Received Wednesday, October 8, 2008 - Perspective & Opinion
Hi, I have a bit of a vent/need for opinions. I'm a working mother of one little girl. My daughter is almost 3 and I have a part time nanny (3 1/2 days a week). This is the only nanny we have ever had, we hired her when my daughter was 4 months old. I love our nanny as does my husband and of course our little girl. Since she has been with us for so long (over 2 years) her and my daughter have a fantastic bond. I allow my nanny a lot of "privileges" I only go into the office 2 days a week and I work from home 2 days a week. I am home with my nanny half the time that she is working. She is a graduate student so I of course allow her to do homework while my daughter is sleeping (I encourage it) and I also don't mind if her and my daughter go out on her personal errands. My daughter loves "shopping" whether it be a quick CVS run, the grocery store or even the bank its all "shopping" to her. I allow my nanny to go to the gym during working hours as well and let her take my daughter to the gyms daycare. None of this bothers me when they go out I rarely ask where they are going. I trust my nanny and I know that she loves my daughter and I know she takes good care of her. My nanny has become a member of my family and when we lose her at the end of May 2009 (she will graduate and get a job in her career field) we will miss her dearly. My nanny and I have lunch together with my daughter on the days I am working from home and we talk, I would like to think of us as "friends" there is only about 6 years between us. I was talking to a co worker about her new nanny and she was telling me how they don't leave the house and the nanny cannot have anyone over even during naptime and how she leaves her a list of household chores. This kind of surprised me! I asked my co worker if she will allow her nanny to take her children out in the car once she has gotten to know her better and she said no way and then was shocked at how much "freedom" I give my nanny. She sort of gave me an attitude and was acting like I was the worst mother in the world for not "caring" what my daughter does all day (her words). Meanwhile my daughter can talk now so she tells me how they went to the park or to the play area at the mall or out to lunch with the nanny and her boyfriend (who I have met SEVERAL times and love) or with her mother. So its not like the nanny tells me all these stories about what they do all day my daughter tells me herself. Am I crazy for trusting my nanny so much? Like I said this is her third year with us, I've met almost her entire family, I've met her boyfriend several times and her brother has even done construction work on my home. She's a fantastic young woman, extremely put together, very responsible (she's missed 2 days of work in over 2 years, once because her grandmother died and once when there was a bad ice storm). Does anyone else have this kind of relationship with their nanny? Frankly I love this woman and want to keep her around for as long as I can so if her taking my daughter to the gym (where she plays with other children and gets to see "different" toys) makes her happy why not? Of course in the beginning I didn't allow them to go out but once my daughter was older I felt the house could be boring 4 days in a row so they gradually starting leaving the house. If my nanny has errands to do why not do them during working hours if she can? Also my nanny has always gone above and beyond. She is not required to do any housework but she always cleans the kitchen, folds laundry, empties the dishwasher etc and when we tell her its not necessary she says well I was "bored" while the baby was sleeping. I'm rambling now! What do you all think?
OP,
ReplyDeleteYou need to stop second-guessing yourself. You are a wonderful employer/mom and you have a wonderful nanny. And this...erm...lady who implied that you and your nanny are anything but should not be taken seriously.
Trust yourself and breathe easy. You are not crazy, just human: and irritated by ignorant people, which I can totally understand!
OP Trust your instincts!
ReplyDeleteWe have a young lady that takes care of our four year old 1-2 days a week, is finishing her degreee and works part time for a daycare. She Plays school with my daughter and They both do her homework. She has taken her shopping for wedding dresses! (that may have been a mistake--my daughter still talks about all the princess dresses and all the giggles and wants to go again and again :)
She asked me for a schedule and I told her a general framework and I told her you are incredibly bright and talented I'm sure the two of you will work it out!
No it's not traditional and nor do I care. She loves my daughter and I trust that she is in the best of care. Any time that I have come home unexpected--I find funny games and wild giggles!
OP you like me have a gem...Thank your stars and ignore the naysayers
Echoing the sentiment of the previous commentators, I say trust your instincts and do what makes you, your daughter, and your nanny happy.
ReplyDeleteI'm a nanny for infant twins, and I would go insane if I had to spend all day in the house or yard with them. I feel so fortunate that their parents understand that and trust me implicitly. I have the keys to their minivan and essentially free reign during the day. I take the babies out almost every day-- to the mall, out to lunch with a friend or other nanny in the neighborhood (with instructions from my employers to charge it on their credit card), to walk around town, to parks, etc. If I have to run an errand, I take the babies. People around town recognize us because we're there so often. It kills some time during the day and the boys get fresh air and stimulation. My boss also mentioned the other day that she's signing the family (and me) up for a membership at a new indoor family gym/activity place that includes free childcare while you use the facility.
