tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post4922599037057410782..comments2024-03-19T03:27:24.068-04:00Comments on I SAW YOUR NANNY: Discipline Do's or Dont'sLeigh Raymerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18210572527823459842noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-71677568501241324702019-07-16T15:53:13.346-04:002019-07-16T15:53:13.346-04:00I’m new at this and learning. The parents are unco...I’m new at this and learning. The parents are uncomfortable with timeouts at the children’s age (5&3). They are both aggressive with me and each other (hitting, kicking, and scratching). The parents are so exhausted that when the kids start crying or whining they give them what they are whining about. They also don’t have any rest time or nap time so after about 2:00 their behavior gets worse and more whiny. I’ll try to enforce something like apologizing for hitting and the parents will come in and say the children don’t have to apologize as long as they don’t whine. I’m not sure how to reinforce positive behavior with these obstacles or make these kids respect me. I tried to get the child to put on clothes today and he started screaming and scratching so the mom let him walk around naked and his response was “you said I couldn’t but mommy said I could”. Not sure what to do... any advice? Firsttimenannynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-31243519521697979342012-04-24T16:38:01.344-04:002012-04-24T16:38:01.344-04:00I nanny for two little girls ages 4 and 8 and I wo...I nanny for two little girls ages 4 and 8 and I would NEVER spank either one of them. I use time-outs and they work very well for us. If one of them hits me, I get down to their level and explain that they cannot hit me and that they need to use their words. I don't give warnings for hitting, kicking, etc, so right after that I put them right into time-out, which is a corner chair in the kitchen. The 8 year old takes an 8 minute timeout and the 4 year old takes a 4 minute timeout. After the time-out is done, I walk over to them and have them explain to me why I put them into time-out and then they have to apologize to me. After this we do hugs and kisses and go and play. This is what works best for us, but keep in mind that all children are different :)Meghannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-57352834441942956642012-04-16T15:57:08.984-04:002012-04-16T15:57:08.984-04:00If a three year old has escalated to hitting a car...If a three year old has escalated to hitting a caregiver, there is something seriously wrong! Try reading "Children, the Challenge" by Driekurs, I think. Lots of GREAT ideas for teaching yourself discipline methods.Smilenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-21965049156781563962012-04-16T13:25:48.469-04:002012-04-16T13:25:48.469-04:00One thing people need to understand about all thes...One thing people need to understand about all these "techniques" is that each form of discipline acts different on each child. I know kids who would only resond to spanking. I know kids who would only respond to having toys taken away. Some would do well with timeout while others only behaved after you ignored them. Each child is different and responds differently to the types of punishment. Not all children can be dealt with the same way. I think that is a very large part of people's problems when they are raising kids and making judgments about how others parent.Phoenixhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15540701992730212772noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-74272885535901384632012-04-15T17:37:54.197-04:002012-04-15T17:37:54.197-04:00You've already gotten some good advice on how ...You've already gotten some good advice on how to deal with your charge.<br /><br />So my two cents on the spanking debate is this. I thinking spanking can be an effective form of discipline. That being said I would not use spanking as a nanny that my dear is opening up a can of worms for you.Marisolnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-21130881788058259342012-04-15T13:34:53.874-04:002012-04-15T13:34:53.874-04:00I was spanked as a child and it taught me HUGE les...I was spanked as a child and it taught me HUGE lessons. I learned that my parents meant business when they said I was not to do something which I did anyway, etc.<br /><br />It was a great deterrent from repeating any negative behaviors and I do not hold being spanked against my parents.<br /><br />In fact, I hold many other things against my parents as an adult....however spanking is not one of them.Brandynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-10803797265851367032012-04-15T11:48:09.310-04:002012-04-15T11:48:09.310-04:00Nanny S,
