I was at Walden Park yesterday, 8/18 and witnessed a child being treated kind of bad by his nanny. If I were the parent of this child I certainly would want to know what was going on. I spoke to two other mom's at the park who agreed she was not appropriate so that I can be sure it wasn't just my judgment. She was mean to him and not at all quiet about it. Things like, he fell off the play structure and instead of helping him up she yelled, "see what happens? I told you not to climb up there" and then put him in a timeout for doing it. Then about 3 minutes into the time out, she out of the blue looks at him and says sternly, "you just sit there until I say you can get up!" Then she turned to the little girl, that she was especially sweet to, and said "Ari has to sit in a time out because he is a BAD boy." Cringe! The worst was when he had his last chance to behave and he didn't, she said, "ok Ari, we are going home now" and then without pause, starts walking away and saying "bye" like she was going to leave without him. He of course started crying and she was just grinning as she walked toward the parking lot. The only information I could pick up was that his name was Ari and he was 3 and 1/2. He seemed as if maybe he was a bit autistic or developmentally slow, just by what I saw of his communications with her. The other child she was watching (might have been hers) was a little girl named Reagan who was probably 1 and 1/2. That is about all I have. If any of this sounds familiar please, please, help me get in touch with this little boy's parents. I can say without any hesitation that not one mom would want this woman as a nanny if they saw how she was with this little boy. It probably doesn't come off as significant in a posting, but you can trust me that she was not at all nice to this boy.
Tuesday
Ari at Walden Park in Walnut Creek, CA
Received Tuesday, August 19, 2008.
I was at Walden Park yesterday, 8/18 and witnessed a child being treated kind of bad by his nanny. If I were the parent of this child I certainly would want to know what was going on. I spoke to two other mom's at the park who agreed she was not appropriate so that I can be sure it wasn't just my judgment. She was mean to him and not at all quiet about it. Things like, he fell off the play structure and instead of helping him up she yelled, "see what happens? I told you not to climb up there" and then put him in a timeout for doing it. Then about 3 minutes into the time out, she out of the blue looks at him and says sternly, "you just sit there until I say you can get up!" Then she turned to the little girl, that she was especially sweet to, and said "Ari has to sit in a time out because he is a BAD boy." Cringe! The worst was when he had his last chance to behave and he didn't, she said, "ok Ari, we are going home now" and then without pause, starts walking away and saying "bye" like she was going to leave without him. He of course started crying and she was just grinning as she walked toward the parking lot. The only information I could pick up was that his name was Ari and he was 3 and 1/2. He seemed as if maybe he was a bit autistic or developmentally slow, just by what I saw of his communications with her. The other child she was watching (might have been hers) was a little girl named Reagan who was probably 1 and 1/2. That is about all I have. If any of this sounds familiar please, please, help me get in touch with this little boy's parents. I can say without any hesitation that not one mom would want this woman as a nanny if they saw how she was with this little boy. It probably doesn't come off as significant in a posting, but you can trust me that she was not at all nice to this boy.
I was at Walden Park yesterday, 8/18 and witnessed a child being treated kind of bad by his nanny. If I were the parent of this child I certainly would want to know what was going on. I spoke to two other mom's at the park who agreed she was not appropriate so that I can be sure it wasn't just my judgment. She was mean to him and not at all quiet about it. Things like, he fell off the play structure and instead of helping him up she yelled, "see what happens? I told you not to climb up there" and then put him in a timeout for doing it. Then about 3 minutes into the time out, she out of the blue looks at him and says sternly, "you just sit there until I say you can get up!" Then she turned to the little girl, that she was especially sweet to, and said "Ari has to sit in a time out because he is a BAD boy." Cringe! The worst was when he had his last chance to behave and he didn't, she said, "ok Ari, we are going home now" and then without pause, starts walking away and saying "bye" like she was going to leave without him. He of course started crying and she was just grinning as she walked toward the parking lot. The only information I could pick up was that his name was Ari and he was 3 and 1/2. He seemed as if maybe he was a bit autistic or developmentally slow, just by what I saw of his communications with her. The other child she was watching (might have been hers) was a little girl named Reagan who was probably 1 and 1/2. That is about all I have. If any of this sounds familiar please, please, help me get in touch with this little boy's parents. I can say without any hesitation that not one mom would want this woman as a nanny if they saw how she was with this little boy. It probably doesn't come off as significant in a posting, but you can trust me that she was not at all nice to this boy.
