I'm a nanny of three kids and I love my job. I watch a five year a two year old and a newborn (one month). I've been here for a year and the job is excellent, the issue I've been having is with the five year old. The child is cruel plain and simple and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like he lacks empathy and at five years old he should have this by now. He will hit, push, shove and bite his siblings, his parents and me. He just doesn't care at all if someone gets hurt. He has shoved his finger in his brothers eye, he has pushed him hard on the concrete, he has run up to me and slapped me in the face. I've always made him go to time out, or to his room (there are no toys in there only books) so he can calm down. When he gets in trouble for these things he screams and cries only because HE is in trouble. I also have a star chart for good behavior and use that as rewards which sometimes works but not all the time. He does not care at all that he has hurt someone. There is no violence in his house, his parents are very loving and we are all at our wits end. He is bossy and mean, constantly telling us he hates us and wants us to go to heaven. That he wants all of us to go "home". If he doesn't get his way he hurts someone and screams at the top of his lungs. I firmly believe in not spanking a child but I don't know what else to do. I want to try and bring up getting him into some therapy but I don't know how to exactly say that to the parents... He hasn't hurt the baby yet but he is always in his face trying to poke him and always way too rough. I just don't know what to do anymore, help! I love this job and I love the kids I just don't like this child as hard as that is to say.
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Times out-Not in room. That is where they sleep and play.
ReplyDeleteStep 1- find a spot in your house- spot on floor, step.
Step 2- it he hits he sits- thats automatic. Anything else- he gets a warning- if you do again- you get time out.. He does it again- he sits for how old he is- 5 years=5 minute time out. When u sit him down- explain why he is there.
Step 3 when time us over- explain again and have him apologize. If he doesn't- he stays in time out. If he escapes before time is up- no talkin- just put him back.
Step 4- hugs and kisses
This won't work over night- you must stick with it and be the boss. But if u do l; will be much better
I agree with what's said above. It's key that not only you are consistent, but the parents are consistent too!
ReplyDeleteWith any behavior, you want to try to determine what the antecedent was - in every instance, what happened right before the behavior? From a bigger picture, how long have these behaviors been going on - since you started working for them, or was there a change or stressor after which these behaviors increased? Clearly, his behaviors are inexcusable and ultimately, he may need professional intervention, but situations like this always leave me wondering about what the child's family life is like. You say the parents are "loving", but are they overly permissive and loosey goosey? Kids crave structure and clear expectations, despite all of this "never say no" nonsense that many of my peers who are parent like to spout (and as such are all raising uncontrollable little monsters), and it IS possible to be authoritative and have your charges both respect AND like you, without being authoritarian.
ReplyDeleteStar charts and token economies only work if there is a tangible reward; filling up a star chart for its own sake is not rewarding enough for a child. If you are going to use a token system, work on earning smaller amounts for real rewards such as 5 minutes of a preferred activity (try to limit screen time as a reward though, since he's only 5). And make sure the tokens can be earned AND lost - you can't take stickers off a chart, but you can take chips out of a jar. Earning and losing tokens needs to be tied to positive and negative behavior - i.e., he gets a token for following a direction that you give him but loses one for sassing you. And before anyone jumps on me, I'm not saying that you SHOULD use a token system, but if you want to continue to try it, try it with these modifications. They do work for many kids, especially those with behavioral/emotional challenges.
As others have said, consistency is key. Don't lose your cool, but do not give in, no matter how much he tantrums. If he becomes violent, he should be immediately removed from the situation or activity, no questions asked. Kicking, biting, hitting, etc, in my book are an automatic time-out/loss of a privilege. And finally, I would begin to document any violence or threats toward you or his siblings; if he causes any injuries, take photos (to cover your own butt), and alert his parents ASAP. Some parents try to remain blissfully ignorant about a child with serious issues like this, which is going to do more harm than good down the road.
Sounds like a trip to the doctor is in order. i worked for a family where their oldest would act the same way. He was taken to the doctor everything was explained and they discovered he has autism. He then was put into therapy and parents given tools to help him.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry but shouldn't this be his parents worry?shouldn't his parents step up and do something.I have 4 kids now and tryed to say something to his mom about something all they did was get offended .Let me mention I have been here for 7 years ! We're just the help I hate my job now. The only time I did enjoy being a nanny was when it was 1child at a time.Did I mention I didn't get a raise but have more responsibility. These people act like they care but they don't they just care about there's.
ReplyDeleteYou are just the help.Its human nature. All they want to here is there children are perfect and you will be in in the am.
ReplyDeleteHate to say but I agree. Most parents are going to get offended. Most will listen to their mom friends, a family member or a doctor. Before ever acknowledging your concerns. This is the hard truth.