Just my opinion, but I would never use fo...Nanny S,<br />Just my opinion, but I would never use food as a form of discipline or reward. It could open the door to an entire host of eating disorders -- trust me.XTCnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-13060436281643374492012-04-15T04:33:00.393-04:002012-04-15T04:33:00.393-04:00In my state, spanking isn't illegal. Doesn'...In my state, spanking isn't illegal. Doesn't matter who you are, it isn't illegal (except for in a daycare setting). What IS illegal is leaving marks on a child. That's an actual injury.<br /><br />I don't spank because I don't find it's highly effective unless it's for something like running into the road, etc, since it would probably just be my immediate instinct to give one firm swat on the bottom and a good speaking to.<br /><br />Generally speaking, I use time-outs for children 2 or older. 1 minute per each year. If that doesn't work, they can sit quietly by themselves until a time that they're sufficiently ready to apologize/explain and move on.<br /><br />For kids under 2, redirection is the best bet. They don't have the attention span to understand sitting for a minute, nor will they usually do it. :P<br /><br />If it doesn't work, continue to take things away. Make the kid sit in its room all day. Give it a book or a puzzle to do quietly, and tell her when she's ready to behave you will do all the fun things you usually do; use her favorite things as suggestions, if she loves to go to the park use it to your advantage.<br /><br />If all else fails, inform the parents of her lack of cooperation and your hesitance to spank and reasoning. Either they need to get it straightened out and make it apparent that if she doesn't listen to you THEY will deal with it, or they need to find someone to address these issues in a more knowledgeable manner.Nanny Jhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02161304771826304798noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-1247411136727917722012-04-15T02:37:59.202-04:002012-04-15T02:37:59.202-04:00I would never, ever spank a child for many reasons...I would never, ever spank a child for many reasons, but the most relevant one here is liability reasons. Imagine this--the three year old has a bruise one day. MB asks her if you spanked her. She says yes. You're fired, among a bunch of potential legal issues. Any nanny who physically punishes a child is, in my opinion, an absolute idiot.<br /><br />For discipline for a 3-year-old, I think it's more important to teach them how to verbalize their feelings and make consequences of actions very clear. Children respond to positive encouragement and praise much better, so saying, "I noticed that you were very upset when I turned off the TV, but you still chose to pick up your toys! That was so good!" If that doesn't work, taking away desserts has been effective for me. I've never found time-outs helpful, I think that they just allow the child's resentment to fester at such a young age, but that's just me. Also bringing the parents into it is much more effective that anything. If the child knows they will be in trouble with the Nanny and THEN mom and dad, it's effective. My current charge (much older) was spitting in my face. I took away all desserts, cancelled her playdates and then when her dad came home, I spoke with him privately and then the three of us talked. In front of me he told her that if it happens again that Nanny will give whatever discipline needed, and when Mom or Dad come home, all TV episodes on the DVR will be deleted, as well as the weekly skiing trip. I thought it was a bit harsh, but it's never happened again. This kid respects me because she respects her parents, and that's absolutely essential.Nanny Snoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-50591273245646273342012-04-14T23:50:05.262-04:002012-04-14T23:50:05.262-04:00Whatever your personal feelings are about spanking...Whatever your personal feelings are about spanking, you may want to research the laws in your state. In some states, it is illegal to spank a child besides your own. If they decide to turn against you for some reason, or if the child tells a teacher that her nanny hit her, you may find yourself in some legal trouble. My policy is to always refuse to spank.Znoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-3915294205943165152012-04-14T20:59:37.194-04:002012-04-14T20:59:37.194-04:00April, I found your comment condescending. Were yo...April, I found your comment condescending. Were you trying to imply that all behavior techniques go out the window when you're a parent? I am not naive and I know that the world isn't full of roses and butterflies. Parents, nannies and service providers alike all get tired, fed up, etc and often these ideal techniques are not used. I am only with the kids in caseload a few hours a day so multiply my frustrations times a thousand and that's how a parent feels. I get it. I just don't like the parents that throw all technique by the wayside and then wonder why their kids are terrors! You are a parent, you are