Received Thursday, February 7, 2008-Perspective & Opinion
Question for mommies: I am a part time nanny working a couple days a week. The family I work for has gone through some recent drama and the kids have been really acting out. I've been working with the mom to get on the same page with tantrums, etc. However, the kids have recently developed severe separations anxiety from their moms, to the point that they actually get angry when I come over. The oldest doesn't speak to me and the youngest has meltdowns over the slightest thing. I have been keeping the mom abreast of everything, but now I really don't think my few hours a week is worth this turmoil. I am seriously considering quitting. My question is, should I be honest about why I'm quitting? Or will that affect my reference?
What's going on? We need to know more. What is happening? What turmoil? Why the seperation anxiety? We need to know this because perhaps it is temporary?
ReplyDeleteWhen I am not a good fit for a family, or they are not a good fit for me I am honest about it in a gentle way. I would say something like No matter what I try it doesn't seem to be working, unless we can come up with a solution, maybe they need another nanny. After all, I don't want the children to be unhappy. That tells the mom you have her kids in mind first and anyone with half a brain would be pleased to give you a great reference.
ReplyDeleteDo you think that by telling her you can help her fix the situation? Telling a mom that her kids are having separation issues, can translate as you saying that she doesn't spend enough time with her kids, however true or false that may be. It is a very sensitive thing to bring up with her.
ReplyDeleteAlso, are you trying to get on HER page with how to deal with tantrums, or did she specifically ask you for help? If not, and you are both doing things your way the kids might be associating the new rules with you, and are taking it out on you unfairly.
Good luck! And either way, ask for a typed or written reference to take with you. If she refuses, you didn't want it anyway.
I seriously doubt you are going to get a good reference if you quit on them at this sensitive time in their lives. Who would give a good reference to someone who quits on them during their hour of need?
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you may or may not be getting a good reference anyway, generally speaking, according to how things are going right now, anyway, because you seem unable to help the kids do better with whatever stressful situation is happening in their lives.
One would hope that if the kids/family are going through a tough time that the time that they spend with nanny is an escape, a pleasant withdrawal from their real world problems that surface when nanny is not there. So, one would hope that time with nanny would be a positive time during this hour of stress and strain.
Good luck anyway. Maybe it would be better if you told us more specific info about the situation.
I think more details would be beneficial also, but she probably has to be careful what she reveals so as not to identify the Family.
ReplyDeleteI agree that if you were to quit in their time of need, you may not get an excellent reference ... if you even get one.
You say you only work a few hours a week, but forget to mention how long you've been with the Family.
If it hasn't been very long ... add 'New Nanny' into their 'Drama Bag', and it's no wonder the kids are having such a hard time.
Are you sure you can't bear it for a little while? Something like this needs time to work itself out.
And even though you say the kids are suffering from 'separation anxiety' ... I think leaving them right now would only make things much more difficult for them, even though you say they are having problems with you.
You are still evidently one of the few contants in their life right now, and they probably need you.
Please try to give it a shot.
During this time of transition, is there any way you could get them away on an outing -- to a park, museum or zoo?
ReplyDeleteOr try a new game or activity?
This could serve 2 purposes. One is it would help to get their mind off of their problem, and it might also endear them to you a little more. Try to get them to laugh a little, have some fun ... I'm sure they need it (and you, too).
I would try to hang in there just a bit longer. If you quit now, you might not get a reference because the mom may feel slighted by it.
Good luck.
OP here--the specifics are this. The child of a family member moved in, who was around the same age as the kids. He had severe behavioral disorders, and punched, bit and generally abused the kids. They wanted to help this child, but they moved him out when they realized that it was affecting their kids.
ReplyDeleteI sat down with the mom to make sure I was following her her guidelines about how to deal with the tantrums and acting out. I should mention that before 2 months ago, I got along great with the kids, and they'd get really excited when I came over.
The parents are great, and have adjusted their schedules as much as possible to be home with the kids. I work less than 8 hours a week.
NOw when I come over, and try to engage the oldest in our usual activities, she will say, "I only want to skate with my mom, I only want to ride bikes with my dad. YOu're not in my family, I don't want to play with you. If I make her a snack, she won't eat it, if I pour her a juice, she won't drink it. Basically they both seem to think I am keeping them from their mom.
The youngest has always been prone to tantrums, but usually comes out of them quickly, and is fine. I'm a pretty experienced nanny and can usually handle any bad behavior. Now she is hysterical and inconsolable to the point that she can't even speak, for much of the time I'm there.
She also makes comments that I am not her family. I have been pretty honest with the mom about what's going on, but i haven't shared the comments about not being in their family, b/c I knew they were just acting out and didnt' really mean it. This past week, I was completely shattered. It was just too much for me. A solid hour of screaming and hatred directed at me.
I'm sympathetic, and have only stayed b/c I know the mom will have difficulty getting someone else given the situation. However, it's been 2 months, and if anything it's getting worse. And for 8 hours a week, and I get home and have to have a few glasses of wine and a hot bath to calm down. I'm getting stomach aches before I arrive at the house. HOpe this helps you give me advice.
OP again, I forgot some things. The mom and I also discussed how she wanted me to talk to the kids about their feelings, and that it's OK to be angry, but not OK to take it out on Nanny, and what she wanted me to say during misbehavior.
ReplyDeleteI actually talked to a friend who is a child & family therapist, and she told me that the kids might feel angry with their parents for inviting that child into their home, but feel like they can take it out on me, b/c they feel safe with me. I keep trying to engage them all day long and bring out games, toys, etc. I don't see anything helping.