ReplyDeleteHi there!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to read that you are having a hard time! i know it gets very stressful and sometimes you just feel at the end of your wits. As someone who is currently a nanny to 4 children all between the ages of 3 and 12 and also a preschool teacher, i know that sibling conflict is a hard one to resolve.
You said that the boy is 5 years old and does not seem to show any empathy towards anyone. You must remember that he is 5 years old. Just like reading, writing and riding a bike; Empathy is a skill that needs to be taught and the best teachers for that are the parents, and of course the Nanny if he or she is around often enough. Some children struggle with empathy, and it is not because they are troubled or at risk children, it is because empathy really is a strong emotion. When you break it down - empathy is taking on and understanding someone else pain, sadness or grief as your own to make them feel more comfortable and cared for. Some, actually a lot of 5 year old children do not know how to deal with situations like this and the emotions of the other child makes them feel VERY uncomfortable. Being only 5 years old and knowing how to communicate your emotions properly, the boy is going to lash out and hit, bite, push or maybe even start crying himself at the confusion.
I think you and the parents need to sit down and have a talk about how you can help the child yourselves. Therapy is a very drastic and life altering decision to make - for both the family and the child as an individual. Once you bring someone else into the problem, it becomes easier to expect all problems to be solved by this third party, and also the blame is very quickly turned onto the professional for not fixing the problem, when really the problem lies at home and with the nurturing and teaching from the parents and caregiver. I am in no way saying that this is you or the parents fault.
In my opinion, you need to come up with a strategy that does not involve the child being reprimanded or punished for displaying his emotions in a negative way - this may be the only way he knows how, and i assure you that fact confuses him just was much. i suggest you sit withe the 5 year old and the baby and you make a learning experience from it. Show him how to hold a baby gently, how to brush the baby's hair, how to count his tiny fingers and toes and even how you can make the baby smile. If the boy see's that being gentle and caring for the baby gets him a positive and comforting re-action from the baby and from you, over time he will learn to associate the baby as a positive experience and will display the emotions that he wants to see in the baby. You can use this method with the rest of the family as well, sit with jim one on one and just be together and ask him questions and let him do a lot of the talking. 5 year olds are the centre of their own universe, and that is not a bad thing! That is a development stage that every child goes through - in a range of degrees of course. You need to make his opinions and emotions valid, but also show him better ways of communicating them.
Time-outs are a very tough topic and another issue on their own. I suggest you look up the "time-in" method and i am sure you will find some great tips there.
I am not saying that this will happen in a week, it will take time. But the result will be a little boy who loves his siblings and wants to see positive reaction from them, because that will make him feel comfortable. Children want the best for themselves.
I hope i have helped you.
All the best!
Hi there!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to read that you are having a hard time! i know it gets very stressful and sometimes you just feel at the end of your wits. As someone who is currently a nanny to 4 children all between the ages of 3 and 12 and also a preschool teacher, i know that sibling conflict is a hard one to resolve.
You said that the boy is 5 years old and does not seem to show any empathy towards anyone. You must remember that he is 5 years old. Just like reading, writing and riding a bike; Empathy is a skill that needs to be taught and the best teachers for that are the parents, and of course the Nanny if he or she is around often enough. Some children struggle with empathy, and it is not because they are troubled or at risk children, it is because empathy really is a strong emotion. When you break it down - empathy is taking on and understanding someone else pain, sadness or grief as your own to make them feel more comfortable and cared for. Some, actually a lot of 5 year old children do not know how to deal with situations like this and the emotions of the other child makes them feel VERY uncomfortable. Being only 5 years old and knowing how to communicate your emotions properly, the boy is going to lash out and hit, bite, push or maybe even start crying himself at the confusion.
I think you and the parents need to sit down and have a talk about how you can help the child yourselves. Therapy is a very drastic and life altering decision to make - for both the family and the child as an individual. Once you bring someone else into the problem, it becomes easier to expect all problems to be solved by this third party, and also the blame is very quickly turned onto the professional for not fixing the problem, when really the problem lies at home and with the nurturing and teaching from the parents and caregiver. I am in no way saying that this is you or the parents fault.
In my opinion, you need to come up with a strategy that does not involve the child being reprimanded or punished for displaying his emotions in a negative way - this may be the only way he knows how, and i assure you that fact confuses him just was much. i suggest you sit withe the 5 year old and the baby and you make a learning experience from it. Show him how to hold a baby gently, how to brush the baby's hair, how to count his tiny fingers and toes and even how you can make the baby smile. If the boy see's that being gentle and caring for the baby gets him a positive and comforting re-action from the baby and from you, over time he will learn to associate the baby as a positive experience and will display the emotions that he wants to see in the baby. You can use this method with the rest of the family as well, sit with jim one on one and just be together and ask him questions and let him do a lot of the talking. 5 year olds are the centre of their own universe, and that is not a bad thing! That is a development stage that every child goes through - in a range of degrees of course. You need to make his opinions and emotions valid, but also show him better ways of communicating them.