Most people are shocked at how lenient my employers are, especially given that I'm responsible for two infants, but it WORKS for us! I'm happy and completely enjoy every single day (well, almost! :) ) and the kids are in great hands-- healthy, happy, well adjusted. I don't see why anyone would take issue with that!
I think yor attitude is great. A child shoud grow up doing normal everyday things like the grocery shopping and shopping for clothes and going to lunch. These are things you would be doing with your daughter if you were home with her full time. Your nanny is just giving your daughter a normal view of life. Some people want their children to be raise by a nanny who has to meet higher expectations than the parents expect of themselves. To keep the nanny and child home or always engaged in activities that are planned or scripted give the child a view of life from a box the parents have created.
ReplyDeleteI take m daughter to the playground and swimming and other child centered activities but I also take her shopping at the mall to the grocery store and dry cleaners. We have playdates and even skip naps to hang with friends if we want.
Childhood is about learning and having fun. Why hire a nanny if your are going to monitor her every move and tell her what to do every minute of the day. Let them have fun on their own terms. Most adults can handle the freedom.
OP the above posters have given you fabulous advice. Do not second guess yourself. What works for you may simply not work well for other families.
ReplyDeleteI too have had complete freedom with both of my long term nanny positions. There have even been times where mom and dad beat me home as I am still out with the kids. It sounds like you are a wonderful mom and confident in your choice of nannies. It also sounds like your daughter is very fortunate to have two women in her life who are no doubt great role models for her.
Can I go to work for you when she leaves? All kidding aside you sound awesome! I work for a WAHM who I'm about to quit. She listens in to everything I do/say w/the baby, leaves me lists of chores to do when he naps and only lets me take him for walks in the stroller. Nothing else. When we get out and go for our walk, I stay gone for 2 hours. There's a park w/a pavillion and we'll hang out there until next naptime if it doesn't rain. Oh to work for someone like you....
ReplyDeleteYour nanny sounds wonderful, and you have done your job to ensure that your daughter is in good hands!
ReplyDeleteThe gym daycare bit makes me ookie, but if you have checked it out and approve, you are the expert on what's best for your child!
It sounds more like you have a family member or close family friend caring for your child rather than a paid employee. We should all be so lucky.
OP, I think your friend was being rude to you. Sounds like you have hit the jackpot and have a nanny that you are so comfortable with she has become a seamless part of the family. I think its wonderful that you, the nanny, and your daughter have the kind of relationship you do. Micro-managing parents could learn from you. When you treat people (in this case, your nanny) with respect it usually comes back to you.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteYour co-worker is basing that on her feelings, but yours are different, and that's fine. When I was a nanny in Boston years ago I had complete freedom with my charge, who was 6 and perfectly capable of telling her mother what we were doing all day. We took the T all over, spent time downtown, etc., and it was never a problem. Heck, she even came to OH with me for a week to stay with me and my family and had the time of her life!
ReplyDeleteI think your instincts are telling you that you have a wonderful nanny who loves your daughter and is a good fit for your family, and with any luck her replacement will be much the same. You sound wonderful to work for, good luck to you AND your nanny!
Pls don't listen to your overbearing co-worker.
ReplyDeleteYou are like many other employers- wonderful and reasonable!
Every situation is dif from family to family. You happen to realise that your nanny has a life of her own- that she has to do food shopping, deposit her checks, get gas, pick up a prescription or just whatever. Why not do this when you work? Its not like she gets a lunch break to do these things then like regular office jobs. Also, more importantly, your child needs to understand that they can't be in a fun class all day- that sometimes they need to be patient in the check out line or when you buy clothes for them. These are healthy day to day things that offer proper stimulation-if they enjoy it, even better! Even something like clothing shopping can be educational at a young age. You can teach them colors, the dif between pants and shorts etc.
Anyways, now I'm rambling.
Don't all of a sudden tell her she can't do these things anymore based on another persons opinion. As long as she balances those things with fun activities, like a museum, pool time, gym class, music class etc your child will continue to be happy.
Good for you for being amazing! Ps. I'd love to use the gym daycare to work out but I just don't know how to ask my employers. :( I only work out for no more than an hour at a time.
It looks like everybody before me here has this one summed up pretty nicely. And since they all seem ot be of one mind, I think you can rest easy and continue living oyur life as you see fit and have been happy with for all this time up until your co-worker so rudely tried ot imply that she is a better mom than you. (Why DO women have to make mothering a contest?!)
ReplyDeleteIt's kind of good that we all have different parenting styles. That way our kids can all be a little bit diffreent and the world won't be boring!
