Sunday was a little shorter, and once Sunday came around, I was back in "adult mode", and going back into my routine of working twelve days on between two jobs and two days off. A had a meltdown about something, and when she has these moments, I ignore her by telling her in a calm voice she needs to use words, because I cannot understand her when she cries. I go on about the morning, clearing breakfast dishes, sorting clothes, playing with P, etc. while she melts down. Sometimes she tries to kick or slap me, not because she is a mean child, but because she, as a preschooler, wants to test the limits. When she does this, I give her three warnings before putting her in her "spot", followed by the timer for 2:45 minutes. I still ignore her, and when she is done we discuss why she was upset and and the nice way to handle things. This works with her and everything is cool. She is a sweet, funny, charming child whom I love with all my heart.
I don't know what caused the meltdown. She kicked me, and I placed her in her spot, where she was screaming because she knew she made a bad choice. The next thing I know, P is having a meltdown as well, for what, I don't know. I'm keeping an eye on him so he doesn't fall and hurt himself, and while he is screaming, he's asking for a nuk. It's a guess where he learned to ask for a nuk during a temper tantrum, isn't it? I ignore him too, as I think the meltdown started largely because A started one. I have never had a toddler ask for nuk during a temper tantrum.
After a few minutes, everything was calm. We went outside, explored snow and ice and had fun. We ate lunch, took a nap and nobody had anymore meltdowns. I mentioned something to DB about his meltdown and I mentioned that he asked for a nuk during that time. DB tells me they give him a nuk to calm him down when he's upset. They are a sweet couple, yet sometimes I think they need to rethink their parenting.
When baby comes in July, A will be 3 years and 4 months, and P will be 2. Will nuks be given as a soothing calming during meltdowns and nap? I feel as though by giving a nuk on demand to calm down, nothing is being learned, such as self-soothing or regulation.
Personally, I want to throw the nuks out. I have to remember they are not my kids, yet I have free run of house when I am there. I'm considering stopping use of the nuk during nap for P, just to see what happens, because my feeling is that once baby comes, it will be harder for him to give up the nuk.
If nuks are given out for comfort, nannies should get naps, lovies and chocolate in their work agreements.
Our lives as nannies....but we love it.
While I wouldn't go so far as tossing the pacifiers (though believe me, I've had the urge), I agree that you shouldn't feel like you have to give the younger one a pacifier if he screams for one during a tantrum. Pacifiers are great for infants, but after about 1 year, children should be developing other self-calming techniques. It's also an immature sucking pattern for older children, who need to be developing other oral-motor skills in order to progress language, etc (I hate sippy cups for the same reason). The AAP recommends weaning off of pacifiers after 1 year. While I understand that for some children with developmental disabilities, there may be an indication for longer use, but for a typically developing 2 year old, the pacifier should be GONE. I definitely would not give the child the pacifier at all during the day, and your miles may vary on trying not to use it during nap time.
ReplyDeleteWith regard to the older child expressing frustration by kicking, hitting, etc - this behavior should be considered unacceptable from the first time it happens. I would not give the child "3 warnings" for physical aggression; those are automatic time-outs or temporary removal from the situation or of a preferred object. While some children, especially young toddlers revert to physical means when they do not have the language to express themselves, she is almost 4, correct? She needs to learn not to hit. Don't make excuses for her behavior for "testing boundaries". It's not okay for her to do that to you, or anyone.
My motto is you hit you sit. Anything physical should be automatic time out.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever heard of the binky fairy? You have the child collect binkies and put them into a bag. You explain that binkies are for babies and child is a big kid. You and child hang it up where the binky fairy will find it. The binky fairy leaves a big kid gift in its place.
Parents are cool with their 18 month old watching 3 tv episodes or a full movie? AAP still says no screen time before 2. I know some families allow a little but a full movie seems a lot at that age....
ReplyDeleteNess
Judgemental much? Parents give a <2 year old a nuky and they need to "rethink their parenting?" Sheesh...
ReplyDeleteI don't see it as that big of a deal. As a nanny (also with "free run of the house" to manage the kiddos as I please) I have a different set of "rules" than MB and DB. Kids know it (and have no issues), MB and DB know it, and it works for everyone. (One example of this is that I don't let the "lovies" out of their bed - lovies are for naptime. The kids cope fine. When MB and DB are there they let them carry them around the house with them all day. Doesn't matter what to me what they do - they're their kids! - even though it would drive me nutty if they did that on my "watch"). Just because people do things differently doesn't mean they're always right or wrong.
Hitting (as well as pushing, biting,whacking, etc) is also an automatic time - out at our house, no warnings given. Anything that causes harm to another is unacceptable. This has been the rule since the kids were less than 2 and it's worked great!
