I need opinions on my situation. Background: I am in my mid-twenties, have a bachelor’s in elementary education, 3 years experience as a lifeguard (taught swim lessons), know an extensive amount of baby signs (took ASL classes for fun), 1 year experience as a camp counselor, have clearances for working with children (state law) and 5+ years as a babysitter. I would say I have experience working with children.
Family: Dad (works) and Mom (stay at home mom) and their 4 children (8 yrs, 4 yrs, 3 yrs, and 4 months) I have been with this family for over 2 years.
Problem: Where do I start? I liked this family when I started... then it turned ugly.
1. Parenting style is too permissive. There is a counting system with time-outs, but it is not utilized enough.
2. Children whine allllllllll day long. I am not exaggerating. The 3 year old doesn’t just whine either, he screams at the top of his lungs until he makes himself gag. This will be over things like not letting him have a cookie (which his mom doesn’t want me to give him, but it’s okay if she gives him one).
3. Children do not know how to play by themselves. With a “No TV” rule while I am there, this exhausts me as a nanny. I have to entertain them the full 8 hours I am there. BTW, when I step out the door, mom turns on the TV immediately.
4. Mom is at home all day (minus running errands). We all know the down side to that. Looking over my shoulder the whole time and giving me suggestions on how to play with her kids.
5. When they “play games” it’s really them playing for 5 minutes and then throwing the pieces. I cannot get mad at them for throwing pieces because the mom thinks “it’s just them being kids”.
6. The mother does not play with her children. I think I have seen her on the ground playing maybe a total of 10 times since I have worked for her. Although I know they hired me to play with their kids and to be at home while the young ones took naps and the mom ran errands, it still blows my mind that the mom does not play with her children more.
7. I didn’t want to drive the kids around. Personally, it’s a liability issue for me. Not to mention, gas is not cheap. Now she wants me to drive them everywhere.
8. The mom just recently started giving her 3 year old melatonin to help him sleep at night. Is that normal?
9. NO SCHEDULE! I worked 40 hour weeks not knowing my hours until the week I worked (sometimes the day before). I am a flexible person, but really!? Also, constantly she asked for me to stay a little longer on days.
10. The 8 year old can’t wipe herself after going #2 on the potty. She is a normal, healthy child. Mom doesn't want her to wipe, I have to wipe or the mom has to.
11. 4 year old and 8 yr old talk to me in a disrespectful manner. “Ugggh! You did it wrong!”, “Get this, get that!", "Go away!"
12. The dad is socially awkward and has said rude things to me before.
After dealing with all this craziness: I wanted to quit a year ago. The mom wanted me to phase out and another nanny to phase in. I thought “sure! No problem. I can work a month more while you find someone”. Well it never happened. She never found anyone else. Then she found someone else (by bargaining with one of her friends who had a sitter). As a side note, this sitter also thinks this family is nuts. Then she still wanted me to work once a week. Does she not know what quit means? I finally said, “It’s never a good time to tell you this because I know you are busy (she is a stay at home mom with a nanny, come on!). I am done. Today is my 2 weeks notice. After those 2 weeks, I will be done.” She became passive aggressive and started slamming doors and not talking to me. Now she wrote me an e-mail saying how she was appalled by my behavior, like I was the one slamming doors. The e-mail contained more personal jabs at my character.
After all I have done and put up with! I have always shown up to work on time, I have said 95% yes to days when she asks me to work last minute (only declining because of appointments or sickness). I parent her children how she wants me to parent (even though I disagree with the style). Although I have listed all negative things in this post, there have been positive experiences I have had in these past 2 years with this family. However, if I look at it as a whole… I believe the negative outweighs the positive.
After the e-mail the mom sent, I am SO done. I still have one more day left and apparently she is getting a good-bye cake. Would it be bad if I didn’t show up? Thanks, SO totally done!
I'm assuming your last day has come and gone. Did you show up for your party?
ReplyDeleteGood luck to you and your new job or career.
The mom is the one giving cookies not you because she wants to look like the ''good guy'' to her children and not the ''Strict nanny who never gives out sweets''
ReplyDeleteAnd the mother doesn't want Tv because she is saving the ''Tv time'' for after you leave so she doesn't have to occupy her children.