Just do your best job as a parent is my only request.
You DO need to stop second guessing yourself!
ReplyDeleteThis relationship sounds wonderful, and I'm sure many other nannies are wishing they had a situation like this.
Last year I was working for a family with twin boys, I started when the boys were just 2 months old ( and premature) and I left right before they turned 2 years old...( a very hard thing to do I must add). But they allowed me such freedoms as well, such as driving them around. I took them to summer concerts for children, to music classes , to parks, and even the pool.
I have to admit, being able to get out of the house, and not just to walkable distances really made our day better and less limited.
I still make it a point to visit the family weekly.
A Happy nanny, is one who is trusted and treated as a person....not just an "employee"
This sounds exactly like the relationship I had with my previous employers. I was also a grad student, and now that I am moving on in my career, we still keep in touch and I think of them as family. Don't second guess yourself! You sound like an awesome employer, and I can say from experience that a great employer makes life as a nanny a joy!
ReplyDeleteWow. Sounds like you have a great nanny....
ReplyDeletebut maybe not so great a friend.
Sounds like you and your nanny lucked out when you found one another. Don't let anyone try to make you feel anything but good about this wonderful relationship.
Sounds like your daughter is living in the real world and making real relationships along the way. Nanny's do have families and boyfriends/husbands. After 2 years if you had a reason not to trust your nanny's judgement it would have reared its head before now. Count your family lucky that you found the right fit. If I ever get into the nanny biz again I will have so many rules that my employer might wonder who was working for who (just kidding) but their child would definitely be living a life, loved and safe. I have worked as a public school elem. teacher and more recently in a private school. I am about to be an empty nester as my last is off to college next year and would love to take on a child. But I digress, let me state again that it is great that you found such a super fit for your family, don't compare your co-worker's situation with yours. It would be interesting to hear what her nanny had to say about the situation. I bet you have a nanny more willing to bend for you in other areas.
ReplyDeleteIf it ain't broke....
ReplyDeleteOP the only thing I would be aware of is boyfriends. We have a rule about unrelated men being with the kids.
I was/am a SAHM and my kids have been to the grocery store, CVS, the gym... everywhere I needed to go. It's called LIFE. They don't need to be protected from it.
Oh, and the people who are telling you you're wrong, stop asking for their opinion.
Thank you so much for all your comments! You have all said was I was thinking all along so thanks for the reassurance! I know that I am very lucky because my nanny does love my daughter and I know she looks at it as more than a "job". She is always coming up with fun things to do with my daughter that I hadn't even thought of. For example once she took her to her moms house and they planted flowers all morning. My daughter talked about it for weeks. Someone mentioned concern for the boyfriend issue. In the beginning I was skeptical of allowing the boyfriend over my house so the first few times he came when my nanny was watching my daughter at night and he came after she was sleeping. After we met him a few times we allowed him to come when my daughter was up and they have even met him for outings. He's a great guy and my daughter thinks he's great too. She always talks about him and how "the boy loves to go to the swings with me!". They had already been dating for 4 years when she started working for us and were living together so it was an established relationship and I do trust her judgment. As far as the gym daycare I have a friend who goes to that gym and her daughter goes to that daycare sometimes and my friend assured me it was clean and safe. Anyway, you ladies are right this co worker is just trying to make me doubt myself and I know that this nanny is the best for my family. Its a real blessing when your child is excited to see her caregiver and certainly gives me piece of mind to know my baby is safe if I can't be with her. Thanks again!
ReplyDeleteOP I think it is great you have that relationship with your nanny! I am not a nanny but I have been baby-sitting the same children for almost 9 years (the oldest is 9) and I take them out all the time. I would go crazy if we were in all the time and it lets us have fun. I think it is up to you and your daughter tells you what she does. I don't find a problem with the gym daycare because she is getting to socialize, which is one of the things that kids who stay home with their moms or nannies do not always get to do and to learn sharing. I think it if works for you then that is fine.
ReplyDeleteIf it feels right, it probably is. Especially with how open your relationship is with her. I like to believe that most people, when trusted, will act more trustworthy.
ReplyDeleteMy relationship with one of my employers in particular was how you describe your relationship. It was wonderful in every way. She trusted me to take excellent care of her son, and in whatever ways I felt was appropriate (outings, classes, playgroups, etc.) I trusted her to trust me, if that makes sense, and absolutely valued it at all times. Now that I have my own baby, we still visit and call and I look up to her as a role model for my life. Having her as a friend as well as an employer was one of the biggest positive examples of my life, and I am totally grateful.
So again, if it feels good, it probably is. Relax, and enjoy the good.