And I don't need naps, chocolate, or lovies for comfort... unlike my charges, I am not a small child÷ ;)
Taleia:
ReplyDeletePart of the post was sarcasm with a pinch of obtaining others thoughts about giving a nuk for a meltdown for a toddler along with a dash in the Day of the Life. Think about it.....
Well, there ya have it then. Don't tolerate hitting. If you don't want to give the kid a nuk during a meltdown, don't. Put on your big - kid pants and deal with it. Think about it...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry OP but I would let you go for letting my kids watch that much TV. It sounds like that's a regular rotation. Not ok. Instead of chocolates and a nap why don't you do your job and engage those kids you are trusted to care for? Can't go outside? Fine! Do an art project or take them to a indoor play space or to a friends house. Don't park them in front thebtv and then have the nerve to judge the parents for giving them a paci.
ReplyDeleteI agree with other posters....its their child, on your time if the parents are okay with him not having his paci doing naps go for it. Always always seek parents permission being doing something that invovles their children.. Yes we may have free reign when on the clock but oh how quickly a parent will let us go for making decisions for them..
ReplyDeleteAs far as the naps,lovies and chocolate.... I get naps and chocolate so I'm good lol. I absolutely love my NF. But we have set boundaries and most importantly we work together.
I will respectfully disagree with the above poster that you should ask before not using the paci as a reward for a tantrum. It's not like it's a disciplinary method, it's a bad choice of a response to a negative behavior; the kid whined, parents gave him the paci to keep him quiet and then he learned that he can whine and get the paci, a behavior that the parents have reinforced by continually giving in. Plenty of parents do things like that, that a good nanny would never do, and I don't believe it requires permission. With my last family, the kids would always ask to watch TV while I made lunch (a task which did not take the length of a show) because that's how their mother had always dealt with it. I continually said "no" and so they stopped asking and learned to play quietly while I fixed and set up lunch. I never asked permission NOT to pop them in front of the TV because that seemed unbelievable silly.
ReplyDeleteThe larger issue of weaning off the paci during sleep is another story - unfortunately, that falls into the land of asking the parents, and frankly, many parents resist doing so for too long because of the annoying, yet temporary behaviors it may cause (whining, crying, etc), and they simply don't want to deal with the aftermath.
Reread my post again. And keep reading it until you figure it out.
ReplyDelete1. I do not allow them in front of the tv all day. The position is weekends only, not full time. We have a half hour of tv when I first arrive, then it goes off. They are Direct customers, so I turn on the music stations-we have the disco station on and a dance party, or classic jazz, or classical. I may turn on the tv while making lunch or after lunch/before nap, or after nap while making dinner. Yes, we do projects, science experiments, and read books, plus play. I keep them busy, and set limits. Did I say I let them watch TV all day? I was referencing to the three shows and movie they like.
2. I do not have car seats, so obviously I cannot take them anywhere, or I would. I've been there seven months, and so far only took them to the apple orchard. Personally, I feel that driving is a comfort level per parent, and a huge trust issue, which explains why I don't take them out a lot. Each parent is different, and of course trust needs to be built between us, which is why I'm not comfortable asking so soon.
3. The naps and chocolate thing was a joke.
4. If the position was full time, I would have more activities planned, obviously.
Thanks so much for some of you giving your polite thoughts. Thanks!
Two hours of TV for an 18mo old and a 2yr old? Yeah, no. If have a meltdown too if my nanny parked me in front of the TV instead of playing with me.
ReplyDeleteAny type of violence is an immediate time-out, no warnings. Start transitioning by doing 2 warnings instead of 3, then only 1, then zero tolerance.
Regarding the Nuk, just have different rules for when you're there. No Nuks outside of bed, and you can also work on that if you wish. Kids are very adaptable to having different rules with parents vs caregiver.
Marnie:
ReplyDeleteAgain, READ r-e-a-d the post again.
One, 30 minute tv show in the morning when I arrive. TV goes onto music channels. I may turn on the tv at 1130. Or 1230. Or 430. This means I may or may not turn it on. Sometimes I do not turn it on at these times. The rest of the time we are playing, doing arts and crafts, reading books or outside. Where are you getting two hours of tv time per day?
Learn to read a post before you make a comment.
AAP says NO SCREEN TIME before 2. Not 30 minutes per day...none. My only question was: are the parents cool with the TV? I would not have been when my kids were under 2 but if they are.... I guess you do what they suggest.
ReplyDeleteNess
OP: I did r-e-a-d your post. You list four 30 minute TV shows in a way that implies you watched all 4 of them instead of a movie (which would also be 1-2 hours) that day. Only in your defensive response do you specify it's actually only "one 30 minute TV show in the morning." Perhaps you should learn how to write. You can't expect people who only have the original information you provide to be mind readers.
