Friday

My Boss is My Wife

By Feature Writer Rebecca Nelson Lubin
guest I know all us Nannies have those employer horror stories, the stay at home moms with nothing to do all day but lunch, have their nails done and criticize our work, and believe me, I have had many of those myself. There was the Mom who dressed all day in tennis whites, was rude to her husband and kids and abruptly fired me two days before my sinus surgery my sophomore year of college because I could not come in early enough to accommodate her doubles game. (I was only home because I was, uh, having surgery and besides, my mother hadn’t really approved on me working while I was sick.) Then there was the Mom who told me that when I held her baby it really bothered her if I nuzzled or kissed the two month old because it was like I was “kissing her” and she was seriously concerned that I was coveting her children. I was initially speechless, but recovered my composure and asked her if she understood the biblical definition of “coveting.” She did not. She had no idea that she had gravely insulted me, and offered no apology, and honestly did not feel that affection towards the children you care for was an important part of being a Nanny. Another Mom never once smiled at me – something I should have taken into consideration during my job interview – and the three months of scowls sank me into an all time low until I finally gave my notice. Yet another Mom met my attempts at friendly conversation with nothing short of eye rolls of contempt – how dare I think I was cool enough for her to consider me a friend! This one also didn’t believe in benefits of any kind, paid vacation days, paid holidays, paid sick days or time paid while they went away on their own vacations during the two years I worked for them full time. I got away from that job, and still felt guilty when I left, but I least I had paid health insurance again. The new Mom was better, friendlier, and sweet and trusting that I could do no wrong with her children, but nothing beats the boss I have now. Because my Boss is my Wife.

You might think that sounds strange, or downright wrong, but let me explain. There is no other word to describe the relationship I have with Chris. We are so mutually supportive of each other, beyond the employee – employer relationship. We spend our days coordinating, collaborating and commiserating from the same corner of respect. And yes, I know every nanny loves being supported and recognized for their hard work, and how that usually comes around maybe once or twice a year in the form of a cute card on their birthday or some scant Christmas bonus and re-gifted wrong sized sweater. But Chris lets me know important I am to her everyday. She makes a point to tell me, and to thank me, and even more importantly, she always finds a way to show me. From a simple, “you’re the best wife ever” to all those unexpected bonuses that come in the forms of gift certificates and yummy spa treatments, I feel totally valued. And I value her right back.

Beyond that, Chris is supportive of every aspect of my life. In 2008 when my boyfriend dumped me – on the phone while I was at work – and told me not to come home that evening (we had been living together for two years but it was his house)Chris came home immediately, told me to move into their guesthouse at once, and even offered to pony up a deposit for a new place should I find something right away. And all of this was before I had managed to even stop crying. As it was I stayed there for six months before moving into my dream house. Not only did she refuse to accept rent while I stayed there, but she insisted on gifting me with professional movers when the time came to pack up. Thank God as the majority of my stuff was still in my ex’s basement!

When Chris was pregnant with her third child – the girl baby – she bought me a beautiful blue ring that she had caught me admiring in our favorite boutique. She told me that it was my “baby ring”, my “push present” because the child growing inside her was going to be my baby too. Words cannot describe how deeply moved I was. I feel that way whenever she describes her children as “ours”.

“Betta is Mommy number two,” she will say to the three year old.

Now I wish I could and say that I am the only woman that Chris treats with this degree of respect and love and support, but that’s simply not the case. She has started an entire “Wife” movement, urging all her fellow female friends to treat their female friends as trusted and valued spouses who will always have each other’s backs. She has started her own website called http://www.abandofwives.ning.com/ which is the future of supported sisterhood. (Almost two thousand wives strong!) She tirelessly blogs and campaigns for causes for women and I would like to think that I am a huge part of the support system that allows her to do such amazing work, for just as much as she is my wife, I am hers, and really, don’t we all need a Wife?

40 comments:

  1. Is anyone else extremely confused by this post??

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  2. Why are you confused?

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  3. I couldnt figure out if this was really her wife or if it was an advertisement for the wifeorg thing that they started?

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  4. The writer seems to be describing the close relationship she has with her boss. What is so hard to figure out? She is trying to be humorous about it, I think.

