tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post3558471052845360037..comments2024-03-19T03:27:24.068-04:00Comments on I SAW YOUR NANNY: Advice for a mad nanny?Leigh Raymerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18210572527823459842noreply@blogger.comBlogger75125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-74681395172932087382008-05-08T23:39:00.000-04:002008-05-08T23:39:00.000-04:00Euphemisms (correction)Euphemisms (correction)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-10323021779594113132008-05-08T23:38:00.000-04:002008-05-08T23:38:00.000-04:00Re: "spanking" versus "hitting".Let me make this p...Re: "spanking" versus "hitting".<BR/>Let me make this point---I was "spanked" as a child and I remember it felt exactly like "hitting". It was painful, demoralizing, frightening and taught me nothing but fear and mistrust of my father.<BR/>My mother also "slapped" (hit!) me a lot in the face. This humiliated me and made me feel disrespected and unsafe.<BR/>I hate the terms "spank", "swat", "tap", "slap" because they're euphemims for abuse.<BR/>If you are hitting your child, admit you're HITTING them and deal with the consequences. Deal with your conscience when you see fear and pain in your child's eyes instead of trust and love and loyalty.<BR/>You adults who hit your babies and children should be ashamed of yourselves. It's your responsibility to be skilled and loving enough to discipline them without resorting to physical abuse.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-87865087439523089022008-05-08T23:15:00.000-04:002008-05-08T23:15:00.000-04:00To the OP:Do you realize that continuing to work f...To the OP:<BR/><BR/>Do you realize that continuing to work for people who spank their child could put YOU in danger of being questioned or detained by law enforcement in the future?<BR/>If you stay until the child is school-age and he says ANYTHING to any teacher or school admin about being hit by his parents (yes, "spanking" IS the same as hitting!), CPS may be called.<BR/>They may question YOU when they question the parents. They may want to know how long the hitting has been going on and why you did nothing to stop or report it.<BR/>Are you prepared for this?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-24692034559517470042008-05-08T15:40:00.000-04:002008-05-08T15:40:00.000-04:00sorry about the double post. - N. Leasorry about the double post.<BR/> - N. LeaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-85777381205976399532008-05-08T15:39:00.001-04:002008-05-08T15:39:00.001-04:00Thanks, Chick. Good advice, like many other's sugg...Thanks, Chick. Good advice, like many other's suggestions on this thread. I'm a nanny of seven years and have worked for SAHPs WAHPs and in homes where both parents are gone ten hours a day. All of these situations can be difficult and require something different from whatever type on child-care they seek. <BR/><BR/>I think that the important thing with this situation is that it is not the one you were hired into. I don't know what kind of arrangment was communicated with you (OP) when mom decided to SAH but if there was little or none then there must be some now. They need to think through what they expect from you as their nanny and convey that to you in a professional manner. And should it be that what they expect is something more suitable for a sitter they need to be told that in an equally professional manner.<BR/><BR/>But any type of professionality that may happen between you and these parents is going to require a focused meeting so you may need to ask them to set aside an evening after the kids have gone to bed or have a trusted friend come over for an hour or so. Perhaps naptime is a good opportunity. But treat it like a business meeting, where you (all three) can focus on the children's needs. <BR/><BR/>In preparation tell them you have noticed that the recent changes require a review of your position in their home and ask them to prepare a list or statement of what is expected of you. And come prepared yourself with suggestions, but let them lead the conversation as much as possible.<BR/><BR/>Ultimately we are mere helpers to parents have no power with their children except that which they give us whatever level that is and you need to know how to best help these parents. And perhaps the best help in the long-run is to leave this family. I know that can be heartbreaking for a "true care-giver" because giving care requires that you give a piece of yourself every day. But it could be that those pieces you've already parted with will be the most useful to these parents and children. <BR/><BR/>Our job is a difficult one because every home situation is different and changes as children grow and family dynamics are altered and We have to be ready to deal with those changes too on top of those going on in our own lives. But there must be communication for any family to function. You (OP) are very much a part of this family so step out and communicate in a respectful and focused manner.<BR/><BR/> - N. LeaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-17831099475305371232008-05-08T15:39:00.000-04:002008-05-08T15:39:00.000-04:00Thanks, Chick. Good advice, like many other's sugg...Thanks, Chick. Good advice, like many other's suggestions on this thread. I'm a nanny of seven years and have worked for SAHPs WAHPs and in homes where both parents are gone ten hours a day. All of these situations can be difficult and require something different from whatever type on child-care they seek. <BR/><BR/>I think that the important thing with this situation is that it is not the one you were hired into. I don't know what kind of arrangment was communicated with you (OP) when mom decided to SAH but if there was little or none then there must be some now. They need to think through what they expect from you as their nanny and convey that to you in a professional manner. And should it be that what they expect is something more suitable for a sitter they need to be told that in an equally professional manner.