ReplyDeleteMarnie:
ReplyDeleteI write how I write, which happened to be complimented by my English teachers in college and several other teachers. Not to mention I got an A in English 201, AB in Creative Writing. When I wrote my original post, I was speaking of four favorite things they like to watch.
I'm so tired of the tarty snotty comments on this blog. It's like you can't post anything without being attacked, and that's sad.
Your English teachers failed you significantly if they graded your writing at anything higher than a D. You would be fired without reference if you put my kids in front of the TV! And you have the unmitigated gall to judge them for using a Paci? Ridiculous! Even part-time/weekend nannies have to plan activities/teach crafts/engage my kids. You're in the wrong profession, OP.
DeleteOP - I was going to jump in but you are handling the negative element extremely well. Your writing is very creative and well taken - thank you for the post
ReplyDeleteSo one more time: do the parents allow the 18 month old to watch TV? Ir is that your decision?
ReplyDeleteI'm not trying to be rude...trying to clarify my understanding.
Ness
Clearly, many of us who read the original post did not understand the meaning behind the actual words that were written, because not enough context was given to support the OP's original intent. The way it was phrased, it seemed as though she let them watch multiple shows in a row AND that this was a common occurrence. This is what many of us took away from the post, so there was clearly a disconnect in how the information was presented. So, I do not think it makes any of us "tarty" or "snotty" to comment that, with our understanding that these children were seemingly allowed to watch 2 hours of TV, it's too much screen time for children that young. On a blog about and for nannies, you are going to have readers who are educated in child development, and who are going to comment as such. It's not "negative" to provide someone with constructive criticism, i.e. reiterating the AAP guidelines, or suggesting that there may be other more developmentally appropriate ways to handle various situations. Most of us here have good intentions and simply want to help. If the OP truly does not allow that much screen time, then great, though with an under-2 year old in her care, there really should be NO exposure to screens, which should still be reiterated because it constitutes best practices.
ReplyDeleteOTNanny- exactly! Disagreeing with someone or pointing out a better way (or, in my opinion, calling out crap haha) is not tarty or snotty. If you were to clarify immediately instead of insisting that MULTIPLE PEOPLE were misreading the original post, you wouldn't need to get so defensive.
ReplyDeleteIn all fairness, my charges watched screens before 2. Their parents were fine with it and while it was never a part of our routine (I can think of three specific times I played a movie or show) I did let them several times. It wasn't the end of the world. Now that they're over 2 jt still isn't part of our routine - on the rare occasion that I work a Friday evening, We Have movie night, and pop popcorn and watch together as a family before bed. otherwise we might watch the show as a special treat once or twice a month.
Anon:
ReplyDeleteYes, they are cool with TV, which surprised me when I first started. At the time, A had just turned 2, and P was 11 months. I thought it was kind of strange and I know the AAP guidelines, which is why I set limits right away. It doesn't serve as a good conversation tool, nor does it really teach anything. I did a paper regarding tv habits and effects of cognitive, physical and social development, which got me an A. My teacher, who is a parent, agreed with my viewpoints and loved the project, plus presentation. I've found that many lower income families use tv as both a teaching and entertainment tool, as some of those families many not have the resources for extra, enriching activities.
The rest of you can keep the negativity coming, becuase I could care less what any of you think about me.
You mean you *couldnt* care less.
DeleteOP you should calm down you wrote
ReplyDelete"first time in six months that we didn't watch "Frozen" (my voice teacher says my cover of "Let It Go" isn't that bad, just not belted and sung lightly). Of course there was our three: Peppa, Paw Patrol and Bubble Guppies, plus Family Feud which the kids like.
THERE WAS our favorite three...implying you then watched their 3 favor shows in a row in place of frozen.
You did not say besides frozen they love xyz or instead we choose one of their favorite shows to watch...
You hopefully can see how this was confusing to readers? No need to be defensive. You could have clarified in a much better way.
Oh and you're an adult right? Please stop referencing sophomore college classes. It doesn't make you look good. And besides....your grammer was off. Just own it and explain yourself if you feel misunderstood.
Leigh- we aren't children and OP is an adult who choose to asknfor input on a public forum. Why would you need to jump in? Aren't the best discussions those in which every one has their own opinion and a different opinion at that? If posters just want someone to agree or yes them to death maybe put it in your post. That way those of us offering sound advice and input won't waste our time.
ReplyDeleteprevious poster - your point is well taken. But ( I know you knew there was a 'but' coming) - there comes a point where advice becomes - something else -flaming? bullying? nit-picking? taking out frustration? harshness? But - this is a regular poster and she looks to be capable of handling it if that is the case - carry on!
ReplyDelete