I can tell that you were kind of guarded when you made this sighting. Asking other mom's their opinion of the situation was smart. I know I second guess myself sometimes, but only because I would be sensitive to seeing another caregiver just raise their voice or yell at a child.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that bugged me the most? Telling a child "they are bad" when they misbehave. Because then they might actually start believing they are a bad person overall and it could hurt their self-esteem.
Hopefully the parents will see this and step in to make sure their child is safe and find someone else to take care of him.
No one should ever tell a child that they are bad.
ReplyDeleteHow can a little child be bad? They may do things that are not nice, but they are not bad.
Any nanny or parents who says that really ought to think twice about what they are saying.
I afree telling a child he /she is bad is wrong and if I ever saw my nanny smile because she is punishing my kid I would be pissed.
ReplyDeleteSounds like she doesn't like the little guy. Hope the parents read this!
It is difficult to find a good nanny that they care really about the kids and proper attitude must be sought for also for they affect the children's upbrining.
ReplyDeleteThat is really sad! I agree, you should never tell a kid he/she is bad, and I'm sure the parents of this child would not approve of her behavior. Let's just hope they either read this or catch her treating him in this way.
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ReplyDeleteHe climbed up the climber, lost his balance, fell and the nanny yelled at him, and put him in a time out? For doing things that 3 year olds do, such as climbing? Sounds like someone doesn't know anything about child development.
ReplyDeleteShe sounds just like i do with boys, I don't think they should learn.
ReplyDeleteI tell my step-son don't touch that it's hot. He does it anyway. I look at him and say "what did you learn?"
It is a different way of parenting. But it is not her kid and that is the only thing I see wrong with it. Some kids need to learn the hard way and when they do something you told them not to and get a boo boo, well that their fault and probably will think twice before they do it again.
I remember once my dad lit a match and showed it to me. I was really little and thought it was pretty, decided to touch it and quickly pulled my hand away becuse it was hot. Well I was afraid of matches until I was 15. Lessons learned.
okay I need to preview my comment before I post. My first sentene doesn't make any sense and I don't even know what I was trying to say.... wow
ReplyDeleteI'd hate to see that myself
ReplyDeletePhoenix,
ReplyDeleteIt's a lot easier to be black and white with a child when you are not totally in love with him or her.
My dad's wife is like that with kids...and the kids don't think she's warm, friendly, or even particularly nice.
When hurt, no matter whose fault it was, a kid just needs to be comforted and have the wound lovingly treated. "I told you so" (or any variation on that theme) seems pretty cold at a time like that. I think the lesson of cause and effect is probably very obvious to the child at that point...even without having it rubbed in their face. They're kids, for gosh sakes. They're going to make mistakes. Even we adults make mistakes...things we should "know better" than to do...and yet we do them. And how much would you enjoy hearing, "what did we learn from this?" as you feel that your world is crashing in all around you?
May I humbly suggest that you treat your stepson with as much empathy and concern as you can possibly muster? I am not attacking you...but just pointing out my experience with seeing somebody take that tact with kids and how it has turned out in the long run.
Now, that said, I did use the opportunity when my toddler touched a hot iron once to say to him repeatedly, "Hot, hot, hot." I said it while I held his little hand under cold water. I said it as I treated his blister, I said it when I held him as he cried. That was because he didn't know what "hot" was before that. After that day, any time he went to touch something and I said, "hot" he backed away and stayed away. So, I do understand what you are trying to accomplish...just be very careful how you do it. Maybe later, after you have hugged him and kissed and dressed his boo boo and held him for a while you could ask him what he thinks he could do to keep that from happening again. Then he would get the point without feeling blamed, and having the opportunity to "problem solve" on his own.
I have always been that way with kids. but that is probably one reason I won't have any of my own. I don't really have the maternal instict it takes. That is why I can relate to the nanny. She has concern of course for the child but as far as comforting is concerned she could care less.
ReplyDeletei am that way with all kids. I am not your mother so don't think I will hug you. It is a cause and effect issue. I mean lets get real my step-son is 8. he should know when somethings hot. His mother treats him like a baby and holds him and makes the situation much worse. For an 8 year old you can't listen and get hurt - your dumb fault. I am giving him the same treatment his dad does.
