Received Friday, October 24, 2008. - Perspective & Opinion
Ok, so I'm sure I will get a lot of flack for this, but here goes... Has anyone ever had a nanny SO good she makes you feel like you don't do a good enough job as a mother? I have an amazing nanny who is kind, loving, take charge and just knows what to do and needs very little direction from me or my husband. She's been with us for 2 years and all of our needs are thought of in advance and she just pulls everything together. All uniforms washed and sports bags packed, perfect lunches made etc.
I know we are truly blessed but the thing is my kids think life cannot run without her. She recently took a week of vacation and my daughters nearly worried themselves sick that I could not take care of their various uniforms, clothes etc. I do work full time and admit that my nanny knows what clothes they love to have in their drawers on certain days and what their favorites are but I feel like I'm failing them if they have to worry when she's away. I know it's just my feelings of inadequacy but I was just wondering if anyone else ever had this problem and how they deal with these feelings. Thanks!
I don't know why you think anyone would give you grief over this. I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal! I believe any time another woman steps up to take on a "mothering" role to our children, there are some feelings of inadequacy, especially if they are taking great care of our children.
ReplyDeleteI don't get that you are jealous.. at least I hope not. But as long as your kids know that you love them, there is nothing wrong with having another wonderful person in their life to help you care for them.
If it would make you feel better, sit down with them and tell them that you want to be a little more involved with their likes and dislikes, etc... and as long as your doing your best, don't feel bad!
Clothes are not overly important things, so I wouldn't worry about them too much, perhaps it's a good time to tell your daughters that they need to step up and take on a bit more responsibility while nanny is away.
ReplyDeleteBut, my questions to you is: does it stop at clothes? Do you know who your kids' best friends are? What games they like to play? Who their favorite teachers are? Favorite foods? These are questions a judge presiding over a custody battle would ask. It's important that you KNOW your children, and if the nanny's competence is allowing you to not know your children, you should feel inadequate and you should rectify the situation.
the mrs. wrote a great post and I agree...although I think that I personally might be a little jealous if it were me...so don't feel too terribly bad if a twinge of jealously surprises you now and then.
ReplyDeleteThe most important thing, though, is your kids, and it sounds like they are getting excellent care from a wonderful nanny and are very happy. That's great! Even though seeing somebody else doing such an excellent job in "your role" may sting a bit and make you wonder if you yourself could do as well, it sounds like you are a mom who really cares about her kids, so I'm sure you would feel much, MUCH worse if the nanny was lacking in any area than you do about feeling a little displaced.
And here's a little secret...shhhhhhh. Even full time SAHMs feel ineadquate. I think it's just a feeling that comes built into this mom job. Even when we're exhausted from running from morning to night trying to be the best moms we can, there are things we just can't get to, or something the mom next door does better than we do.
I love the mrs' idea about making some time to become very, very familiar with those things that are important to your children...what goes in the gym bag, and what cxlothes they like on certain days, etc. Not only will it make you feel better, but those are the kinds of things that make your relationship a little closer. They may seem like insignificant things in the scheme of life, but to your daughter, having that certain sweater on a certain day is sometimes "life and death" in her little world...and knowing that you will have it there for her let's her know that you know and understand how she feels, even about the little things. Does that make sense?
Feel blessed that you have someone who takes good care of everything. Frequently nannies are more of a parent than their own and that is what they are paid to do.
ReplyDeleteI too packed my previous 3 charges bags and lunches without mom saying a word ever. It only takes a couple of times to get it perfect. Later I cared for 2 children whose mom was so unorganised if her head wasn't screwed on she would of had lost it. She would call me on Sat mornings and ask where things where.
Perhaps all i can advise you to do is to participate in things later at night when you are home. Look through each childs swim, gym ,ballet, soccor etc bag and write down what should be in each if you can't remember. So next time your childrens bags need packing you can say: i packed this this and this. let me know if you need anything else. Or even ask your nanny for a little personal time to tell you what they like.