tired, got it but many parents don't realize that if you deal with the behavior and nip it in the bud, it will be much easier in the long run. <br /><br />And thank you for your kind words missmannah.StrawberryShortKakeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04616354962777188647noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-5289936530820905342012-04-14T20:37:03.611-04:002012-04-14T20:37:03.611-04:00Mannah I just wanted to send positive thoughts you...Mannah I just wanted to send positive thoughts your way. Being a mother is amazing as I hope you soon discover.Aprilnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-21398033793298989362012-04-14T20:36:01.963-04:002012-04-14T20:36:01.963-04:00You ladies can hate it all you want I once hated i...You ladies can hate it all you want I once hated it as well. I was a nanny, then I was a teacher. I had all the right techniques, and trainings, I also hated it when parents told me just wait until you're a parent.<br /><br />I became a parent and now I understand.<br /><br />When you ladies ( or gentlemen) become parents you will understand all the nuances of discipline in a way you can't understand as a nanny, teacher, or therapist.Aprilnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-42941593756369096382012-04-14T17:57:42.897-04:002012-04-14T17:57:42.897-04:00April, I too hate when parents say that & rese...April, I too hate when parents say that & resent the comment. Sometimes we are around your children the same amount if not more time as you are and we know how stressful raising children can be! But if you want to have well adjusted children (which I think is every parent's goal) you need to be consistent and definitive in child rearing and if you're not, your child could grow up with traits you didn't wish to instill in them. Like I said, we get it, caring for children is stressful.seeareuhnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-68618639695373658352012-04-13T21:54:14.210-04:002012-04-13T21:54:14.210-04:00Strawberry, I completely agree with everything you...Strawberry, I completely agree with everything you said and I think you said it better than I ever could!<br /><br />Wren, I think it is irresponsible for someone to pigeon-hole every single child and caregiver on Earth. Besides that, what do you consider "necessity" for spanking anyway?<br /><br />April, I seriously hate it when parents say things like that. I am trying to have a child of my own and I fully intend to implement all my nanny strategies with him or her. I've been caring for other people's children for 11 years, why would I give my own sub-par care?MissMannahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15111173519948500730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-63001844072084915772012-04-13T16:53:20.373-04:002012-04-13T16:53:20.373-04:00Have a child first and then see where your plans g...Have a child first and then see where your plans go.<br /><br />You can be the best nanny , teacher, behavioral therapist in the world and it is still nothing like being a parent.Aprilnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-46442464123175448032012-04-13T16:04:53.148-04:002012-04-13T16:04:53.148-04:00seeareuh- I think it is great that you found a for...seeareuh- I think it is great that you found a form of punishment that works for your charges. What you wrote about positive and negative punishment, that is definitely accurate and I wish more people would understand how it works. Maybe I shouldn't have said that I never use time outs (I don't even know if I did). I think there is definitely a time and a place for them, it just isn't my go-to for punishment. In the example you used, it makes complete sense and most importantly, it seems to be working. The punishment fits the crime and everyone learns something... what else could you ask for? <br /><br />And don't you hate having to watch parents do that kind of stuff?! No one is perfect and it is definitely easier to see when looking at it happen from the outside but some parents just don't get it. Then they wonder why their kids whine so much...StrawberryShortKakeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04616354962777188647noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-61771608006529520402012-04-13T15:34:25.045-04:002012-04-13T15:34:25.045-04:00Strawberry,