But not saying anything in a bad way. I don't have kids of my own and i feel that it would be too much for me. I envy the women who can put up with stuff like children, but to say that I need to mother a child that is not mine.... will not ever happen.
phoenix,
ReplyDeleteyou don't tell your stepson that it's his "own dumb fault" do you?
I understand your point of view. I really do. It takes a certain kind of person to be a stepparent, and not everybody is cut out for it, much less cut out for parenting.
Do you like your stepson? Do you feel any warmth at all towards him? I am not attacking you, it just seems like you dislike having him around. Please tell me if I'm wrong. It is challenging to be a stepparent for so many reasons, I do understand that.
I'm a preschool teacher and if a child ignores my warnings of falling and proceeds to do whatever crazy thing is in their mind and falls, I check them for injuries, I comfort them and tell them I'm sorry that happened but that is why I asked him/her not to run in the treehouse or go down the slide the wrong way or whatever. You don't just sit and scream at them.
ReplyDeletePhoenix said...
ReplyDelete"I don't really have the maternal it takes. That is why I can relate to the nanny."
It is admirable that you not only recognize your lack of maternal instinct, but freely admit it. Too many women have children who shouldn't be mothers.
As for the nanny however, if she doesn't enjoy working with children, and can't feel sympathy for a child who needs comforting and affection, she should NOT be working as a nanny!
Phoenix,
ReplyDeleteI really commend you for recognizing that you aren't warm and fuzzy toward children and, as a result of that, chose not to bring more children into your world.
However, when you married his dad, you accepted a certain amount of responsibility for this little guy who already existed. So its kind of on you now, as a human being, to give this boy as much warmth and love as possible when he is in your home.
Somehow as read your comments I get the feeling that he is sort of a nuisance, and not very dear to either you or your husband...and that maybe he gets more blame than compassion when things go wrong. Really, eight is not that old at all. He's still a little boy, who is at an age wher he needs LOTS of hugs and tenderness. I also get the sense that you feel a certain amount of disdain for his mom...which may taint your feelings toward him. I think you really ought to step up to the plate, despite any negative feelings you may have about the child, and treat him as you would want to be treated if you were a small child...especially one trying to cope with a divorce and being divided between two separate households.
This whole story makes me so sad.
I agree, mom. I think that when you marry someone with a child, especially one so small as 8 (still a baby to me, really: eight seems so young to me) you do have a responsibility to be a good stepparent. As I said, this can be challenging, but it is so important. This child did not ASK to have his dad marry you: he did not choose you as a stepmother. He is an innocent victim in whatever hardships occur from the broken relationship. I am by no means saying that second marriages cannot work and that families cannot be joined. But I did get a sense, Phoenix, that you have a lot of distain for your stepson and I just find that really disturbing. As I said before, perhaps I am incorrectly reading into your post. Please correct me if I am wrong.
ReplyDeleteYes Umass, eight is still very young. When I think to when my boys were eight...yes they were at the beginning stages of wanting to be "tough" in front of their friends...but at home they were little, little boys. This is the age my middel son was when he got his first Harry Potter book. And even though he was old enough to read it himself...and was...he wanted me to also read it to him...because he knew I would like it too. So (as was customary when I would read out loud) all three of my kids would come and listen..all of them touching me (yes. even the older son), with one boy leaning into each arm...maybe with a head on my shoulder...and my daughter on my lap, leaning back against my chest. (Those reading times are some of all of our best memories BTW...read to your kids people, if you don't!)And nobody ever got up before I stopped reading. They would stay there for as long as they possibly could. And they (having read the story ahead of where I was) would look expectantly at my face when I would get to " a good part" to see if I was as excited about whatever development was occuring as they had been when they first read it. They were such little boys on the inside...even thought the world was trying to tell them they needed to be tough.
ReplyDeleteI think some parents feel a need to toughen their little boys up "so they won't grow into weenies." But good grief, the world beats them up enough, and forces them to hide their feelings and emotions, starting so early. Shouldn't home be the place where it is safe for them to be who they really are...free to cry, to make mistakes and be forgiven, and to show who they really are inside without fear of being rejected or criticized for being weak? Cause those are the secret fears that men men harbor inside for a lifetime. Makes me so sad to think about. Give the little guys a safe place to work on those things as they grow, and maybe they won't be as riddled with secret feelings of failure down the line.