<BR/><BR/>But any type of professionality that may happen between you and these parents is going to require a focused meeting so you may need to ask them to set aside an evening after the kids have gone to bed or have a trusted friend come over for an hour or so. Perhaps naptime is a good opportunity. But treat it like a business meeting, where you (all three) can focus on the children's needs. <BR/><BR/>In preparation tell them you have noticed that the recent changes require a review of your position in their home and ask them to prepare a list or statement of what is expected of you. And come prepared yourself with suggestions, but let them lead the conversation as much as possible.<BR/><BR/>Ultimately we are mere helpers to parents have no power with their children except that which they give us whatever level that is and you need to know how to best help these parents. And perhaps the best help in the long-run is to leave this family. I know that can be heartbreaking for a "true care-giver" because giving care requires that you give a piece of yourself every day. But it could be that those pieces you've already parted with will be the most useful to these parents and children. <BR/><BR/>Our job is a difficult one because every home situation is different and changes as children grow and family dynamics are altered and We have to be ready to deal with those changes too on top of those going on in our own lives. But there must be communication for any family to function. You (OP) are very much a part of this family so step out and communicate in a respectful and focused manner.<BR/><BR/> - N. LeaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-89790294051264390702008-05-07T16:11:00.000-04:002008-05-07T16:11:00.000-04:00Well, here's some actual advice for you! I work fo...Well, here's some actual advice for you! I work for two WAH parents, and our situation is 180 degrees opposite of yours, so you have my sympathy!<BR/><BR/>I don't know what your communication style is, but you might think about whther it's possible that you are (inadvertantly) antagonizing the parents when you try to discuss things with them. If you think that might be an issue, try to reframe and rephrase, think before you speak, etc.<BR/><BR/>If the parents seem to have a hard time taking you seriously, would they be willing to read books and articles discussing the sort of discilpine issues you are all experiencing? Sometimes a "professional" opinion helps make the point for you.<BR/><BR/>The mom honestly sounds jealous of you. She is deliberately undermining you, and being very passive aggressive. Can you speak with her and find out what she sees as your role in the family dynamic? If she sees you as more of a sitter than a nanny, it may be time to leave. <BR/><BR/>If she says she sees you as a nanny, an equal partner, etc., try to schedule a time to sit down with the parents and go over how they prefer to handle various issues. Discuss how things have changed **from your perspective** since their work situation changed. Explain to them that you love little X, but that you have a hard time managing his days to go as smoothly as possible when your rules get tossed aside. From there, try to work out a way for them to be comfortable giving you the final say-so when you are on the clock.<BR/><BR/>Honestly, the situation sounds very difficult, and I don't think that you will beable to repair the issues you are facing. It might be best to look for another position, where you will be respected as a professional. There are terrific familes out there!chickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08036917167478045508noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-30378488411149158652008-05-07T11:32:00.000-04:002008-05-07T11:32:00.000-04:00I am a nanny as well, and I must say that you need...I am a nanny as well, and I must say that you need to do what YOU believe in. If you don't want to 'spank' the child and would rather use time outs, then that's what you need to do, and if the parents don't agree and want to take the upper hand in punishment, then what are you there for? They need to let you do your job. You are there to supervise them completely. When the parents are home, they should act as if they are not there unless you yourself ask them for advice. If they want to spank him, they should actually do it on their own time because this tug of war between you and them is only confusing the child. When you are on your shift, YOU ARE IN CHARGE. If they can't work with you, then you should ask to have a 'meeting' with both parents and try to come up with a plan of action. It's important you are honest and voice your opinion.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-33913677839203410022008-05-07T11:27:00.000-04:002008-05-07T11:27:00.000-04:00Mom of twins. I have been busy so haven't read the...Mom of twins. I have been busy so haven't read the whole thread, or even your earlier posts. <BR/>But I have a word of caution for you. Do not let your lack of finances in any way hinder your enjoyment of your small children. <BR/><BR/>Money can come later, but your kids will continue to grow whether you have money or not. There is no reason money and enjoyment of your kids needs to coincide (unless you are having trouble actually feeding them or taking them to the doctor...in which case I understand your stress.)