Parents like this disgust me. You can pop out 4 kids but you think you have to pay others to do the hard work.? But i bet she has NO problem calling herself ''A stay at home mom who goes threw alot caring for her children everyday'' Even though its YOU whos caring for them.
My mother had 5 of us, We were never put in daycare, never EVER had a babysitter (except for the occasion sleepover at Grandma and Grampas house)
And this lady, being a stay at home mom will literally sit on her butt all day while you care for her kids and sit back and boss you around.
You did nothing wrong. This lady obviously took you for granted and is selfish and doesn't consider your needs or wants. She is just mad that you stood up for yourself and she probably feels its because of something her or her family did so she needs to lash out to you because in her eyes her parenting and lifestyle are perfect and how dare others quit. You did a good thing and you were not happy so i'm glad you stood up for yourself. Kudos!
I sympathize with this post soo much! Just yesterday I put in my two weeks notice as my job where I had the same issues as numbers 1, 2, 4, 6, and 11. There is only so much we as nannies can do if the parents' parenting style doesn't meet us half way. Although we help tremendously in raising children, if parents don't do a good job of raising them on their own our jobs become so much harder and it's often impossible to do things well. Congrats on quitting!
ReplyDeleteGosh..OP, when I read your post, I felt so bad for you. I see myself in a lot of your situations.
ReplyDeleteWorking for a stay-at-home parent can be HELL at times. Been there done that. It won't get better.
Good for you for giving notice to your boss. And YES, considering how she is treating you, you should just not show up. (Make sure you have your last payment in hand.) She sounds like a lazy nut.
The people who i worked for it would not accept my resignation either because my resignation meant I was letting their children down this is by the way a stay-at-home mom and I worked 70 hours a week. They were so nasty to me I got my revenge by giving them a full of shit thank you card and they never got anything for me. She was so embarrassed for not getting me anything that was the ultimate revenge!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you went through this! I use to work for a stay-at-home mom and I will never do it again! She always went out to shop, get her nails done, meet the girls at Starbucks to gossip..I have absolutely zero respect for a majority of the SAHM's nowadays.
ReplyDeleteIt's sad when the children are an inconvienence and they need to hire someone else to take care of them. Also the fact that she pulled the "good cop bad cop" act with you is a total slap in the face. Every family I have ever worked for has pulled that crap and I would always pull the parent aside and bring up how it wasn't appreciated. Ugh. I hope you find a family who truly appreciates you. Best of luck!
Wait a minute here...whoa...slow down. She doesn't feel that her 8 year old should wipe her own ass. Are you kidding me! You should ask the mom who wipes her when she goes to the bathroom. As it is onviously someting people in that family dont do. What kind of people are they?
ReplyDeleteSo glad you are quitting. I would even write a detailed letter about child raising. Does her daughter not go to the bathroom as school? Who wipes her then. This is so shocking to me
WOW! How did you spend so much time with all of this craziness?! You sound like a great career Nanny so I'm sure you went ahead and went to the last day/cake thing. But goodness knows I doubt I could have done it. I've worked for SAHDs before and never had an issue. I've made sure to turn down automatically any SAHM jobs. Sad to say, but SAHDs are just (in my experience) SO much easier to work with.
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly the type of MB that doesn't deserve a nanny. I think you went above and beyond by honoring her parenting style, especially since you disagreed with it. I know from experience that it is so difficult to do when you can clearly see that their way is not working.
ReplyDeleteAbout the whole cookie and TV thing, I have experienced that SO many times before too! It's so aggravating. Yes, they are the parents and if they want to give their kids cookies and TV then they can, but it certainly makes the nanny's job SO much harder.
I can't believe you stuck around for 2 years but I'm glad you finally quit. Please let us know if you went to the goodbye "party" and if MB had any parting words for you!
I don't understand why you stayed for so long. I'm just guessing you did it because they asked you to, but so what? It doesn't take a freaking year to find a nanny. Look on care.com, we're a dime a dozen! I'm sorry if I'm coming off as mean, but it just frustrates me when nannies allow themselves to be treated so badly. If you knew you hated the job, you should have just left when you wanted to instead of sticking around. I couldn't even find any redeeming factors in this job, unless they were paying you an exorbitant amount of money!
ReplyDeletePS: Occasionally, yes it is normal for a young child to take melatonin. But only if they are having severe sleeping problems and if the doctor okays it. I'm guessing this was not the case and the mom just didn't want to deal with the kid at night.