I am not sure how bad the nanny exactly is, OP, but I noticed that you said that she was really sweet with the little girl. If she is treating children differently, this could have long-lasting effects on the whole family/sibling relationship. I really hope the parents see this.
ReplyDeleteI do have bad feelings towards his mother for 1. she kidnapped the child for 4 years from his father and took him to Mexico 2. she wants me to pay for everything because I make the most money. 3 she has at multiple occasions tried to get back together with my husband.
ReplyDeleteAs far as my parenting towards the child. Both my husband and the mother stated that I don't need to be involved in his parenting, that I should only be there for financial support.
i don't know about any of you but that would make you have bad feelings towards anyone.
My husband loves his son, I do not agree with some of the parenting skills and punishments that he uses. (but i am not allowed to say)
At first I wanted to be a step-mother when we got him back nearly three years ago, but I was told that the role of "mom" is taken.
I do thank you all for understanding that i don't have the maternal capability. Even telling people this they still want me to have children. People say it'll be different when it's your own child.... but what if it's not?
Phoenix: definitely do not have kids at this time. It is good that you see you are not the mothering type right now. However, do not count it out: people change and so do their hopes and desires. Someday, if you want to, you may very well be a spectacular mom.
ReplyDeleteAs far as your stepson is concerned, your situation makes me so sad and angry because I have a close family member who went through the same thing. This family memeber is a wonderful person, but not cut out to be a stepparent. I hear you when you say you are not allowed to parent but at the same time responsible financially: it is also being there for the child and caring for them when you do not make the rules regarding raising said child. It sucks that it can be so impossible and difficult and infuriating, but that is sort of the way it is. It is, dude. Let me tell you: being a steppaparent requires a very, very giving heart and soul. It really does. That is what a stepparent is about, unfortunately for you, and for your stepson since you seem completely unwilling to take on that role.
I do understand if the mom is a real piece of work and a bad influence on her son: that is the case with the family member I mentioned: she is fighting against a current. Luckily, she has a big heart and a kind soul. She finally got through it (the stepchild is grown now.) But please be careful because your relationship or lack thereof with your stepchild can not only effect the child's relationship with dad, but also can effect your own relationship with his dad. I speak the truth. Good luck and also hugs.
How unfair that this child has to be thrown into the middle with a bunch of dysfunctional adults. Phoenix, I can appreciate your honesty, but I can't help but feel bad for this kid. Dad and mom suck. It is what it is. So how come you can't at least be his buddy? His confidant? Someone he could lean on because it really looks as if he has no support system.
ReplyDeleteI'm not saying hugs & kisses, but would it be so hard to be his friend? He needs to know somebody gives a shit.
Phoenix,
ReplyDeleteFirst. I am liking your husband less and less. he actually told you that your sole role is financial? May I ask what you see in this man who allows you to be used financially, refuses to allow you any parenting role, although I assume it is you who takes most care of the child...and apparently leaves you feeling somewhat insecure about the possibility of getting backtogether with the mom? And it sounds ot me like he is cold and uncaring towards his son at times. All of those are huge red flaws and pretty good indications of his overall character.
I too have seen many variations on this theme over the years.
So often I have seen men remarry to women who sort of end up doing the majority of the financial supporting both him and his childcare/child support obligations. MY bro in law did this to three women. The third one went form being financiall stable, with several good investments, and is now practically destitute. YOur husband made a child. I would expect him to earn enough money to support that child.. Period.
I also had a friend who remarried a man with a son and an ex wife who had moved out of state. Meanwhile th emom would pop back into town for th eoccasional meeting wiht dad about which private school their son would atten and what activities he would participate in. Mom and dad would go out to have these meetings and new wife was told her input was not necessary or welcome in making decisions because it wasn't her child. But guess who got to drive all over town all day long taking the child to everything these two planned. And, since they were not doing any driving, they felt free to choose schools and activities that were a considerable distance from home. She grew a lot of resentment for the child...whcih, although I understood, I hated to hear about...because I felt so bad for the little guy, who was a truly sweet child. he had been basically abandoned by his mom (who moved away and had another little boy, and raised him, which this little boy knew about and had to witness first hand when he would go visit them), his dad wa sa workaholic and his stepmom resented him, and was truly immature in how she dealt with that. She told me once that they were arguing one day in a store and th elittle boy blurted out, "You're not my real mom!" And she yelled back at him, "Well, you're not my real kid!" She said he just stopped in his tracks and was silent. She felt she had "won." It still makes me heartsick to think of how that made him feel. I can picture him being stunned with the slap in th eface with what he already realized, and secretly feared she felt about him. She had had other children with the dad by then, so the little boy was the odd man out...and now he knew it for sure. He was such a sweet kid too. Breaks my heart.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteOK, in my defense. This time I sat there and waited and the comment didn't post, so I hit the button again. Ugh!
