Received Thursday, November 6, 2008. - Perspective & Opinion
I am so pissed off, I don't even know where to begin. I thought everything was going well, except for the Parents hardly ever being around. They are so absent from their kids lives, it's a wonder that they even remember their names. Anyway, I go into work this morning, and instead of rushing out the door in her usual blur, the mom says she needs to talk to me. She says she's missing a ring, and did I happen to know anything about it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, did she think I took it? I don't know how, with a full staff, I am the one singled out. I told her I didn't do it, and if she didn't believe me, why not look at the tapes from the camera? She looked stunned for a minute, probably wondering how I knew about them, then said that they haven't used them in a long time. I'm guessing maybe the fact that I offered myself up like that for proof gave her pause, because then she stood up quickly, said she was sorry, and needed to get to work. Just like that! What the hell? I am stuck here with the kids, not knowing what to do. Part of me wants to walk out, but I can't.
Am I supposed to just accept her apology, like all is forgiven? Am I being overly dramatic? After a pseudo-accusation like that, there's no way I could continue to work for her, right? She's actually a decent person to work for, and I've never had any problems like this before, but I am really hurt because I thought she trusted me more than that. And what about these kids? I love them like they are my own. I have been in their life since they were born. They would be devastated to wake up one day, and me not be here. Please help!
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Why don't you sit her down this evening and tell her that you are very hurt by the accusation. Lay it out for her. If she's a decent person and a good employer, there's no reason not to be straight forward and get everything out on the table. Otherwise your resentment will just grow & fester.
ReplyDeleteEmily makes an excellent suggestion. I would do that. definitely, definitely. The air needs cleared on this one.
ReplyDeleteIf she has a full staff, perhaps she has asked every person if they know where it went. That's a natural thing to do, actually. What else is she supposed to do? Just say, "Oh well" and let it go for fear of offending anybody? If she said it nicely and in a non accusatory way, but more in the form of a question, I would try not to feel too personally offended or accused.
Still, if I were the employer, I would love to have you sit me down and explain that you felt hurt (so that I could apologize again and reassure you that I asked everybody and really had no particular person in mind as being the culprit, but thought I ought to just ask everybody in case somebody saw it somewhere.) I would also love to hear you tell me how important personal integrity is to you and how stealing anything or being dishonest is not a part of your system of personal ethics. I would want to know that even the hint of an accusation is incredibly insulting to you. I really admire personal ethics in a person and this would only cement in my mind that I had hired a top quality person for my nanny. If other things went missing in the future, I might still ask if you had seen them (because we all misplace things sometimes and every set of eyes is another chance to find them), but I would make extra sure to let you know I wasn't actually accusing you of taking them.
I'm a nanny as well, and although I've never been accused of anything, I would be hurt if I were.
ReplyDeleteHowever, look at it from her perspective. You're in her home, and anything can happen really... and sadly, things do get stolen often by nannies/housekeepers.
If you hired a nanny and something went missing, wouldn't you at least ASK her about it? I would. If something went missing, I would ask my husband, friends, family, anyone who had been in my house. It's not really accusing you of doing anything, it's just asking you. She probably feels bad for even asking you, because it does look bad on her, but I really don't blame her. I would do the same thing!
And if something important went missing at my employers, I would expect that they would ask me as well. Not accuse me, but ask me. Who knows, maybe I had seen it fall under the couch or maybe the kids had been in her room playing earlier that day.
I don't think that asking is always an accusation. It might be more "have you seen it anywhere?" I just lost a necklace that has sentimental value to me. I called my parents, asked my husband, called some friends that had been over. Not because I thought they took it. Not at all. Because they used my bathroom, were in my bedroom, I thought they may have seen it at some point. I thought maybe I left it at their house. Etc.
ReplyDeleteI think you are taking things way to seriously. Like when I am missing an ring or something I walk around and ask if anyone has seen it. It doesn't mean she's right off the bat blaming you she is just asking a question. I think you took it too far.
ReplyDeleteYou don't know if she asked the rest of the staff.
Hey OP---
ReplyDeleteI understand that when someone that holds power over you, asks you about something... esp. with the "need to talk about it" attitude can seem like an accusation, but I agree with the first poster--- just make yourseld vulnarable (sp?) and tell her how it felt, and I hate to say it but may be apologize for the reaction you had at first. I think (in SOME cases, making yourself vulnarable seems t soften the air....
hope I am makig sense! Hang in there... you know you didn't take it... Ill bet it is under a dresser/ bed or sucked up into the vac!