PPS: Aries, your mother wasn't a perfect mom because she never got a babysitter for yall. That makes her a martyr. It is perfectly acceptable for a SAHM to get babysitters occasionally, especially for date night or whatever. My family has 5 kids too and my parents went out 2-3 times a month--they deserved it!
It's sad when this happens, you care for, love their children and do so many tasks with flexibility, and patience and in the end you'll bro lucky to get a reference. I did a great job for a family for two years and it just fell apart when I said I didn't want to move with them, I was never a live in MB just assumed I would want to relocate with them. There was angernnd resentment all around, why? I'm still not sure, I do know that if I'm unhappy with the way I'm being treated I start looking to move on.
ReplyDelete@Phoenix,
ReplyDeleteYour response cracked me up. LOL.
MISSMANNAH - Yes she went out but we would be babysat by Grandparents, aunts, etc. And when me and my sister were in daycare my mother was one of the daycare workers at the time along with 3 other workers. Always there. She never complained she loved being around her children unlike the OP's boss who hires a nanny daily while she sits at home doing nothing making the nanny do her dirty work. Yeah maybe if she had a job it would be different but she didn't. Theres no excuse.
ReplyDeleteAlong with no Tv while nanny is working but once nanny leaves the mother puts on the TV so she doesn't have to deal with caring for her children. Not to mention OP not being able to give treats to the children so she looks like the bad guy while mom comes out and gives it to them. The mom wants the kids to favor her and not the nanny. She knows the nanny will grow on the children and she still wants to be the big dog in the house while treated OP like she is below her.
ReplyDeleteI would ask her why she had kids if she doesn't want to take care of them. Then I would leave a detailed journal about how to be a parent, including discipline, a quiz on child development regarding milestones, and books on parenting. Also, I would leave her something on how to be a better MB.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your post, I am so glad you left. A nanny can do only so much, in terms of the job and guiding the children in terms of behavior. It's upto the parents to meet us half way.
If I had been in your position, I would've asked why she had kids if she doesn't want to take care of them, followed by grabbing my things and telling her, "I am sick of the way you and DB treat me. I am tired of the children's disrespect, which I feel is caused by how you treat them. I am upset by your lack of parenting skills and overall laziness. I feel that you should be taking care of them, because you are their mother. Start now, because I quit".
SAHM jobs are now passed over, unless they are part time....
I agree missdee. Some parents want to skip out on the hard stuff yet still try to take the credit.
ReplyDeleteCorrection from my previous post. I meant my mother was a teacher for Kindergarten/Preschool not Daycare*. This was awhile ago though. She is now a Doctor at a Hospital*. (I hate typos I make them alot so bare with me.)
Aries, if you disparage nannies so much...why are you one?? In many of your posts, you seem to think that only bad parents hire someone to care for their children.
ReplyDeleteSo my question is, who wipes the 8yr olds ass when she is at school? Surely the mom doesnt make the teacher do is? or does she? I can just see the kid now on her first date, Oh can you wipe my ass cause Im not allowed to wipe it myself... Yah that is gonna help the kid go far in life. what about the other kids do they wipe there own asses? I can understand the baby not doing it, but all the others are old enough to.
ReplyDeleteMissMannah - I disparage BAD nannies. There's a difference. But i got a question for you. If you disparage everyone on ISYO, why are you here? I see many if not all of your comments in a passive agressive nature lashing out at people on here. I've seen alot of people say some really nasty things about you because of this. So i know its not just me thinking this. Although i've never said anything because i don't want to come off immature. Nothing in my post was against nannies in general. Relax, why do you always seem uptight and frustrated on every blog post?
ReplyDeleteAries, I agree with you 100% regarding Miss Mannah. She ALWAYS likes to stir the pot.
ReplyDeleteMy guess is she is very bored with her own life.
I suggest you look up the meaning of passive-aggressive. Most would just call me plain old aggressive, there's nothing passive about me.
ReplyDeleteThe only people I disparage are those I have no patience for: morons. You can interpret that comment however you like.
MissMannah, go find a hobby.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for responding.
ReplyDeleteI did go to the party, but only after writing an e-mail back to the SAHM. The e-mail was basically a "douse the flames" e-mail and the mom responded well. She said she will be a good reference for any job prospects and I was able to leave on good terms. Whew.
