Hi,
I am writing to understand from your nannies if this is a situation that can be improved, or if I need to just find a way out, and if so, how. My husband of four months has recently hired the nanny that worked for he and his first wife. The nanny has a bond (too close if you ask me) with the children which puts me at a disadvantage. I wonder if she's as smart as everyone thinks she is, does that mean, she is intentionally ensuring there is no room for me to grow in to my role as stepmother? The children's mother is a contemptable character which gives me great range to hone my mothering techniques. My husbands has hired the nanny for weekends Friday-Monday Monring to get the children off to school. This is incredibly helpful. The children all have activities. It isn't that I don't want childcare help, I do. This nanny is just to much. She also has a very chippy relationship with my husband, and while it isn't sexual in nature, it does sometime feel more personal than our own.
The Good Heart
(Lost in Scarsdale)
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI am a nanny myself and it seems as if you are a bit insecure. From what you have written it doesn't seem as though the nanny has too close of a bond, but rather you are jealous that you don't have the bond she has with the children. You need to understand that she has been a consistent individual in their lives and they not only trust her, but also feel protected. If you are unhappy with the relationship the nanny has with your husband then it is your job as his wife to address it immediately. Since nannies are there to benefit the children primarily, wouldn't you rather the children be cared for by someone they have known for years? I am sure the divorce was hard on them and perhaps you should stop being so selfish and insecure.
Signed,
REALISTIC
I understand your position OP. Maybe try and set boundaries or have a talk with the nanny. While she may have good itentions, she also maybe thinking of herself as the top hen and doing it on purpose. She is only there in the mornings so if things don't improve just ignore her because she won't be there forever and just work on your relationsip with the kids. You are their stepmother and hold a more important role in their lives then her. Good luck.
ReplyDelete-- Been There Done That
I believe that your issues are with yourself and not the nanny. She has been their constant through the divorce, and that stability is extremely important to their emotional development.
ReplyDeleteTry taking the nanny out to lunch to talk about the children. She may have more insight as to how you can build a stronger bond with your stepchildren.
Maybe spend a few days together with the nanny and the children.
Her job isn't to just take care of your step children, it's to love them, teach them, make them feel secure and safe. Don't disregard the role that she plays in their lives because of your insecurities.
I'm not sure what to think of this. It's hard to know if it's just an insecure woman being melodramatic or if the nanny actually doesn't like the stepmother.
ReplyDeleteI think that if you are employing someone, and have someone in your home that you don't like, you have the right to pursue that.
If it were me, I would make an effort with the nanny and also talk to my husband about it. I'd be really frank about my feelings and see what he had to say. I'd also wonder where the children were with her. Do they love her, or do you think they'd be fine with someone else and recover quickly? These are all things to consider. If anything, just know that your feelings are valid. Whether you need to set them aside or stand behind them is up to you.
I also feel that you might be a bit insecure. I mean, it's understandable to be insecure in this situation; coming into a "family" that already includes a mother-like figure (the nanny). But I agree with Jenya, that it's a positive thing for the kids to have their nanny as a constant through this turbulent time.
ReplyDeleteWhy do you feel that their relationship is "too close"? It sounds like this nanny has known these children for a long time, in which case it's only natural that they would be close. It sounds like you'd rather have a child care provider who is just there to help lighten your load, and who the kids don't really care for. If that's the case, it's a pretty selfish attitude.
I would advise having a sincere sit down conversation with the nanny. Try not to have your words come from a defensive place. Tell your nanny the truth; that you really want to bond with the children and sometimes you feel like an outsider because your relationship with them is so new. And then ask her if she has any advice. Ask if she can help you figure out how to get closer to them. If she's as close to them as you say, then all she wants is for them to be happy. And unless you're a horrible person, I'm sure she wants them to have a wonderful relationship with you, because she loves them and that would be in their best interest.
I agree that the issue lies within you, and not necessarily your nanny. You need to really evaluate where your insecurities are coming from.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard for me to advise on what can be improved as you did not give any examples of what the nanny is doing wrong.
ReplyDeleteI think you should carefully exam why you don't like her and discuss the issues with your husband.
Seems to me you and your husband got together rather quickly since you do not have a relationship with your step kids.
I think it's great the kids have a constant in their lives.
Maybe you can take over bringing them to some of their activities so they can have 1 :1 time with you
I also encourage you to be more respectful of their mother. She is their mother and they can read your negativity about her.
I hope it works out for you, but keep in mind children are not robots. They have thoughts and feelings of their own, and just because their daddy has fallen for you doesn't mean they have to love you or like you. Take your time. Be patient.
"Hi,
ReplyDeleteI am a nanny myself and it seems as if you are a bit insecure. From what you have written it doesn't seem as though the nanny has too close of a bond, but rather you are jealous that you don't have the bond she has with the children. You need to understand that she has been a consistent individual in their lives and they not only trust her, but also feel protected. If you are unhappy with the relationship the nanny has with your husband then it is your job as his wife to address it immediately. Since nannies are there to benefit the children primarily, wouldn't you rather the children be cared for by someone they have known for years? I am sure the divorce was hard on them and perhaps you should stop being so selfish and insecure.
