your career, but as far as your kids are concerned, you can never ever ever get those years back.
What you paid your nanny, how much money you have in the bank, how many friends your children have (as if it is a great value to teach young girls that they need to have a lot of friends to be happy) and how many hours you DON'T work now is neither here nor there.
You missed out. The boat left without you. The fact that the children don't even remember the nanny makes me sad. Why don't they? I remember being with my mother when I was two, three and four.
Enjoy your wealth and prosperity. I'm going to go and make Christmas tree ornaments now with my four year old out of yarn and walnuts.
:)
I'm going to say one last thing and then I'll stop and you are all free to call me names afterwords. I don't want those first two years back of my kids' lives. My husband worked 7 days a week back then, so I had my kids pretty much alone on weekends. Also my husband came home from work around 10 pm during the week in those days so I fed, bathed, made/gave dinner all by myself M-F. If I had quit my job and stayed home with them I would have been alone with kids almost 24 hrs/7 days a week. My kids spent about 30 waking hrs a week with the nanny and 49 waking hrs a week with me. (I'm not counting the sleeping because that would mean even more hours with me). Who are any of you to judge me? None of you are with children 24 hours a day/7 days a week. That would drive a person insane.
ReplyDeleteMy other option would have been not to work but to have a nanny and be sahm. That would have been worse, no? We could have afforded a nanny so I could go to the gym, lunch and get my nails done. But I figured, if I were going to do that, I might as well just keep my job.
My kids don't remember the nanny because I am their mother and they spent more time with me, even then. The don't remember the preschool they attended then either.
Enjoy your christmas ornament making party. I just baked cookies with my dds yesterday. We had a blast.
A mom,
ReplyDeleteAll you had to do was admit the truth and we could have ended this long convo awhile ago. You trying to cover everything up with excuse after excuse was ridiculous and then to sarcastically degrade nannies for doing a job you didn't want to do was low and unnecessary. I never called you a name I just told you how i thought you came across.
I do think you have some resentment towards your nanny for doing something you couldn't and for your husband for not being there. I hope you overcome this and enjoy your daughters.
None of you are with children 24 hours a day/7 days a week. That would drive a person insane.
ReplyDeleteThis is what mom does! and how horrific does a nanny have to be before you fire her?
1. I am a SAHM, by choice, and happy with it.
ReplyDelete2. It is possible to be a great mom and work outside the home. It's hard. Being a great mom is hard. Being a great mom AND anything else is hard.
3. Not everyone is equally good at being a parent. Some people suck at it. At least if they recognize that and hire a good nanny, they are doing a better job than if they were in denial. It doesn't mean they don't love their kids.
4. After decades of telling everyone that they can have everything, whether or not they can afford it or have earned it, why is anyone surprised that no one wants to choose parenthood OR a career? Being a SAHM (or ANY mom) involves sacrifices. Sacrifices suck. No one wants to make sacrifices. They have terrible PR.
5. It's almost Thanksgiving. How nice for all of you that you have such secure lives you have the luxury of debating the morality of employing a nanny.
To a mom..in spite of us not agreeing on anything you have said, us posters do respect you at least for telling the truth. I think there are many mothers out there who would absolutely die if they had to stay home with their kids 24/7. They use excuses such as, "but I have to work..I wish I didn't..but I HAVE to..." I wish more parents would be honest and just admit, "Having a child is tedious work to me, it's isolating, and emotionally and physically exhausting work..day after day.., and truthfully, I love getting out of the house..even if it is to go to work!!!" At least they would have more respect. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, it is very rewarding..but let me tell you it was and still is very hard work. All parents have days when they dream about the days before they even had children...or even imagine how their lives would be today had they never had kids at all..but it is not socially acceptable to admit you think this way..and definitely not accepted if you verbalize it.
ReplyDeleteSingle mom who is a childcare provider here:
ReplyDeleteYES I AM WITH CHILDREN 24/7!! lol
And I'm not insane!
24/7 Mom...I am glad that you still have your sanity, but I think when people state that they are "insane" they do not mean it in the literal sense. LOL. But I am sure you do have some insane moments in your day. Ha!
ReplyDelete