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  5. I think there should be a better term for it. Wife makes you all sound like a bunch of lesbos. My MIL and her "wife" would agree. They are really wife and wife. I don't call my boss my spouse. (barf!)

    This sounds actually slightly twisted and strange. You are going to be really upset when she "divorces" you.

    Humans have lost their damn minds! It gets funnier every passing year. LOL

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  6. Well, Miami Nanny, her humor as well as what the hell was going on in this article was completely lost on me!!

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  7. toonces the cat who would drive a carSep 24, 2010, 1:49:00 PM

    Do you charge for advertising like this? Or did she get it for free?

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  8. Okay, umm... Im gay, and this sounds like how I would talk to my girlfriend!!! Are you sure this isnt some sort of friends with benefits situation? :)

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  9. check out the link. It's the movement her boss started. while I'm all for women helping/empowering other women, the "wife" thing is a little strange to me. Also, I think professional boundaries are important, and it seems like there are none here.

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  10. More than a little creeped outSep 24, 2010, 2:23:00 PM

    Um...ew? I'm all for a good employer/employee relationship, but this just feels creepy. How many boundaries have been crossed here?

    And really, an ad for/link to the "movement?" Pass the Koolaid. This post does not seem a good fit for ISYN. As a parent, I would not sift through posts like this to get to actual sightings--what I though was the purpose of the site.

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  11. Let me get this straight. Boss Mom is pregnant and has told Nanny that the baby is “theirs”. Again, MB is having the baby, but buys Nanny a “push present” of jewelry? I wonder what Boss Dad/the baby’s father thinks of his child being referred to as belonging to his wife and nanny? I appreciate the MB’s intention of showing appreciation for nannies, but the whole “wives” thing is a little too Big Love, at least for me.

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  12. I'm actually surprised by some of you, you sound like a bunch of old biddies on this board. I thought it was a cute story.

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  13. Ok, except for the "push present", that one was a little weird.

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  14. Is the mom a single parent? Where is the dad, don't u think he would be upset that his wife has a wife and no longer needs him?
    I love the sentiment of the story but the whole relationship is a little off. The ring seemed a little much. Plus a nanny should never be refered as mom #2 to the children. That is just gonna give that kid so issues.
    Glad you found a job you love.

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  15. Well it's all good and well until the nanny gets married or gets a job offer in the real world. Trust me on this, I know. I was there. Our family had it all. A dynamic, warm and loving nanny who lived with us. Our children were impeccably cared for. But then she decided to leave to go write. Oddly. And we felt betrayed. We handled it poorly. The children were crushed. We ended up not even on speaking terms.

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  16. An Old College RoomateSep 24, 2010, 4:46:00 PM

    Y'all have obviously never been a nanny......When you are a nanny, and a good one....those babies feel like yours, and you are to the mother everything she is to her husband (supportive, watches the kids, cooks,cleans, does errands) Its obviously a little sarcastic humor, but loving at the same time. A nanny is someone you let into your home and trust with your kids...she's not a gardener or housecleaner or cook....its more intimate than that, and Rebecca is showing us that in this post. The non-existent Dad in this is a high-powered editor and, truthfully, is never around, so his part in this means little. There. I said my part.

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  17. "Y'all have obviously never been a nanny......When you are a nanny, and a good one....those babies feel like yours, and you are to the mother everything she is to her husband (supportive, watches the kids, cooks,cleans, does errands)"

    Sorry, you are dead wrong. You don't need to think of yourself as your employer's spouse to be a good nanny. It is HEALTHY to have a professional relationship. And honestly, if you become work-friends (ie conversation is not just work related, you can stay and chit chat every so often, etc), that's great. Every single relationship we have (family, friends, lovers, etc) needs boundaries.

    This post was creepy and they do sound like lesbians in some twisted relationship. The "Boss" sounds like a sugar mama!

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  18. I would quit a job where the mother referred to me as "mommy number two". I love my charges, however, I am not their mother and I would never want them thinking I'm her equal.

    In the end, I will leave. While I may keep in touch, I will not be there for them everyday like their mother will. how sad for those children when their "second mom" walks away from them to pursue other interests or her own family.