I wrote my post on ISYN when I was livid, so a lot of the negatives that I had to deal with just came pouring out. I really could have filled pages and pages of ranting.
@ MissMannah ...On why I stayed...I was paid VERY well and received a benefits package too. That was hard to give up, but my sanity means more to me. Also I stayed so long because they did help me through some personal issues, but at a certain point...they started taking advantage of me. It's easy for you to say "just leave", because you don't know the whole situation.
As a closing note, being a nanny is HARD. I did not ever mean to be a nanny. I wanted to be an elementary teacher. I can't find jobs as a teacher in my current location, so nannying seemed to be the next best thing. Being a nanny is such a personal job. Depending on the situation, you are basically a 2nd or 3rd parent. It's easy for a family to become attached to a nanny and for a nanny to become attached to a family. Leaving is hard, but I think I was able to assert myself and finally move on in a way that was as graceful as it could be. As a side note, I am now working for another family part-time (No SAHM!!) and looking for non-profit teaching jobs.
From this experience, I have SO much respect for nannies.
Thanks again!
-So done
MissMannah I wouldn't talk. You're obviously very bored with your life and frustrated. Not my problem :) And yes you are passive aggressive. You look for fights and i could say alot of things about you not only physically if i wanted to but we are all adults. I still can't believe you're a nanny i wouldn't trust you with my children no offence but theres something about you thats creepy.
ReplyDeleteBut that aside i'm sure we can act likes adults you ignore me and i'll go back to ignoring your existence.
And also, Brenda K - You're absoloutly right. That's what i mean ''passive aggressive'' she doesn't come right out and starts fights she'll just give a little additude covered up and then slowly the additude gets bigger LOL. I find people like that amusing though, It makes sites like these more interesting. I could never take her seriously.
ReplyDeleteI do however like Pheonix (the lady with the blonde hair in her picture)who i see on here because she seems smart, mature, gives good insight, etc so i know there are mature people who can be civil but at the same time defend themselfs when needed.
@So Done:
ReplyDeleteYes, being a Nanny is HARD WORK. I wish more parents realized this before they started asking us to clean their house, cook their dinner, run to the store, etc.
The Nanny profession is unique in the fact that many families do not see "caring for a child" as a job in itself. If they did, then they would just be happy their child was being taken great care of. But NO!! Instead, they choose to assign chores, errands, and the like only to distract and take attention away from their own kids.
Parents: Being a Nanny is tough work. Just caring for a young child is enough labor. Why do we also have to empty out your dishwasher, fold your laundry and take out your trash?? Isn't caring for your children enough for us?????
I am not sure why everyone is riled up with you Miss Mannah. I always enjoy reading what you have to say.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like a great nanny.
Thank you, that is lovely to hear. I choose to ignore the comments of someone who has repeatedly misspelled the word "attitude."
ReplyDeleteMissMannah - Thanks for following my advice! Maybe when i'm as old as you i will worry about spelling errors. If you used all the energy you put into people on this side onto a treadmill you would not only be heathier physically but it would help with the stress/frustration you seem have.It's a win/win give it a try.
ReplyDeleteThe pot-shots ARIES has been making while missmannah has tried to prove herself being civil only makes ARIES look like an ass. Why doesn't she have a photo of herself up? Probably because she looks like Shrek. And yea, all of those spelling mistakes make you look like an idiot, too.
ReplyDeleteLOL! I had no idea 29 was old. Should I start applying for social security before it runs out?
ReplyDeleteAnd please, I don't need a "team." That freaks me out just a little bit. Though it is nice to have some on my side for a change. Also, it is against everything I stand for to have anyone tear down the looks of another woman, especially if it is a woman she has never seen. It doesn't matter what stupid things she has said, it is never appropriate to insult her physically.
Ahhh, Aries just made me feel bad. She keeps calling Miss Mannah "fat" without actually coming out and saying it (being passive-agressive as she claims Miss Mannah is). Are you 12? You need to grow-up. Miss Mannah is out-spoken and from what I can tell, honest. It's not a terrible thing. I'd love for her to come nanny my 1 year old son.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, you just come off as an immature brat, attacking another person for no real reason. All the things you were bitching about Miss Mannah doing, you did. Stir that pot a bit faster sweetie. One thing you did that she never has...name calling. Seriously, childish.