Ask your kids what they love for lunch and what they dislike. Ask your nanny to perhaps leave you tips on what the kids liked/didn't if you really need to. If sure she'll be flattered. just don't make it a chore for her.
This is not something to worrry about.
You are still their mom. You will always be their mom. As much love we put into our job, we will never be their mom. We will someday leave and you will still be there. Be thankful you have a great nanny who can anticipate everyone's needs. She won't be with you forever so cherish her while she's there.
ReplyDeletedon't worry about it - she gets PAID to be that good - plus she is not with them 100% of the time - it's much easier to have patience - but I think that money is the motivator.
ReplyDeleteGreat comment, nomdeplume. My thoughts exactly, only better expressed.
ReplyDeleteThanks, mom. Coming from you, that is the height of compliments! ;)
ReplyDeleteSounds like an awesome nanny! Trust me, it'd be better to have her then some neglectful slacker. I can understand your feelings. I would try to look at it from a different stand point. Your nanny handles all the house stuff so that you have that much more time to spend w/ your kids. Sure, she knows little things that you don't know, but that's 10 more minutes here or there where you can do something meaningful w/ your kids, like play a board game, or go see a movie. Take advantage of having a great nanny and start spending some valuable one-on-one time w/ your kids. They'll remember YOU in their adult lives and what you DID do with them! Not whether or not their favorite outfit was washed. (Not undermining nannies here, I am one, just stating to the Mom what she can do to feel more validated).
ReplyDeleteIn my years as a nanny, here is one thing I have observed. Working women who are loving involved moms tend to have excellent nannies. You have insured that your children have wonderful care when you aren't there. If the nanny takes care of clothes and lunches, that leaves you more quality time with your children. You could explain that to them. They may be too young to appreciate that now, but they will eventually. They will not remember who packed their gym bag, but rather who cuddled and read to them before bed.
ReplyDeleteManhttan Nanny, you were right on the money about the working moms who were involved, loving having excellent nannies.
ReplyDeleteI tell my charge: "Mommy loves you so much that she wanted to find you the very best out there, so she gave you me. "
whoever says that the motivation for the nanny to work so hards is an idiot, would you work without paid? i dont think so, a well paid nanny is happy in her job, a badly paid one finds another job, deal with it!
ReplyDeleteThanks for all of your kind words. We made it through the nanny free week unscathed. It gave me a whole new appreciation of what Vanessa does and I'm thankful for it. The amount of thought she puts into the "little" things that go on here is amazing and show that she truly loves my girls (and they're preteens so that's not always easy). I know now the daily things they prefer and feel a bit better. Definitely choosing the person I did to stand in for me when I am not there was the best decision for them I could have made. I hope they look back on their years with her and remember they had two moms who loved and cared for them.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand you! Although I'm not a mom, I'm an au pair, I'm always worried something like that will happen to my hosts.
ReplyDeleteMy hosts are amazing and so are the kids. I love them so much it hurts me that I'm leaving at the end of the year.
Anyway, I spend a lot more time with the kids during the week then their parents, so I happen to know a few things about what they like or dislike. If they need someone to reach something high they call me sometimes and not their parents. They love me and tell me that all the time, which always makes me feel great and makes me wanna do a better job.
Today the little boy said they would die if I was not here to care for them because they wouldn't have any food. It was only a child's interpretation of how important it is to have someone here. He does not think mom or dad would let this happen, he ust cannot comprehend something so complex. He can only see that mom and dad have to work and I'm here to care for them while that happens.
Kids understand a lot about roles, but not about what is behind all of that. Mom and dad love them unconditionally. But it is the role of the nanny to care for their clothes. They cannot grasp the concept that you are the one hiring the nanny and showing her what and how to do things at your house. That only shows they understand her role as the one who does that when they need it.
I hope you don't feel too bad about it, because at the end, what really matters is that you are the mom and they will never love anyone more than they love you. They will never even appreciate anyone more than they appreciate you. And when they grow up they will remember with love of their nanny, but they will love you even more for putting in their lives such loveable person. One day they will understand how things wok and will be able to show you that.
Take care.
:o)