Signed,
REALISTIC"
I could not agree more!
i remember when prince william and harry's mom died, their beloved nanny,tiggy legge-bourke was close by and they zoomed her in to care for them. queen elizabeth their grandmother said " Thank God for small mercies"
ReplyDeletetry to have empathy for these kids - divorce is absolute hell on the kids - anything that will help them cope is your priority
begin the process of being a positive stable force for them - it will take time, maybe years - you can do it
i say this from experience
OP:
ReplyDeleteNo offense, but you seem a little bit insecure about this nanny. Even if she is a bit flirty w/your hubby, as long as you TRUST him, there is nothing to worry about. Do you trust him?
Also, give this situation some time. Sure this nanny has a great advantage since she knew the children prior, but you can also show the kids that you can be a wonderful step~mother if you make the effort. These types of relationships take time to establish and do not succeed overnight.
Good luck and I hope things get better.
I just reread through the comments and am kind of surprised how many people are lacking empathy. I feel like because we're nannies, we tend to take the nanny's side and try to see from her point of view more than we will for an employer.
ReplyDeleteEven without knowing: the age of the children, how long the parents have been divorced, how long the nanny has known the children, how long the stepmother has known the children, what # wife the stepmother is (no offense, OP, but it does give a considerable context to your position), her age, your age, your husband's age, etc etc etc.
Also, OP, the things you say are ambiguous, as in- "the mother is a contemptible character" and calling the nanny "smart". I'm inclined to give all people the benefit of the doubt, and say that no, nothing will "ensure" you don't have room to grow in your role. Love is not a finite value. I was a nanny to a stepmother and her stepchildren, and we had completely different kinds of relationships with the children. There really probably is not as much "competition" as you are afraid of in the children's eyes.
Then again, as I said in my first post- your feelings are so valid. You employ this person. She is in your home, and taking care of children that seem to be important to you. It should absolutely be an issue discussed with your husband. I know that if it were me and a woman had a relationship with my husband that made me feel unsettled, I would want him to listen and validate my feelings and also be prepared to let her go simply because I didn't like her. As for the children, losing a nanny is tough, but they DO recover. I would say that if you need to let her go, do not attempt to sever ties between the children and nanny if they are older.
It's hard to give really specific advice because of everything above, but if it were me, here is what I would do:
Talk to husband about how you feel about the nanny. See what he has to say about how much he likes her and how much the children like her. Maybe he's not opposed to finding a replacement. I'm inclined to think it could be a very difficult to be trying to establish your household with the children while this nanny who (potentially) doesn't like the stepmother is a constant presence.
If you do let her go, let your husband tell her and not to say it has anything to do with you. Give her notice, a good reference and severance pay.
Hire someone else. If these feelings crop up again, take a long hard look at whether or not it's you being insecure or if there really is something going on directly related to the nanny.
Last, make an effort to have a relationship with your stepchildren. They will not want a relationship with you simply because you've removed the nanny they love. You have to make a real effort to engage with them.
I hope this situation works out, best of luck.
You have been married for four months, and you refer to the mother as a "contemptable character" and that gives you a chance to better hone your mothering techniques?
ReplyDeleteThese kids are not science projects. There is more than "technique" to being a parent.
Here is my advice: respect the children's mother, at least to the children. She is their mother. Of course you don't like her. Your husband's kids are her kids too. They are NOT your kids. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's true. You have a responsibility to respect the children's mother, or you are being neglectful.
If you ask me, your problem with this nanny is small potatoes. Merely a symptom of your own insecurities. But the whole parenting issue is where you need the most guidance.
So who takes care of the children during the week? Obviously you don't since you think that taking care of them on the week-end is a big hassle.
ReplyDeleteI understand that you feel insecure at this point in your life, but if you are thinking about firing this nanny, you should keep in mind that she was already in your stepchildren's lives when your husband met you and married you. For all the closeness that they seem to have, your husband still went through a divorce for you.
If I were you I would talk to the nanny and ask for her help in establishing a good relationship with the kids. Give her a chance to like you by acknowledging how important she is in the children's lives. You say you wonder if she is making sure that you cannot grow into your role as a stepmother. It could be that she hates you and wants you out of the kids' lives, but it is far more likely that she just wants to keep her job and tries to make herself useful. Maybe you should first make sure that the nanny feels appreciated before thinking she is out to get you.
Glad you're back, MPP!
ReplyDeleteThe OP sounds quite selfish and cruel. You have a good nanny that your children love and does her job very well. She managed to keep a good relationship with all parties involved through the divorce. And you want to sack her so you can 'grow' into your role as a mother (which they already have one)? Shame on you. The nanny is probably very important to the kids as a symbol of normalcy and security and firing her because of your own insecurities as a new wife and mother-figure is completely heartless.
It also doesn't surprise me that her relationship with your husband is at times more personal than the one he has with you; he has known her far longer and through what was presumably a messy divorce. This is an issue you should take up with your husband about establishing appropriate boundaries, not a manipulative way for you to blame everything on the nanny and get rid of her.
P.S. To the commenter who advised you to have your husband sneakily fire her for no reason, just because you said so, and without mentioning you, what a spoiled snake in the grass you are!
You're just jealous that they show her what they'll never show you with that attitude. She's been there for them while you show them hatred. Just saying you don't like someone they love shows you don't care about them. Why don't you do what the nanny does other than being lazy and selfish. She's probably half your age, 1000 times prettier and less than half your size so instead of appreciating what nannies do since you won't you hate on her. I know your step kids know you're nothing but a wicked step monster and I hope she tells them to keep hating you because you deserve it. I get along with all people in my charges lives and for good reason they depend on me so it makes life simpler.
ReplyDelete