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  19. is OP gay or straight? is OP a guy or a girl?

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  20. I can't help it. Just odd

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  21. I'm shocked that so many of you are taking this all so literally. Sounds to me like boss and nanny have an exceptionally close relationship. You can't pay for a nanny who is dedicated to you and your children like that. It doesn't happen often and it's pretty impossible for it to last, but I'm guessing the children are happy and cared for exceptionally well all the time.

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  22. Jane, I'm all for a close relationship but calling yourself mommy #2 and getting a push present is odd.

    I had been with my family for a year and a half before the youngest was born and I didn't get any sort of a present because mom had a baby, in fact had I gotten something it would've made me feel uncomfortable.

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  23. Well, they sound happy?

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  24. It wouldn't be for me, but it seems to work for them.

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  25. Well I seem to have hit a nerve and ruffled some feathers so allow me a moment to clarify some facts.
    My name is Rebecca and I am a career Nanny and writer who lives in Northern California. I love this blog and have been an avid reader for many years, and a few weeks back when there was a call to make this site better, I wrote to MPP and Jane and expressed interest in writing a weekly column, a "Nanny from the trenches" sort of thing. It is amazing to have the opportunity to do so. My first column was last week, called "I don't need Ovaries to be Fertile" about growing up infertile and being so rewarded by my relationships with the children I have nannied for, that now, at 43, I feel like I haven't missed a thing by not having children of my own. I was a little shocked by some of the hateful comments that followed that post, but hey, everyone has the right to their own opinion! This week I wanted to write about the amazing relationship I have with my Mom boss. "Wife" is nothing more than a nickname, just the way you will have your children call your well loved friend "Auntie." I have very strict professional boundaries. I respect and care for my bosses. Both of them. They respect and care for me. I began my post this week with the all too familiar nanny employer horror stories as the positive employer - employee relationship is so sadly rare in this profession. I have never experienced the work relationship I have now. It is friendship, it is family. It is the rare wonderful bonus of being a Nanny that I have never had before. My Mom boss is making a huge difference in this world with the work she is doing with her website "a Band of Wives." Her husband is so proud of her. She is supporting education, women's rights, the homeless, and tirelessly supports all women issues. If you want to check it out I urge you to do so. the address is www.abandofwives.ning.com
    We are just gearing up for our second benefit for reproductive rights for women, supporting a non profit that brings reproductive health care to third world countries. I get to help with the site too, hosting a weekly writing group for women, and gathering donations for our benefit's silent auction.
    I am not a lesbian. (Not there's anything wrong with that!) Nor is my boss. She has a wonderful husband and I have a wonderful boyfriend. I am not involved with my employer in any way except for supporting her as her nanny, loving her children, having nothing but total respect and (platonic) love for her and being a happy, fulfilled employee. She gave me the ring because I cannot have my own children and she knows how I delight in hers. It was a beautiful gesture and touched me deeply. I have no plans to leave them, and even if life dealt me some crazy card in the form of a huge lottery win I would most likely just keep on working and refuse to draw a salary. I have my own wonderful fulfilled life outside of my job. I love my job. I want to keep writing weekly pieces for this site, but the hateful commentary is upsetting.
    SO, please continue to comment, but please also stop reading into my posts. There is nothing weird or twisted about me. I nothing but grateful for all the wonderful aspects of my world, and I want to share them on this blog. My posts are not going to be about bad nanny sightings, but more insightful musings about the life of a typical nanny.
    Okay, that's it. I'll be here every Friday. I'm excited about it and I hope you enjoy!
    Till next Friday,
    Rebecca

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  26. I think having that background helps put the pieces together and make sense of it all.

    I apologize for my comments, as well as for what everyone else has said.

    I hope we can all be a little nicer to eachother :) Thank you for having the courage to speak your mind so openly.

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  27. I recognized your name immediately Rebecca, and was excited to see what you had written this time. I LOVE the fact that I saw your nanny now has weekly articles, and I'm glad you are a part of it.

    I enjoyed your new article (just as I did your last) and didn't see any "hidden motivation or agenda" behind your words as some did. Rest assured, there are people here who get you and are enjoying what you have to say.