<BR/><BR/>We also had little money when my kids were small. I was not tempted to work to have extra material items because I wanted more than anythting just to be their mom. And guess what, it takes no money to entertain a small child. They just like to be played with or read to or to go play with other kids at the park. Storytime is free at the library, and your city probably has a lot more free activities for kids than you realize. Heck, we even went to play video games a few times and didn't put any money in the machines. Very little kids have NO idea that they are not really playing. They like to feed ducks...and in the summer I have never had a kid get tired of the pool, even after going for several hours almost every day. Play Doh, bubble baths with a fleet of ships and army men or barbies, etc. There are a million special things to do for free. We had a ball and hardly spent any money. <BR/><BR/>Now we have more than enough money, but I can say in all truthfulness it doesn't make us any more happy. I admit it did feel great to go to the orthodontist and write out a check for braces for my son, in full, in advance...but if I had been on the payment plan (as I was with the first son)...no big deal. Money makes it easier, but it doesn't make your kids any more of a joy. I promise. Now my kids are mostly grown (oldest in college, youngest about to start high school)...but if I had the chance to go back and do it all over again...being financially strapped and all...I would JUMP at the chance...because nothing, ESPECIALLY MONEY, can ever replace the joy that comes from watching your children grow. <BR/><BR/>Don't be sad or waste time on regrets. ENJOY!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-74620745849193989772008-05-07T09:38:00.000-04:002008-05-07T09:38:00.000-04:00mom of twins,there is no better advice than the ca...mom of twins,<BR/>there is no better advice than the cautionary advice of former nannies. why didn't you say so?<BR/><BR/>May I ask, are your twins natural?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-79997009858238483782008-05-07T09:02:00.000-04:002008-05-07T09:02:00.000-04:00I will be honest. Yes, I am married. But we are ...I will be honest. Yes, I am married. But we are not well off by any means. Maybe, thats why I put the $ sign in. I love my husband don't get me wrong. Its just a struggle everyday to get by. <BR/>I really meant to just find someone thats financially stable. Theres nothing worse than having kids and not having a little money in the bank. <BR/><BR/>And of course its my fault too. I never went to college. I never took working seriously like I should have. Maybe, I wouldn't be struggling if I had taken school seriously. And had a career.<BR/><BR/>And I was a nanny in the past. I got very close to a family. In the end once they didn't need me, it was the end. Never kept in touch as they said they would. They considered me their "family" but not after my job ended. I went above my nanny duties, to make their life easier. I guess they figured oh shes young. We will act like she really means something to us. That way she will work harder, and we can take advantage of her.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-83510613895520638122008-05-07T01:36:00.000-04:002008-05-07T01:36:00.000-04:00Count your blessings,you really hit home with your...Count your blessings,<BR/>you really hit home with your post. after a long and unhappy marriage i had finally found a wonderful man who i would have married had he not suddenly died. it's a very lonely life now and i;ve come to believe that he was probably my final chance to find happiness with someone. i suppose we've all suffered losses but i am glad that you spoke out about your feelings.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-77246842655380866132008-05-07T01:03:00.000-04:002008-05-07T01:03:00.000-04:0012:50I'm so sorry for the loss of your child. I t...12:50<BR/><BR/>I'm so sorry for the loss of your child. I think that sort of pain is the very worst anyone can have.<BR/>And thank you for your compassion and clear perspective.<BR/>Take care.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-55634039867737046582008-05-07T00:50:00.000-04:002008-05-07T00:50:00.000-04:00Count your blessingsThank you for your post.Althou...Count your blessings<BR/>Thank you for your post.<BR/><BR/>Although I can't say I understand your pain, I lost a child - so I do sympathize. And Mom to twins comment kind of got to me, too. Like everybody should expect that kind of good fortune, when it just isn't true.<BR/><BR/>You sound like you've been through so much. Bless you for being there for your charges. <BR/>I'm sure you are very special to them and are making a difference in their life.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-85424057683110656572008-05-07T00:42:00.000-04:002008-05-07T00:42:00.000-04:00"Mom to Twins",I'm sure you meant well, but some o..."Mom to Twins",<BR/><BR/>I'm sure you meant well, but some of your comments were really offensive.<BR/>You see, not all of us are blessed with a wonderful husband and beautiful twins.<BR/>I was engaged to be married a year after I graduated from college. That dream was destroyed when a drunk driver plowed into my fiance's car and killed him. <BR/>But I tried to move on and through much hard work was accepted to law school.<BR/>My feelings of loss and severe depression made my law studies difficult and I struggled with my grades. <BR/> My parents disowned me financially when my grades floundered and another dream died (though I hope to return to law school and finish one day on my own).<BR/>I've tried to find new love, but my broken heart always gets in the way.<BR/>So I became a nanny and now give my love and loyalty to my brilliant little charges. At least I feel I'm contributing something to the world.<BR/> I hope to have the blessings you have someday, but I'm not holding my breath.<BR/>So when you admonish nannies to find a "nice guy" and have their "own kids", it cuts me to the core. <BR/>I'd love nothing better, but for some of us...it's just not in the cards.