I completely understand what you mea...Strawberry, <br /><br />I completely understand what you mean when you say that time outs are largely ineffective when the intent is to think about what he or she has done, however, I use timeout for a different reason: negative punishment. Punishment can be either positive or negative, in that the child is receiving something he or she does not want (positive) or getting something taken away that he or she does want (negative). I use time outs because the child must sit in the corner (of the living room), quietly, without moving from the corner, while watching his or her siblings play still (I nanny for four children, a 6yr old and 4yr old triplets). Taking away play time is effective. After the time out (usually five minutes, the kids argue "she only got four minutes why do I get six?!" so it's easier to jut split the difference) I ask the child to come over to where I am and I ask them why they were on time out, how they could have avoided time out, and to apologize to whomever they hurt (that's the usual reason for time outs with my kids). I then ask them if I can have a hug (so they know I'm not upset with them) and they continue on playing.<br /><br />And oh my gos my kids' parents are THE WORST with whining and bribing. The other day, the two boys did not finish their milk at dinner (which is required). They whined and complained. What does their mom do? GIVES THEM CHOCOLATE MILK. What even? Who does that? Ridiculous.seeareuhnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-46566398500143136112012-04-13T14:51:35.477-04:002012-04-13T14:51:35.477-04:00Wren, I disagree with you. I will never spank my c...Wren, I disagree with you. I will never spank my child or any one else's children. I will take that to my grave. It is not an acceptable form of discipline in my opinion and won't do it. Disciplining a child when the necessity arises is being responsible but there are more effective methods than corporal punishment. What about a child you are disciplining for hitting you? Are you going to punish them by spanking? Makes no sense!StrawberryShortKakeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04616354962777188647noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-26155299806822254662012-04-13T14:44:58.171-04:002012-04-13T14:44:58.171-04:00Anyone unwilling to spank their child when the nec...Anyone unwilling to spank their child when the necessity arises is irresponsible. However I understand completely not wanting to spank a child that is not yours. I have had similar problems with my charge, who is also 3. It's usually when I am correcting her in some way and she gets a time out. I'll sit her down and face her on her level, but she meets me with a hand in my face. I usually catch her hand, and with a firm grip I tell her to use her words, not her hands, to express her anger. I have gone as far as pointing out that I have never and never will hit her, and I expect the same from her. She very rarely hits anymore, and I think it was just a phase for a while. Kids get testy, feel around for anything they can get away with. Just keep explaining that it's not okay, make sure after the problem is resolved you have a heart to heart with her.Wrennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-72368968120233893742012-04-13T14:04:21.526-04:002012-04-13T14:04:21.526-04:00MissMannah- I have to agree with NVMom in that I d...MissMannah- I have to agree with NVMom in that I don't find time outs very effective. I just don't see how forcing the child to sit in the corner to "think about what they did" is worth the struggle. After all, do we really think they are thinking about what they did? I think most people use it as a chance to allow the child to calm down but they don't have to sit in a corner to do that. If the child hits or is screaming/talking back and you want to give a timeout, in my opinion, you aren't solving the problem by having the child confined to a small space. Instead, like NVMom said, I think that turning the situation into a teachable moment would be better. Again, validate feelings and then encourage them to communicate their feelings in an appropriate manner. "I know you are upset but even when we are upset, we don't hit." For people that believe in time outs... now you are going to have them sit and think about it? This is also where the ignoring comes in. Children have to learn to work their way through their feelings themselves. If the child does well just sitting and calming down, encourage them to do that on their own. If they can be easily redirected to another activity, that's fine too. It really depends on the child and the situation so if you have a specific example I'd be happy to give my opinion.<br /><br />I think it is much more effective to take a preferred toy away from the child, rather than the child away from the preferred toy... if that makes sense. I think that a a lot of caregivers want to make a huge deal of "infractions" and aren't able to move on from them. I'm not saying ignore all bad behavior and let the child get away with bloody murder, but harping on the bad behavior isn't going to stop it for good. Address each infraction one time, deal with it, move on. If you spend too much time worrying about the bad behavior, there won't be enough time to enjoy the good behavior. I think it also sends the child the message that yes, I messed up but not I have a clean slate. If at your job you messed up and your boss kept bringing it up, it would just keep bringing you down. I am definitely not saying that you should let them hit you, talk back, etc. Make it clear that it isn't acceptable and teach them an alternative way to communicate.