    Kudos to Rebecca and I saw your nanny, I for one, feel this site has vastly improved since it's "make over"!

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  28. Sorry, Rebecca. I guess I was a little thrown with the wording. After going on the website, I admit it was interesting. And makes sense.

    Hope all works out for you!!

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  29. Thanks for chiming in Rebecca. I felt horrible that people were attacking this post and reading into it too much. I enjoyed your column last week and this week. I think it is great that the mom supports you so much as there are horrible moms to nanny for out there.

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  30. This article makes a little more sense now that the author explained it. I just couldn't figure it out at first, I found it confusing. I am happy that you found a position you love and that your employers seem to really loving having you worth there but I am sorry-the term "wife" is still strange.

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  31. I'm really, really scared of the "push present".

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  32. Until I read OPs follow up comment, all I could really think was "UH." However, now that it's been clarified a bit, I'm kind of liking the whole concept of band of wives.

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  33. I read the OP and had pretty much the same WTF reaction as many people here. Then I read the follow-up, which didn't do it for me. I had pretty much figured out all that anyway, having recognized the author's name from the last post she wrote.

    This situation is just plain weird to me. I have a special, platonic love with a couple of female friends, but I don't call them my wives. I think their husbands would be offended by that. Wouldn't "feeling sisterly" be more appropriate? I would never, ever use either term for a boss though. I am a nanny by profession and choose to stay professional. Like someone else said, if the nanny is referred to as the mommy, it will only cause confusion for the children and heartache when she eventually has to move on.

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  34. If my wife has a wife, then I expect to get the same privileges that I have with my wife with her "wife". Otherwise it is cheating. None of this; what is hers is hers and what is mine is hers too business.

    Now if you want to call yourselves "BFF, Sisters, or even the The Mod Squad"
    I am ok with that.

    But treading on spousal territory means sharing spousal responsibilites. I better get spousal privileges.

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  35. Curious Dad,
    Spousal privileges, hee-hee.

    You are too funny.

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  36. Thank you Constanza, I admit it was a bit tongue in cheek. Considering most of my spousal privileges have some pretty onerous requirements. But I do them because my wife is MY wife, not a friend or ally on a website.

    While I laud the OP's writing and the Organizations goals. I do think it has the effect of minimizing the word "Wife" in the same way the site claims that "Friends" has been degraded in usage.

    I am a Husband, the only person I should be a Husband too is my spouse and no one else. I seriously doubt I will EVER address another as my “Husband” unless I have a serious life style change. I do not care if it is a plural marriage, a same sex marriage, or a heterosexual marriage. There are certain connotations of responsibilities between those who are named “Husbands” or “Wives” with their spouse.

    While I can understand the decision to use the name, may have been used for a spot of fun. The long term usage may degrade the use of that name, just as the site states for the usage of the word “Friend”. I would rather have seen them take back the word “Friend” then co-opt another word.

    While I may not agree with all the articles written on here. I do eagerly await more. They are interesting.

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  37. kind of regret reading the story all the way through. yea, it's a tad creepy, and clearly a plug.

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  38. so isyn is gonna turn into a forum for wannabe writers???

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  39. HopeNot...

    I also hope not, unless the writers are good and write something worth reading. I don't want to read stuff like this that is a huge waste of time. Maybe I'll write something called 'My Charges are Baby Hippos and Also my Legitimate Children as well as Mimes' and get published.

    Ridiculous.

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  40. Love this! My boss and I are bffs! and totally identify with this story. I support her and she supports me, and so does the husband. I seriously lucked out with them, they're both such amazing people and amazing parents.

    While I agree that professional boundaries are important in other jobs, I think that in a nanny job it's important to bond like you would with a family member, because this person is part of your family.

    My bosses and I are friends. We treat each other like family. They ask me to stay for dinner, they invite me to any family celebration (not just the kids bdays) etc. They're moving to a bigger house now that is a little farther away than I would like, but want to make me a room so I can stay with them a couple of days a week. They enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs. Those of you who can't understand it or think having a close relationship with your bosses is weird, have never been lucky enough to have a boss that truly values you.

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