She didn't accuse you of anything. She simply asked you if you had seen it. maybe she left it somewhere and you had seen it? When i misplace something in my home, I ask the other people who live here if they have seen it. it doesn't mean I am accusing them of anything, just asking for an extra pair of eyes.
ReplyDeleteit's not like she came up to you and said 'what did you do with my ring?" . And, if she asked you, then she asked everyone. As someone else said, what is she supposed to do? not mention it at all? Maybe someone would say, oh yeah, I saw it laying by the toilet.
Emily makes a great suggestion.
ReplyDeleteI would also like to offer that she is entitled to ask. :)
I like Emily's suggestion too.
ReplyDeleteMy employer recently "suggested" I read her "papers" laying around the house and I am still devastated about that, even pissed off that after so long, she still doesn't 'know me"
I let it slide this time but there is still some resentment.
Talk to her to avoid the resentment because harboring a grudge doesn't help you in your job environment.
I think you are overreacting. She could have asked everyone if they had taken it or seen anyone take it. I'm sorry they are completely absent from their kid's lives but I honestly don't think her asking you even relates to that.
ReplyDeleteBut if you enjoy working for them and they are good to you I honestly wouldn't think they were trying to accuse you or anything. She had probably decided to ask everyone. Maybe someone could even say, yes I saw it on the kitchen counter and put it back over there or something like that.
Also, she didn't ask you if you took it, just if you had seen it. I have been asked if I knew where things were before and I don't take offense, I know that they are just asking me because honestly sometimes I have seen something lying around or know where it is. One time they lost a bracelet and I was able to find it. I think she was just asking you. She was probably shocked that you got so offended.
she asked if you took it. you told the truth. let it go. the woman is missing something from her house. she has every right to ask anyone in her house.
ReplyDeleteI understand that you're upset that she accused you. but I need to know more info.
ReplyDelete1. how do you know she didn't ask everyone who is staffed at her house the same question
2. why do you think you're entitled to trust?
I'll elaborate on 2, people always get offended when someone questions their integrity because they know themselves to know they would not do such a thing. But if this lady is never home, then she doesn't know you that well!!
If I had a nanny and missing a ring, you bet your ass I would at least ask her about it. Just in case. And it didn't sound like she was mad about it and she quickly apologized about it too once you said no.
and if she has more then one person employed in her home, maybe she was asking if you knew who did take it and not just pointing the finger at you. after all you said she asked you if you knew anything about it. that can be taken as "i think you did it" or "do you know anything about it". I guess its hard to tell because you are the only one who heard her tone of voice.
good luck, keep the job, sounds like a good one, kid wise.
I think you should trust your instincts and if you thought she was accusing you, it probably was her tone and manner. I would personally tell her how hurt you felt and that you would never ever steal from her home. Be sincere and if she is a good woman she will understand.
ReplyDeleteI don't get it...she trusts you to take care of her most beloved treasures, her children, yet...maybe dosen't trust you with her belongings...that dosen't sit right with me. What is more important here?
To those who say employers have a right to ask, yes, but tact, people, tact. If your employee feels you think they may have stolen, your relationship will be permanently damaged.
ReplyDeleteOP, I don't think you are over reacting. If your description is accurate, it sure sounds like an accusation to me.
If she had said, I have misplaced my sapphire ring, could you please keep an eye out for it? That would not be an accusation. It would sound more like she hopes maybe you found it on the kitchen counter yesterday, and forgot to tell her where you put it.
What is wrong with you people? Every problem that arises you all want to quit. In case you haven't noticed, people are losing their jobs rapidly these days due to the slump in the economy. You never make any rash decisions while you are upset. My dear just take a deep breath for a second and get your thoughts together. Believe me I know it hurts like hell to have someone approach you with that sort of thing. Yep "sorry" doesn't take out the sting but you just said that basically that was one isolated incident. If you go to that lady demanding an apology she may just show you the door because you are dispensable. You see yourself as being very important to the children which you are but this is just a job my dear, just business. You would not do this job for free so again it is just business. The kids value you as would many others but you need to realize that confronting this lady won't be the solution as she would just be even more annoyed. The relationship will never be the same either way so just leave it alone. Be very respectful and kind to her as if nothing happened. I assure you she will notice over time and come to you. You cannot seek out to "straighten out" your employer regardless of what anyone tells you. All you can do is use this as a lesson, double up on your savings and realize this is business and that one day you will be gone, the kids will eventually forget you and so will they. The important thing is that you remain decent and secure a glowing recommendation on paper in the event you need to leave and something else happens you would have had a glowing reference prior. Again hush hon. I know how you feel. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteWhyCan'tISayWhat'sOnMyMind
ReplyDeleteI love you, Mrs. Doubtfire! Awesome advice!
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