ReplyDeleteHi Mom
ReplyDeleteDid you mean to post this in the above Thread?
mom,
ReplyDeleteI agree.
with all three of your posts.
hehehheheheh! sorry it was too easy! :)
but in all seriousness, you are right: it is the child who suffers. We have a responsibility to be the grownups and nurture, I agree with you there.
MPP,
ReplyDeleteYes, but only once...not THREE times! I'm sure you and Jane are having lunch to discuss blocking me at this point!
We're talking baout being nice to step kids. This is th eright thread, eh?
O.k.:) Comments are coming in so fast right now, I'm having a hard time keeping up! LOL
ReplyDeleteDon't feel bad, Mom! Comments were coming in a mile a minute there and I got slightly confused, LOL.
ReplyDeleteI don't read the comments as they come in on the Blog. They go to my E-mail, so my computer was going "ding!..ding!..ding!..", LOL.
Mom, or anyone:
ReplyDeleteJust wondering what you think would be an appropriate comment for a stepparent to make when a kid angrily shouts
"you can't tell me what to do.....you're not my real parent!"
Just curious.
Oh gosh, just curious...that's a tough one.
ReplyDeleteI am not a step parent and determined a long while ago that I would not remarry in the event anything happened to my husband, until all of my children were grown and out. At that point I would be too old to marry a man with small children anyway, (Thankfully hubby is alive and well!)This decision was based directly on the desire not to deal with step family issues. I have seen too much and I know how incredibly difficult it is to make that work out well. I think it takes too much from kids...in so many ways. And, although I love kids to death, and I have no doubt I could be perfectly fair...I have fears about whether I could truly LOVE another child as much as I love my own...and I could not live with the guilt of making some poor child live in a situation where he was "less loved," 'cause no matter how hard one tries (and I would try my a@@ off) I don't think that can be totally faked. Maybe I would love them all just the same...but then there is that lingering fear that I might not be able to...and how could I expect some new husband to love another mans kids as much as he loved his own?
So to your question, just curious, I don't know for sure. I haven't spent much time contemplating such scenarios. I suppose I would want to say something to the child like, "I know I'm not your mommy. You have a very nice mommy and I know that she loves you a lot. I love you too and I am trying to take very good care of you because I care what happens to you too. Now, you need to do X, because you know those are the house rules."
Interesting question. I've never been a stepmom, and hope that I never am, just because it would mean that my husband and I would separate at some point, but...
ReplyDeleteI'd probably say something like "I know I'm not your *real* mom, but right now I am doing the mom-job, and part of that job is to help you stay safe/understand why you need to do xxx/get ready for xxx/etc." (Whatever it is you are trying to get them to do). You could elaborate that you are doing the mom job BECAUSE you love them and care about them, or because their real mom is not with them right now and neither is their dad, but they need someone to help them, etc. It would probably vary by the age of the child. I could see a teenager rolling their eyes and responding that they don't NEED anyone to help them.
Just curious, I would answer, and this has to come from the heart, 'I am not your Mom, but I am the real parent who loves you no matter what and will do anything for you. I am also the parent that cares enough to make the rules, etc. that you might not like, but that I know are best'.
ReplyDeleteI think it has to be hard on everyone, adjusting to a blended family. But I am the grown-up and I don't make my child responsible for how I feel, even when what they say/do is inappropriate. "Well, I don't like you either!, You make me so mad!" Those are button-pushing things and we have to try to not get dragged into them.
If I were the child's stepparent, I would never say to the child anything against the child's mom or dad even if they are the worlds biggest ass. I do not think that is right.
ReplyDeleteUmass...that is 100% correct! The kids feel bad enough...and having to choose sides just so that one parent can lok better in the child's eyes, or get "credit" for doing more for the child than th eother parent...that totally sucks for the poor little kids!
ReplyDelete