I think that is exactly how a nanny/family relationship should be. you want someone you like and trust to take care of your kids. someone you love! its weird at first when you first hire someone, because you're getting to know eachother and so forth, but if i had kids and had a nanny I would totally want someone who I can trust and love on top of that. I think the nanny should be FRIENDS with the family, not just the children.
ReplyDeletenannies are not slaves, and that is how your co worker seems to be thinking. you seem like a great employer. I'm glad your nanny gets all those freedoms (I do with the family I nanny for now) and it'd be a lot different if your daughter was bored during them, but you say that she loves them, so I see no problem with the errands. your co worker just seems like a different type of employer, more strict and orderly. I'd much rather work for someone that I enjoy being around and that I know trusts me and won't get mad for silly little non sense like going to the bank or Target. (which, target is something i know my charges love!)
so you are NOT doing anything wrong at all. you're doing great and I think its awesome you have a great relationship with your nanny. It seems like a great fit.
Don't second guess because others haven't found the right nanny like you did from the start. When I was younger, I had the same sort of relationship with a family.. I still think fondly of them and hope they realize how much their trust and support helped me.
ReplyDeleteOnly you know your daughter and your family and what works for you. Kids don't need to have educational activites all the time- there are way too many moms (like your co worker) who think they should. A nanny and a almost 3 year old can have a lot of fun together- even while doing a little shopping. As a mom, I can do those things, so obviously a good nanny could too.
Stick with your gut- you know what's best for you.
I think you are a lucky employer with a very lucky nanny.
ReplyDeleteI think that the situations sounds like its ideal for the both of you! I was a nanny for the same family for 4 years and had a very similar relationship with my "family" I was never required to check in, let them know my schedule, etc. It worked extremely well for us and we were all comfortable with the situation. As long as you are confidant that your daughter is getting the best care don't second guess yourself!
ReplyDeletei agree with everyone else.
ReplyDeletei also wonder about your "friend's" motives. IF you were to fire the nanny b/c of the "doubts" your "friend" put in your head, how fast would she snap her up as an employee?
Obviously that's not going to happen, but it's something to think about!
Everything sounds great and normal to me...except the gym part! No way! I'm a nanny and I think that's insane! Do you even know what kind of ppl work in those daycare settings? (sorry to stereotype...) And you are paying her to work out and have someone else watch your daughter?? I mean, Maybe if she was your nanny like 70 hours a week, but come on, 3 1/2 days?? She can find her own time to workout!
ReplyDeleteI think you have the perfect Nanny/Parent relationship...something that is not so easy to come by these days.
ReplyDeleteKudos to you for being a wonderful employer.
OP. You are a wonderful employer to this nanny! Don't second guess yourself. I have a bond like this with the family I nanny for.
ReplyDeleteI haven't yet read all the comments but here goes: OP, yoour coworker has a "new" nanny. Does this mean it is her first nanny? If so, her nervousness is natutal, and she is very right to be overly protective AT FIRST, but YOU have a firmly established fantastic relationship with your nanny, and that is one reason she does such a great job for your family. Your coworker's nanny won't stay around long if she is never allowed to leave the house, and I am guessing this is the woman's first child and the baby is under a year old if she thinks that a child will easily tolerate being kept inside for 8+ hours a day all day every day. So no, you are NOT doing anything wrong. Just explain to your coworker the trust and the stable relationship of mutual respect that you have with your nanny and when her nanny quits, she will either scratch her head and wonder why, or "get it" and do better by the next nanny.
ReplyDeleteCaught up now. Yes, there is PLENTY of opportunity for education while out and about, at CVS, the bank, walking down the street, etc. What colors do you see? Do you know what letter that is? Look at the picture on that sign, what do you think it means? Can you count the tires on that car?
ReplyDeleteTo a young child, practically EVERYTHING is interesting. And going to stores and banks creates the perfect opportunity to learn proper MANNERS in such places. I am constantly apalled by kids I see running and screaming through stores, playing tag, crashing into people by accident, screeching for their parents from 100 yards away with no idea where the parents are, knocking things out of place and not putting anything back, etc.
i think that this is the only way to be, as a nanny myself, this is how my employer and i work. i am from a different state and so she is one of my closest friends here in NY. trust that you are doing the right thing!!!
ReplyDeleteI am a nanny and I can tell you from experience how wonderful it is when a family treats you as one of their own. I work for two families and one family treats me like you do your nanny and the other thinks of me as merely their servant. As much as I love the kids, I dread going to the second family's home.
ReplyDeleteSo don't let that other lady make you feel bad. You have obviously made your nanny feel welcome and love her job and your family loves her in return. Your child is safe and happy and you and your husband are happy with her. That is all that matters.