It seems like they just hate having me there, though. I feel like a terrible person for wanting to leave.
You're not a terrible person for wanting to leave - it's a bad situation, and it's stressing you enough that you're becoming physically ill over it. It sounds like the mom is on top of things and knows that the kids are having a tough time. Has she spoken to them about their behavior? If she has and it hasn't made a difference, it might be time for family counseling. Tell the mom that you spoke to your therapist friend, suggest that the kids might need to talk to someone outside the family to lighten their emotional load, and offer to stay for another 2 weeks/month/whatever until she finds a replacement for you.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Is this a divorce in progress? Crazy parent? What is happening?
ReplyDeleteWow. Now that you've given a better description of your situation, and it has started to affect you physically ... then yes, you need to leave.
ReplyDeleteI don't see how 8 hrs. a week is much help, so why she only needs you for such a short period, who knows? But I'm sure she can get along fine enough without you.
Please tell her exactly what you said to us. I have empathy for you now. Anytime a job starts to affect your health, it's time to get out.
Let her know you love the kids but they just aren't adjusting well to having you around anymore. Personally, I don't understand why they are taking so much of their aggression out on you ... because you monopolize a couple of their hours away from Mom? No ... there is much more going on here. And it's not your job to find out what it is.
If she refuses to give you a reference, then be honest on your next Interview about what happened. If you're diplomatic about it, and don't insult or say bad things about the other Family (just state the facts), you'll be o.k.
Let us know what happens. Sorry about you're situation.
I agree with MPP.
ReplyDeleteThese kids have some serious emotional problems right now. Something needs to be done for them because they are screaming out in the only way they know how to for help coping with whatever it is they are feeling.
It is not nanny's job to fix this under the circumstances. You sound like a nice person OP, but you're not goping ot make a positive difference in 8 hours a wekk, and you don't deserve the abuse (even if it is coming form kids) or the stress.
Thankfully I have never personally dealt with a situation like this with my kids. But I think I would have had them in counseling YESTERDAY. What you describe is far beyond separation anxiety or a normal reaction to a stressful situation. For two of them to be so severely affected, something very, very bad must have taken place.
Yes, you need to leave. The family needs professional help, family therapy, and until they do something about it, the situation isn't going to change. You should not feel guilty for quitting, because you can't provide the kind of help they need, and meanwhile you are in a hellish situation that is affecting your health.
ReplyDeleteI would ask the mom for a written reference, that way you can see what she says. If she won't give you one, just be honest and explain the situation to prospective employers/agencies.
GL
these kids sound like the typical abused kid, the way that they are lashing out against everyone. i wonder is something more sinister happening. these kids need serious help.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure what is going on in this house, but perhaps OP can call a family member or CPS on the way out. If children are in turmoil, someone needs to step up. The mother was mentioned in the post, she is clearly there and she is not doing it, so however improper it might appear, it is okay to stick your neck out for a child.
ReplyDeleteAll I can suggest is to talk to the mom about maybe having them get some therapy? Even if it's as simple as talking to a school counselor- they're there for a reason!
ReplyDeleteI agree though that you should get out of the situation. If you feel bad about leaving the kids, then a suggestion from my end would be to make them a small photo album, or write a letter to each of them telling them how much you really love them. Don't let them feel like you're leaving because you're angry with them. That's the last thing they need right now. The nanny before me made small scrap books for each of my kids, and they still from time to time look at it, and while they were really hurt when she left at first, now they talk about her fondly and flip through the pages from time to time. It's a great way for them to remember you in a positive light.
Best of luck, and let us know what happens!
I hate to admit this. When I started babysitting I didn't have professional childcare references. So I had my friends pretend that they were my employers. They did a great job, describing what a good employee I was, etc, etc. I got job offers, and I took them.
ReplyDeleteHey, we all had to start somewhere.
ReplyDeleteCan I assume you were young when you did this?
If not - it's a scary thought. But one I'm sure many parents have thought about.
Yes, I was young. And I don't do childcare anymore. Just a thing of the past. Looking back, I should have never done that. I mean what if someone did that to me. Now, that I have my own kids I can see what an idiot I was.
ReplyDeleteAny negative issue involving other peoples child(ren) is a very touchy subject. No one wants to hear that their child is acting out, behaving in appropriately, and/or ((Gasp)) not perfect! I would tread very lightly, choose my words very carefully and take great pains at being polite. I had to leave a job recently because the child was (in all honesty rivaling Satan) but of course I left that part out, and simply said I didn't feel "we were the best fit", he was seeming to have some "anger management problems" and that I had "run out of techniques and options to help him." I was genuinely very concerned for this child and strongly feel he needs some sort of intervention- and would have went into more detail, but his mother was upset enough just to hear that her son was acting out and decided to take her fear and frustrations out on me buy yelling, with hold pay, and not to give me a reference. The truth is, I think she already (no I KNOW) she already knew he had a problem, and I think deep down it hurt her to know that others were also noticing. Oh well, I had enough references prior to her, and am now working with two children that are as close to angels as you can get at 2 and 5!;) Don't stay in a job your are unhappy with, and be prepared before you speak with the mom, put everything in the best possible light, and if she's remotely sane you will most likely still get a reference.
ReplyDeleteWoah Nelly, sorry about some of the last sentences I wrote, I just noticed some huge errors "buy" yelling etc haha...looks like it's past my bad time. (=
ReplyDelete1:08
ReplyDeleteI hope you finally got paid. I hope you didn't just let it go. What did you do?