Time-outs are a very tough topic and another issue on their own. I suggest you look up the "time-in" method and i am sure you will find some great tips there.
I am not saying that this will happen in a week, it will take time. But the result will be a little boy who loves his siblings and wants to see positive reaction from them, because that will make him feel comfortable. Children want the best for themselves.
I hope i have helped you.
All the best!
Yeah, good luck with that! I was in the same situation. I decided to resign and give my notice. When I did this, they played like they loved me and didn't want me to leave at all. They asked me what they could do so that I'd be able to stay. So as nicely as I possibly could, I respectfully told them what would need to change. They were all game for doing whatever was needed to have me stay. That is until a few days later when they sat me down and "fired" me. Well at least that's the story they tell I'm sure. They most likely leave out the part where I quit first. If you can't handle it, my advice would be to quit. Parents get so easily offended. It's ok for them to say how bad their kids are, but let the nanny try the same thing and the world ends. Best wishes for figuring out your situation. I feel your pain! :/
ReplyDeleteWell unemployment would have been easier to get if you get fired.Then again there is your reference s espeicaly if you have been there for years.Its so stressful what to do what not to do.Get another job lined up or build your savings before you say or do anything .In the end they would not give a second thought to it They probably lined up another nanny o er the weekend a yes mam whatever you say nanny that looks the other was and as to act like they don't have a brain and are very desperate for a job.
DeleteOP - just wanted to say that I was in a similar situation when I first started this job, I had three 1-year olds and their older brother was two and a half, and he was a holy terror! Luckily he went to daycare, so he was only home for a few hours each day (and when he was, DB was in charge of him so I wasn't responsible in any way) but I dreaded those few hours. I honestly had the same thought you did - maybe something is really wrong!
ReplyDeleteAbout six months ago, though, the family had another nanny (there are usually 2-3 of us) who WAS expected to take care of him, and she was pretty firm, set boundaries and had consequences, etc. There was a gradual change (like, over a couple of weeks) and even though she left a few months later, apparently DB got used to him behaving and started setting boundaries and consequences, and not tolerating so much crap. Now he's a pretty normal kid and (which he does have the occasional, age-expected temper tantrum, etc) I don't dread him being home anymore. (Still pretty sure I don't want to take on all four kids at once, but it's an improvement lol!) Good luck!
I like the step strategy for time out that the first commenter suggested, but it may not work for every kid. If you're finding it doesn't work with this child: Sit down with the parents and make a list of all the things he really loves, cherishes. He may really really love going to the park to play, he may love riding his bike, he may love watching Survivor with the rest of the family on TV, he may love his lego. He may really like his best friend Johnny and having him over every Friday afternoon for playdates. He may absolutely love an after school activity like drama class or soccer practice - these are just a few examples.
ReplyDeleteHave a sit down with the parents and the boy. Explain to him that in future, when he misbehaves, he will get one warning that his behaviour is unacceptable and to stop. If he misbehaves again, he will lose a privilege. For example, if he shoves his finger in his brother's eye, first make a fuss of his brother and make sure he is ok. Then say "It is not acceptable to treat your brother like that. We keep our hands to ourselves - if you misbehave again, you will lose your bike for two days. Do you understand?" If he does it again, go for the bike, lock it up. If he cries, say "You're really upset that you got your bike taken away, because it's really fun riding it at the skate park. But, in this house, we don't hurt people. You can have your bike back in two days." If he starts throwing a fit about having his bike taken away, I would just grab the other kids and take them somewhere safe and leave him to it - don't engage him further or try to reason with him, as he won't listen at that point. I would only resort to putting him in his room if he was being destructive in the extreme, to the point where his behaviour was a danger to himself or others and it was necessary to confine him in a safe space for his own safety.
Also, you will need the parents to back you and reinforce whatever discipline you will be using. If they don't follow through on time-outs, or they just unlock his bike or whatever you've confiscated as soon as you've gone because they're pushovers, or worse, they blame you, then no matter what discipline technique you're using will have no chance of working. If consistent discipline, backed by the parents, doesn't work, then there will be little option but to either talk to the child's principal or put the child into therapy. If the parents won't take a hint, I would weigh up how badly I needed the job and if I didn't need it that badly, I would just come right out and tell them.