<br /><br />I really like to break down every infraction (can't think of a better word). At my work, with behavior we do an ABC for each one. A is antecedent, what led up to the behavior. B is the behavior and C is the consequence. You can really learn a lot from this by asking yourself what the child was trying to communicate through their behavior. Most parents give in wayyyy too easily. Example, the child wants a cookie and you say no cookies (antecedent) The child whines and starts to scream for cookies (behavior) and then the consequence for some parents is to give them a cookie! That's just wrong. The child just learned: I want a cookie, mom says no, I whine, she gives me a cookie. In reality, the ending should have been that mom says no cookies and then either redirects the child to a different snack she is offering or ignore the tantrum if not able to redirect. Giving into the whining might help you stop this tantrum but it won't help in the long run. Hope that helps! Let me know if it isn't clear. I have the day off and my mind is kind of out of work mode :)StrawberryShortKakeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04616354962777188647noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-55750479899743166682012-04-13T03:55:44.643-04:002012-04-13T03:55:44.643-04:00I would NOT spank her...that would be opening Pand...I would NOT spank her...that would be opening Pandora's Box and you would not want to do that.<br />I am surprised the parents gave you permission to do so..they must be old school. LOL.Just My Two Cents Just Nowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09478387825992438947noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-11186537505243670312012-04-13T02:32:17.105-04:002012-04-13T02:32:17.105-04:00A little off-track, but Phoenix, I laughed my butt...A little off-track, but Phoenix, I laughed my butt off at your xmas gift story. When I was about 10ish, I decided to seak into the closet, and peek at my xmas gifts. Bad part is...they were already wrapped. I literally untaped them to look, and then wrapped them back up trying to match the tape lines as best I could. My little sister walked in so I ended up involving her.<br />Long story short, we were sitting together one day with my mom, and my little sister accidentally spilled the beans. My mom was so upset she threatened to take all of our presents back. I told her it was all my fault (which it was) and not to take my sisters gifts back, only mine, which is exactly what she did. For xmas that year I got socks and undies, and nothing more. No toys, no candies, not even coal :(<br />Needless to say I have never peeked at another gift of any kind since!Bustednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-26002139532144297272012-04-12T23:20:00.833-04:002012-04-12T23:20:00.833-04:00Miss Mannah, just my viewpoint as a Mom to a child...Miss Mannah, just my viewpoint as a Mom to a child with autism, and one child without, I never found time-outs that useful because they lack the teaching component. When a child is having an all out tantrum sometimes you just have to ignore, but the whole timers/ensuring they comply/apologies routine just seemed like time that could be better spent teaching when things are calm. <br />Many times during a tantrum I also found comforting but NOT giving in, also went a long way towards shortening the tantrum and moving on to something else. A little empathy goes a long way, IMO.NVMom-movedtoTXnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-3700094115613806882012-04-12T23:15:35.282-04:002012-04-12T23:15:35.282-04:00Agree with Strawberry and I'd also add that if...Agree with Strawberry and I'd also add that if these behaviors have started recently there is probably a trigger or triggers that you are not aware of. As they say in behavior therapy (I have a dd with autism), all behavior is communication. It's not necessarily good communication but it is nonetheless. You've got to observe and find out what the triggers are - difficulty with transitions, food issues, language skills are all examples of areas that can be triggers for 'bad' behavior. <br /><br />Try not to get caught up in a behavior-punishment dynamic with this child. Sometimes I think adults are so afraid of an out of control child they forget the 'heavy lifting' part of dealing with kids is to teach them what we want rather than just punishing them for what we don't want. Put the focus on what you can do to shape her behavior into positive directions. Use lots of teaching and modeling and see what you can avert. Of course there will be times when frustrations come out. Teach her 'safe' ways to let off steam.NVMom-movedtoTXnoreply@blogger.com