<BR/>Be grateful for your blessings, "Mom to Twins", and try not to criticize those who are less-fortunate.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-4924269517331820762008-05-07T00:25:00.000-04:002008-05-07T00:25:00.000-04:00Mom to TwinsI think you may have just ruffled a fe...Mom to Twins<BR/>I think you may have just ruffled a few feathers by your comment earlier. I know you don't think there was anything wrong with it, but honestly, it was a tad bit condescending:<BR/><BR/>"Heres a suggestion instead of getting attached to other peoples kids. Find a nice guy and have your own kids. Hopefully, someone with some $$$$$."<BR/><BR/>Although I'm sure you meant no harm, people have a tendency to get riled by comments like that, and referring to nannies as "the help", and "another case of a nanny getting too attached", which implies coldness to children.<BR/><BR/>Anyway, I'll just assume your new around here and don't quite know the ropes yet, and what may be a "trigger" for some.<BR/><BR/>On that note, I'd like to say Welcome Aboard, and best of luck to you from here on out.<BR/><BR/>Try not to get too miffed, it's almost kind of like an initiation around here now! lol<BR/>:)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-19224406070811461642008-05-07T00:11:00.000-04:002008-05-07T00:11:00.000-04:00i quite agree. drama drama. so sillyi quite agree. drama drama. so sillyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-86661771211022682652008-05-06T23:58:00.000-04:002008-05-06T23:58:00.000-04:007:39I am sure I am not the only mom that visits th...7:39<BR/><BR/>I am sure I am not the only mom that visits this site that doesn't hire help.<BR/>Where does it say its only allowed for nannies or families that employ nannies?<BR/><BR/>And my comments weren't meant to cause so much anger. I thought the O.P. sound nice. So I just wrote a reply of what I was thinking.<BR/><BR/>No offense. But I see alot of people like the drama. So if you want to continue it fine.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-29440618293243058592008-05-06T23:26:00.000-04:002008-05-06T23:26:00.000-04:00Wow 'anyasnew' - you rock!What an awesome post!No ...Wow 'anyasnew' - you rock!<BR/>What an awesome post!<BR/><BR/>No offense meant towards 'mom to twins' - but what a stark comparison. <BR/><BR/>I'm with you. If I thought I ever did anything to hurt a child's feelings, I don't think I would be able to stand it.<BR/><BR/>I get teary-eyed whenever I see a young kid cry, whether I know the reason or not. And I don't care about looking out for my own feelings, they come first!<BR/><BR/>Good for you!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-72378178815782469962008-05-06T23:11:00.000-04:002008-05-06T23:11:00.000-04:00I guess I live in some sort of odd parallel univer...I guess I live in some sort of odd parallel universe, because I've never once used the words "caring too much" negatively, especially regarding children. Some of the best mentors, teachers, and childcare workers are the ones who selflessly give of themselves, and form attachments. I think it'll be a sad day when the teachers, nannies, and mentors of this word distance themselves from the children they work with, as a Dr. distances them self from their patients. How unhealthy that would be for our youth, to look up to a person as a guiding light and a role model and in turn be what? A chore? A paycheck? I think most adults can look back on at least one non-familial adult from their childhood and fondly remember them, and I also think we'd all like to at least hope they fondly remember us as well. What a pitty it would be, if they had instead decided it was too much hassle to care for us, too much trouble, because one day we'd grow older and they'd be forced to move on. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'll take a 'broken heart' any day, over breaking a child's.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-22167408860505317462008-05-06T19:39:00.000-04:002008-05-06T19:39:00.000-04:00mom to twins-you can voice whatever opinion you wi...mom to twins-<BR/><BR/>you can voice whatever opinion you wish. <BR/><BR/>but we are not here to cat fight. we are here to respectful dialog with one another. to suggest "finding a nice guy and have your own kids" is not kind or useful. <BR/><BR/>most of the complaints on this site are about nannies who don't give children the time of day. to give this nanny a hard time for caring TOO much just seems silly.<BR/><BR/><BR/>and i stand by that opinion<BR/><BR/>just wondering if you don't have a nanny why do you visit this blog? are you a nanny yourself? not trying to be offensive. just wondering,Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-88978471965594123312008-05-06T19:01:00.000-04:002008-05-06T19:01:00.000-04:00what did you do, sam, forget to take your medicati...what did you do, sam, forget to take your medication today?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-58918788236415034722008-05-06T18:51:00.000-04:002008-05-06T18:51:00.000-04:00meow!meow!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-29469630280899431822008-05-06T17:55:00.000-04:002008-05-06T17:55:00.000-04:00oh, so you live in fear of nannies. knowing a nann...oh, so you live in fear of nannies. knowing a nanny could conceivably come in to your life and love your child and take just as good as care, if not better than you- of your precious twins.<BR/><BR/>don't be a hater.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32916951.post-22295774064002562762008-05-06T17:48:00.000-04:002008-05-06T17:48:00.000-04:00Why would you say that? I don't even have a nanny...Why would you say that? I don't even have a nanny. If I need help I ask my mom to come over.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com